ArticleI hate having sex...
Well basically I cant have sex with the light on with no clothes on and without make-up on...I have NO IDEA WHY! I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months and everything is great. There's just one problem with our relationship and it's because of my self-confidence. i don't understand why I can't open up sexually. I can give him everything else but then I dont even enjoy sex. I was abused when I was younger and I find I fake it which I hate but I feel I have to so he knows he's pleasing me even if he isn't. We have to use lube all the time because I just cant work up enough for sex. Can someone please help!!
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I suggest therapy.
Yes therapy is the only advise I can give it to you dear! Hope everything will be fine with you. :) Take care!
Your childhood does make you who you are today. What i have to say is stop having sex. You're not comfortable with it, and having sex isn't going to boost your confidence in the first place. And another thing, 7 months...that's it? You haven't even been dating a year and you're already having sex.
That should say something. Sex should be between married couples, and i am not getting holy righteous on you. You want to know why it should be? Because by the time you are married yo u are comfortable with the one you are with. You know for sure that this is the seal to the deal of your love, and its okay to do it. If you get pregnant no one will point a finger at your back.
And you're more free to understand that he won't cheat on you with another (unless he is not a good husband)
What i am saying is...Sex doesn't build a relationship. It adds to a relationship with pleasure...but it doesn't build.
You need to first overcome the abuse you had as a child. Obviously you're not over it, and you are afraid! I do also suggest counsling.
You need to refrain from sex until you and your boyfriend are on the same level of understanding your situation.
Don't fake anything to make a man pleased. BE YOURSELF...We're all not perfect. And we all have something in our past that scares us.
Just understand that you first need to love yourself before you can love someone else.
Just saying, Alicia, you seem to be pretty uptight, judgmental, and naive.
You seriously think that marriage solves everything? Just because the guy proposes doesn't make him a good person, or a good sexual partner, or even a person you should be with. Look at the divorce rate. Look how many women are beaten by their husbands and unable to report it because they are legally tied to their men.
My mom has been with my stepdad for at least ten years, entirely unmarried. And you know what? She's far happier than she ever was married to my dad.
Your posts on all of these boards are entirely unnecessary.
Also....it sounds to me like you haven't been in many relationships. Classifying them by time? Like one year makes a difference, vs. 11 months? It's not about that.
I remember back at the beginning of high school, during sex ed, I said to myself 'gosh, why would anyone have sex early in a relationship? you, like, barely know the person!!!111!'
then I actually started dating.
Why should sex only be for someone you're going to spend the rest of your life with? [I personally am a virgin and plan to sleep with the guy who wants to spend his life with me whenever I feel like it, almost certainly before I marry him.]
Also...shouldn't you have sex with someone BEFORE you marry them?
The last thing you want to do is marry someone you don't know if you are sexually compatible with. Sex isn't some holy gift that turns to sin without a ring, it's just natural, and another way of telling someone you love them. Which, oddly enough, isn't confined to marriage either.
Amen, sister.
i agree with the anon's
Alicia, some people never get married, are they supposed to stay virgins for life?
sex can bring two people closer together if they care about each other
I dont think your looking at it the right way anon. Basicly, when your married youve been with the guy for a while. WAAAAAAAY more then just 7 months. Your used to each other. This can also be the same for couples whove been together for a long time.
I think Alicia was brilliant and smart. WE NEED more girls like her, rather then the whores who'll go out and do it simply out of boredom.
actually thats not true Carol
my parents got engaged after 1 month then married 7 months after that. they barely knew each other before they got together
3 years later along i popped
marriage can happen quickly
erm carol, which anon are u referring to? im confused now :s
Excuse me, Carol, but I'm sexually experienced, I have had sex with several guys, I have an amazing sexual relationship with my boyfriend, and I am NOT a 'whore who'll go out and do it simply out of boredom'; I actually find that incredibly insulting, seeing as I have only ever had sex when in long-term relationships. I'm actually quite frigid that way. Also, I have sex with someone out of love, not lust. I had sex with my boyfriend after about a month and a half, shock horror! Guess what? Tomorrow we hit the 15-month mark. Also, I'm not a Christian, I'm a Pagan, so I can't get a 'proper' marriage anyway... Sorry to disappoint.
