ArticleHe's Just Not That Into You!
Cut your losses and don't waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!" But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.
He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.
Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. Men like not knowing if they can catch you. They feel rewarded when they do.
Don't let the "honeys" and the "babys" fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than "I'm just not that into you." Remember, actions speak louder than, "There's no cell reception where I am right now."
Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside.
He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you.
Beware of the word "friend". It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.
I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.
You can't blame a guy for having feelings. You love someone, you break up, you still have feelinga. Thank God for that really. But having feelings don't mean you have to have sex.
Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has "issues" with marriage, will ... rest assured ... someday be married. It just will never be with you.
Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us. I understand. What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone? It's validating. It's exciting. It's irresistible. But resist you must.
My friends all say I should stop talking to him, but I think he misses me, and I like that. I miss him. I feel if I stay in touch with him, it will remind him of how great I am, and eventually he will realize that we should be together again.
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person... If he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.
Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.
I was seeing a guy for about a month. He broke up with me, saying that he didn't feel like it could be something serious. I understood and took it well. He wanted to know if we could still hang out as friends. I said sure. Now we get together and go out and then come back to his place and have sex, just like we did before. (But now, we're "broken up.") He's really, really cute and I love having sex with him. I also think he must like me if he can't stop being around me. And I think it's kinda cool -- all pressure's off and we're having a great time together. I've decided that I think it's fine and I'm not going to call his attention for the fact that we're actually dating. Except for the fact that we broke up.
This guy is brilliant. He goes out with you, dates you, breaks up with you, then continues to sleep with you, which basically absolves him of all responsibility toward your feelings. After all, you're not going out anymore. It's genius! It's diabolical! He should be writing a book! In fact, I bet this guy could get his own little cult going if he wanted to. And let me guess, you'd be happy to sign up for that as well. For the record, this guy doesn't "like you so much that he can't stop being around you." Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: they don't break up with you. This guy is seriously not into you, it's crazy. The only way you're going to figure out how into you he is... is how fast you get rid of him.
It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.
Hey girl. Put down the penis, put your clothes back on, and go directly to your best friend's house. Do not find an excuse to stay. Do not think that because of all the crazy hotness of it all, it now means that you're meant to be together. Yes, break up sex does seem like a good idea, because hey, it's nice to have sex with someone you have these dramatic feelings about. It makes it all, well, dramatic. But now you know. It confuses everything and makes you separate sex and emotions. So now you don't ever have to make that mistake again. Got it? He's into the very-bad-idea-that-masquerades-as-a-good-idea, breakup sex. Over and out.
Don't underestimate the power of sex, even with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Especially with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Breaking up means not seeing them again, which also implies not seeing them naked again. It might be tempting to forget this pearl of wisdom, but just remember, it's still called breakup sex. No one has yet to rename it oh-my-god-the-sex-was-so-good-we-got-back-together-again-and-lived-happily-ever-after sex.
He's sniffing for something better, and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes "home." It's not that he's so into you. It's that he's so not into being alone. Don't give him the chance to break up with you for the fourth time. (Even the idea of it sounds beneath you, doesn't it?) Reset your breakup maximum to one and move on.
Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.
Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with all dignity. Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal.
Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on.
Breakup sex still means you're broken up.
Cut him off. Let him miss you.
He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.
There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. The part is realizing that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing.
Don't give him the chance to reject you again.
No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.
Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.
Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.
You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.
Have you ever had your heart broken by a guy who just wasn't that into you? How did you get over it?
**excerpt from the book He's Just Not That Into You written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo**
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I don't just like this, I LOVE it! BUT what if you're just not that into him either and the sex is great? Is it okay to just have the physical aspects of the relationship until you find someone you really want to be with emotionally? Let's face it, keeping your hands to yourself is a good idea in this situation, but it's WAY more fun with someone else!
What if the reason he broke up with you is you? I was a pretty shitty girlfriend. Had a lot of immature emotional issues that I threw on him, as he was my only support. After months of separation, and a lot of changing/growing on my part, we've started talking again. Although I Completely understand his feelings and that he felt we needed to break up for anything to change, I'm still hurt that he left me. He says that he still loves and thinks about me all the time, but just wants to work on being friends right now while we both work on our individual issues. Am I disillusioning myself into thinking we will ever work again? Or do I have a really awesome guy that is willing to put aside his momentary feelings to think long term? Do you think that people can ever truly get over past hurts or will there always be bitterness? I have since tried to be with other guys and I cannot ever stop thinking about him...aagghhhh
if he really loves you then he will change what needs to be changed and come back to you. you can get over bitterness, but its a choice to get over it or not. it sounds like he really does love you and just wants to take things slow to make sure that you've both changed and that its a good relationship.
