I’ve found it interesting that the vast majority of the questions I receive from readers have to do with jealousy issues.  We don’t trust a new man because of the mistakes made by an old one.  We are uncomfortable when our boyfriends go out without us or talk to other girls.  We snoop through emails, read texts, and spy on Facebook accounts.  It seems to me that many of us are consumed with jealousy.  And it will cause us to do some seriously crazy things.

At the end of the day, jealousy results from insecurity and fear; neither of which are very pretty emotions.  And they never draw anyone closer to us.  In fact, they very often have the opposite effect.  There’s no quicker way to push your man into the arms of another woman than to let your jealousy overtake the relationship.  It almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, doesn’t it?  So if you are battling envy, suspicion, and distrust, it might be helpful to take a look at the following types of green-eyed monsters.  If you see yourself anywhere below, it’s probably time to slay the dragon. 

The Temporary Insanity Monster.  I’ve often said that the fastest way to have trust issues with a guy is to be with a guy you don’t trust.  Men who aren’t honorable can make even sane and balanced women act like complete wackos.  Perhaps your guy has given you actual (as opposed to imagined) reasons to believe he’s not a man of integrity.  And, as a result, it’s making you feel psycho.  This is absolutely no way to live.  If you find yourself constantly questioning and doubting if he’s being truthful and faithful, because you KNOW he’s not being truthful and faithful, it’s time to move on to a more worthy candidate.  You can’t turn a cheater into a loyal man by trying to control his behavior.  All it will do is drive you crazy.

The Female-Hating Monster.  Here’s a funny story:  About ten years ago I ran into a male friend from college at a bar.  He wasn’t alone.  Nope.  Both his wife and her best friend were with him.  He and I struck up a conversation - super inappropriate stuff like “Hi,”  “How are you?” and “What’s been going on?” - and immediately I began receiving death stares from both his wife and her friend.  Listen up, ladies.  This is UGLY behavior and it makes you look unattractive to both guys and girls.  If you’ve got a problem with your boy’s behavior – talk to HIM about it.  Don’t blame another woman for no reason.  It’s no secret that we women are often very jealous of and competitive with each other.  Not only is this a huge turn off to men, but they can smell your insecurity a mile away.  So instead of giving every girl who comes your guy’s way the evil eye, why not try talking to her and engaging her in conversation?  It will make you seem cool and confident.  Which is never a bad thing.   

The Private Investigator Monster.  It’s amazing what natural detectives we women are.  We can hack an email account, scroll through a cell phone’s contacts, and do a midnight drive-by all while texting our girls that we are sure he’s a good-for-nothing-cheating bastard.  It’s quite a talent!  I’ve known women who are so adept at this, I’ve encouraged them to become PIs and use their talents for good and not for evil.  But it’s an awful lot of work, don’t you agree?  Here’s the thing with snooping – very often we find what we’re looking for.  And even if we don’t, we’ll interpret every text to another female as evidence he’s been a bad boy.  It goes back to the basics.  If you find yourself wanting to engage in such behavior, you really should ask if he’s the guy for you.  And if it’s merely your own paranoia and insecurity that’s causing you to think you’re Inspector Gadget, it might be time to reassess your thoughts and behaviors.  Guys want to be with a woman who has her act together, not with a girl who acts like she’s a spy.          

The Control Freak Monster.  How often do women try to take charge of a man’s behavior?  This usually stems from us feeling powerless and we’ll allow our jealousy to compel us to try to exert control over a situation.  We’ll pitch a fit if he goes to a bar without us, we’ll accuse him of flirting even if he’s just having a friendly conversation, and we’ll insist that he check in when he gets home.  Very few guys find this behavior attractive.  We may think it shows how much we love and care; he will think it shows how insecure and needy we are.  Men do best in relationships where they can still feel free and they suffer in those where they are held accountable for every action.  The more you try to control a man’s behavior in order to prevent him from doing something “wrong,” the more you will find him rebelling.           

The All Men Are Scum Monster.  One of the most common problems with women is that once we’ve been burned, it’s pretty hard to trust the next guy who comes along.  It is so very easy to fall into this trap.  Here’s what I say:  Don’t do it, sister.  I’d venture that the vast majority of us have been cheated on at one point or another.  It’s just a part of life.  It doesn’t mean that all men cheat or that every guy is a player.  It takes some faith - but it’s worth the effort - to believe that there are indeed good guys out there.  And it’s a pretty hideous thing to distrust a good one because you’ve experienced a bad one (or two, or ten, or – you get the picture).  First off, it’s not fair to him.  And secondly, it’s not fair to you.  You’ll end up sabotaging your relationships and making decent men run for the hills.  If you’ve got a quality guy, appreciate him.  Let him do his thing and give him room to breathe.  Until he gives you a reason not to trust him, trust him.  And let him know you do.  It’s a rare quality in women and one which will blow him away.      

You’re probably familiar with my “goddess” approach to dating and love.  It’s my opinion that a goddess would never allow jealousy to consume her or her relationships.  Why?  There is simply no place in her life for it.  She doesn’t try to control her man with it, she doesn’t let other women make her feel insecure, and she is much too self-assured to waste her time with guys who would cause her to doubt their integrity.  Her confidence and security comes from within and she doesn’t base her worth on other people’s opinions and actions.  She’s able to trust others because she trusts herself and her own judgment.  Now wouldn’t that be a much better way to love and live?