Makes complete sense to me!!.. I went after the same guy for about 4 years.. we would "hang out" but he didnt want a serious relationship since he was in the military.. translated he didn't want on with me, because there were plenty of other relationships.. Everytime I'd have a new guy BAM there he was again! He always tried to get into my heart as "just a friend" but then would pull out the "i love you" to get what he wanted! The way I got over it was when he tried to pull the I miss you best friend card again and blame the suckiness of our "relationship" on me, I finally just took charge and actually stood up for myself and told him how I felt! Now I'm the one who cut him out of my life! =)
Makes complete sense to me!!.. I went after the same guy for about 4 years.. we would "hang out" but he didnt want a serious relationship since he was in the military.. translated he didn't want on with me, because there were plenty of other relationships.. Everytime I'd have a new guy BAM there he was again! He always tried to get into my heart as "just a friend" but then would pull out the "i love you" to get what he wanted! The way I got over it was when he tried to pull the I miss you best friend card again and blame the suckiness of our "relationship" on me, I finally just took charge and actually stood up for myself and told him how I felt! Now I'm the one who cut him out of my life! =)
This article is disorienting because it's out of context. I expected a, "How Can You Tell?" type of article.
It's a good one, but out context it's disorienting. I'm being told, straight up, that my man's not into me by a "faceless" stranger who doesn't know my relationship. =D
This is a good one, but def. seems like a rant. But, alas, it is very hard to get sucked into that trap. Yeah, when they "break up" with you and pull the whole friends w/ benes kinda thing - that's really cold - unless you are on board with the same concept. By on board I mean that you wouldn't even think about settling down with the dude in a hot minute - you just want to bang him - until something better comes along.
However, I complete agree that guys will continue to try to pull this behavior off if women let them get away with it. We can be so desperate to hang on to a guy. One site girls - match.com. It's a supermarket up in that piece. Get yourself a guy who is into you.
Glad you posted that! You're right...you can totally be friends with benefits as long as you can really say "I'd NEVER have a real relationship with him!" Sex can be just that sometimes!
i agree with you on all your points, especially match.com comment. it's terrible and men on that site are only looking for one thing. not a site to be taken seriously. complete meat market.
EXCELLENT ARTICLE!! ..In fact...I'm going thru that whole situation right now!! ..funny thing is.. I just came to the realization yesterday that "he's just not that into me" as you highlighted several of his "games" in the article!! ha ha! We've all heard the "I love you but..." line!! Bsht! Now I'm saving myself for someone that actually wants me - ALL of me!! I deserve better!! ..I am man's convenience!
Amazing .. thanks!
Aaa I accidentally hit reply to the previous post...but it won't let me copy and paste it into a new comment for some reason. So my new post is right under the top one...please read and help!!!
why are most of these posts assuming you had sex with them? some people are actually waiting for marriage before they have sex...
i reallyyy liked this line "Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you. "
thanks! this article really helped me realize i need to get over him nd not allow him back into my life. he should miss me
I hope people will take this article seriously... If you have ever experienced any of the scenarios that were mentioned in this excerpt and successfully are getting over said scenarios, then this is absolutely perfect to read. I was in a situation once where I was the desperate-for-a-relationship girl and the guy basically just wanted sex...In the end, I learned that self-worth and happiness doesn't come from being with someone. It comes from inside you and no crappy boyfriend is going to be able to increase your satisfaction in life.
And maybe this is just my personal opinion but I think that no matter what if you're just having sex with someone feelings are going to get involved. Its an emotional act and no one has the steel iron will to be able to escape basic human connections like that unless you're lying to yourself.
I recommend the entire book footnoted at the end of the article. Especially for those who said the article was taken out of context. The book was written by two Sex and The City writers and was actually inspired by an episode of that show. I have found the book to be unbelievably helpful, have read it several times, and still refer to it often. I would also recommend the book one of the authors,Greg Behrendt, wrote with his wife called "It's called a breakup because it's broken".
amen and amen, having flings with your ex is jus patting his ego , and i really agree with the author abt letting go, get over him coz its jus carryin around unnecessary baggage and if he wasnt into to u before what makes break up sex different? he's jus usin you
I love this article. It as helped to put perspective to my thoughts. I was in a long distance relationship and I thought that while it ended with "I still want to be your friend" I still was going thought the process of defending his faults and still believed that he had alot of potential to be a good BF. This article has helped to silence the irrational side of my thinking and is allowing me to move on and find someone who is worth going out with.
My Ah-ha moment as arrive...love it..love it...love it
Is it possible to become just strictly friends with this guy? No sex, no hooking up. Strictly friends?
Yeah. It happened to me. :3
yes that IS possible, I have this with my ex. Our relationship was very stormy and alot of the scenarios posted above were played. I knew when the time was right to break it completely with him and the first year after wasnt pretty as he obviously wasnt ready to let go. We managed to get past that first year and are now brilliant friends... he comes to me with problems and vise versa. Although i must say my hand was slightly forced because we have a child together and i didnt want him to see mummy and daddy arguing
Yes, it is, but give it time. Stay away from each other for a while, go out as friends, but try to keep the sarcastic comments to yourself, seem like you don't care. Smile at him and say hows it going? Then if it gets too much... walk away and chat to someone else or do something else. That's what I did with my ex, who I wanted to remain friends with, until I'd dealt with the feelings, and could act normal again.
love it. absolutely sharing this with all my girls
this should be in the girls bible.
AWESOME awesome book!!! Read it ASAP!! Its sometimes a hard truth to take in. Im having the "lets just be friends" problem right now. I keep telling him that I know he doesnt love me and he keeps lying to me. Aholes.
i have been wanting to reading this book for the last couple of months so bad. i went through this with my ex for two yrs. he kept doing this to me all the time and even though i consider my self to know better i still fell for his lies. i would think i'm just going with my heart and he would just break it. there was excuse after excuse when he would randomly dump me and i took him back after his phone calls. i went through the most horrid things with him....he wasn't physically abusive or even verbally ....just plain mean. mental games. i recently just broke it off....it hurts and i cry, i eat sweets, i feel lonely, but i keep telling myself it will pass that it won't last forever. i still can't believe i was able to fall into that situation. i just felt bad for letting him play me for a fool and for the longest refused to admit that was happening. now i guess its something that some girls just go through and i love the advice this article has.<3
I have to say that this is the best article I have ever read. LOVE IT!!!!!! The question I have for everyone is why do we allow ourselves to be treated like this in the first place???????
I remember almost falling into the "sex trap" with an ex BF I was living with. he wanted to break up, and yet, he wanted to continue the sex. AS IF! Told him I was the total package, and he had no rights and would be trespassing. I am glad I kept my distance, and cut him off, it was the best thing I could have ever done, because I was crazy in love with him, and he really dashed my heart in a million pieces.
I pay sympathy to you. This post made me think of one Britney's song "Whoops, I did it again!" You just being badly played with/without his/her notice. You lost your heart, your soul. Look yourself into mirror see if you can still find back yourslef? The words, the drama are powerful, I know, it made you lost yourself. Now only you can save yourself. Find your inner strength.
I not only LOVED the book, and also the one 'face it, your just not that into him either', but the movie just put it right out there. SO many girls and women fawn all over guys who could care less about them or a relationship. We pass the good guys up for the guys that provide us with a 'challange', but 9 times out of 10, we dont end up getting what we want. Like it says in the movie, 'you are not the exception to the rule, you are the rule' brutally honest and so true! why waste your time pining over a guy who doesnt call, or only calls when he wants sex, or doesnt take you out, or wont hold your hand, etc. We're smarter than that, we just need to remember to think with our heads and not our hearts, because hearts are easily fooled by simple words and phrases and 'that look'. its time to think logically about these things and know when to cut our losses and move on to the next.
Wow! This put it all into perspective for me!
Wow! This put it all into perspective for me!
I went through this with my ex, we were young and obviously I fell for his crap because I was so desperate for him to wanna be with me "forever." We dated for a couple months, everything was fine. Then he started acting distant; kept breaking up with me, with the excuse of he didn't know how he felt. He did this as often as every 2 weeks for months and months, I would get really sad, sometimes even depressed and really clingy, sometimes I'd go to his house and hang around him even if he didn't acknowledge me, I would sit there with his friends as he ignored me. This sounds extremely pathetic, and I realize now that it was really dumb of me and a waste of time and heartache, and I've learned a lot from those times, and the things I used to do with my ex, I know better, and I haven't done them since then. I didn't know how I could've been so stupid. He also used to call me at random times, even as late as 2am, and ask me to come over.. he wouldn't specify why, but of course I went, hoping he'd want to sit down and talk about us (silly me)...only to find him watching porn and looking for a quick way to get off, this left me feeling used and even more heartbroken and alone. & then before I could even say anything, he'd rush me out the door. It went on like this for a while, pushing me more and more into emotional disaster, just hoping one of the times he'd tell me he wants to be with me. We all know how this feels. He'd talk to other girls for a while behind my back, or i'd hear girls in the background when I called him. My mind was always on edge wondering what he was doing or what girl he was with. He did whatever he wanted and hung out with whomever he wanted, hit on girls in front of me, but he would start a fight with me as soon as I started doing what I wanted or trying to date other people. (go figure) If I was with someone else, he would always reel me back in with his manipulating words of "But baby I love you, it's you and me that guy doesnt mean shit". Of course stupid me would take him back, only to start the cycle again 2 weeks later, "I dont know how I feel" ... break up. 2 weeks later I start to feel good without him, guess who comes back.. It went on exactlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy like that for about a year and a half pathetically. Clearly he was trying to find someone better each time he left me, but he couldn't so he always returned. Until finally he met a girl, who he thought would be a perfect replacement. She was a bit older than us, she drove, was in college, had a job, seemed pretty cool. She met the both of us a few months back, ha... and then come to find out a few months later that he was contacting her for months behind my back, telling her he wanted to be with her. So we broke up at a party, and the next day he saw me kiss this guy that i dated while broken up with him. He flipped out on me calling me a slut and everything, meanwhile he's talking to this girl behind my back. But the thing was he still flipped out and called me names even WHEN we were broken up. He did what he wanted when he broke up with me, but if i did the same, I got shit. A couple days later, I go to his house, we have sex for i dont even remember why, it was horrible. He couldnt even satisfy me sexually, so he thought there was something wrong with me for "not liking sex", he never even stopped to think it was because of him. He was great at oral, and that's what kept me coming back. But then a few days passed, and usually i'd wait for him to call me, but the next thing I know, I randomly looked at that girls myspace, (the girl we had met that he was talking to behind my back), I randomly look at her pictures because I forgot I was friends with her on there, and I find a picture of her kissing my ex. which was a shock since we had just had sex 2 days earlier. and then the cycle stopped after that, he was with this girl, he thought she was amazing perfect yada yada, and he didnt need me anymore, then after a month or 2, they were always fighting, he'd call/text/IM me whenever they werent talking. he'd tell me he loves and misses me. then I wouldnt hear from him and he'd be back with her. this happened for a little while, I had moved to florida when he started dating her..he wanted nothing to do with me unless they were fighting. then me and the girl started talking, he hated that, he cursed me out unbelievably when he found this out, she wouldnt listen to him when he told her to stop talking to me, so he'd IM me and curse me off thinking i'd listen. this was a bit awkward for me, shed talk crap about him, tell me she was done with him, and then go right back to him which left me feeling awkward. i was moving back to jersey from florida a couple months later, he was quick to swoop in like superman and ask for me to be with him. I thought he had changed by now. We dated about a month, everything seemed good, then he started acting different, he made plans only to completely blow me off, wouldnt answer his phone, nothing. the girl would convince me to break up with him, only for her to be with him the next day. come to find out from the girl, they had been having sex and being together behind my back. I was crushed, but at the same time, it didnt hurt at all. I was done with his crap and that's what it took for me to finally let go for good, I got back with the guy he saw me kiss, who was an amazing person, honest, respectful, polite, knew how to treat a woman, but at the same time he was drop dead sexy. my ex came back several times to try and win me back, but i wouldnt let him. I was finally done. it was the most amazing thing I have ever done for myself. I accepted the realization he wasn't the person he used to be, I was no longer the only girl he had in his life, he was busy being on and off with the other girl, who turned out to be a major slut who was also medically insane. (sucks), although she stayed around, thanks to my sister always bringing her around even though she knew i didnt want her around me. Even though I was numb to this after i ended it permanently with my ex, I still have problems completely forgiving him for all the unbelievable crap he did to me, he took me for a fool, he made me look like a fool when he cheated on me with sluts who knew me. Also he had me believe he was a virgin when he took my virginity, come to find out 5 years later, he wasn't one. He died a year ago from severe head injuries because someone beat the living crap out of him. and his "friends" set it up. He treated me like crap like that, and then to hear from one of the sluts he was messing with, someone who hated me for being with him, she told me how he was always saying i'm the one he was going to marry me because i was the only girl who had never f**ked him over. ( meaning me)