Also, in answer to the question, try going to sexual therapy. Tbh, if you've been abused as a child, it's no wonder that you're struggling with sex, and I can't understand why your bf isn't trying to be more understanding... Or have you told him? If not, I would.
I find this offensive. You cannot pigeonhole people or life like that. I am sexually experienced and I'm in a 9 month relationship with someone and had sex right at the start. He is the most amazing man I've ever met and we click on an entirely other level to anyone I've been with before and I hope to be with him indefinitely.
Yes, I agree with you that for some people that sex after marriage is right for them because it is what THEY want. You just can't force that kind of judgement on other people by condemning what you don't agree with as whorish. Which, by the way, is a horrible way to refer to your fellow girls; it's by using this word about each other that gives men licence to say it as well.
I agree with Alicia that if you aren't comfortable having sex then, simply, don't. If this guys cares about you he'll understand, and you can try and work through your issues and maybe get some therapy to help you - good luck :)
On some of Alicia's other points I have to disagree... sex shouldn't only be between married couples. If that was true, I wouldn't be here. My parents have been together for over 30 years and aren't married, and they're still happy and have never cheated or anything.
Also, you can't put a time frame on how far into the relationship you have sex. For me and my current partner, we waited a week and a half. Basically, we both have high sex drives and there's a hell of a lot of chemistry between us. We'd also taken 8 months getting to know each other beforehand. But I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him, so to me it feels right and not rushed at all... and no-one who knows me could ever call me a slut lol
I feel like if you aren't confident enough about youself to enjoy sex, you're probably not ready for it. If it's not something you want, don't do it! In time, you'll get more comfortable in your own skin. And the way you feel about sex could also have something to do with the way you feel with your partner. I'm not saying you don't love him or anything like that, but he should make you feel okay to be youself, not feel like you should try to be someone else.
I understand what you are going through and I have had trouble in the pass with guys that has totally screwed me up in the head, due to what did happen to me am i body concerned, even though all my friends think I am beautiful.
Hun just think if you keep having sex with your boyfriend its going to make the situation worse and it will stick in your mind for years to come. you need to start coming to terms of what happened to you in your past, and then move on. YES this is very difficult to do and I'm still struggling with what I have to get over, but I am doing it all by my self without any friends help or therapy either which is a longer way of dealing with it, I have only come to terms with what happened, and things keep adding to the pile of why I am like I am.
lets get back on track.
You need to tell your boyfriend about this or at least tell him how you are feeling about sex. If he loves you then he will stick by you and help if not then it was never really meant to be. But you need to start taking baby steps now to recovering from what has ever happened to you now or it will ruin the rest of your life, and that won't be any fun for you and you deserve to be happy and live your life being comfortable with yourself and with any man you are in a relationship with to trust him.
I wish you all the best and i hope you take the advice of the post that have been posted.
xx
I too was abused earlier in my life, I was beaten and raped and it took me a while to get over the idea of having sex. I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months and we've only tried a handful of times because the first time I almost hit him because I had a flashback. Honestly, therapy will help you get over it, don't push yourself to do anything with your body because you will regret it. You should also talk to your boyfriend about the circumstances and he should be able to understand. For a while I too did fake it with a guy I was seeing for almost 4 years but all it did was make things more complicated when I decided to refrain from having sex him for long periods of time.
Honestly it does get easier dealing with abuse, it's the beginning process thats really hard to move through.
I wish you all the best!
When it comes to stuff like this self confident is quite a big thing and I know what you mean.
Seems like you have a good relationship butm aybe your not ready for sex yet?
This shouldn't matter to your man if he loves you and relationships arn't all about sex.
Good luck
I totally agree with Anonymous up there telling Alicia that her comments aren't relevant.
I'm actually offended that anyone would suggest that sex before marriage is wrong. Wow, get with the times!
same here
if u read some of the topics in the sex section Alicia says that a lot
I think she has class. :)
I think you should stop having sex, but not because it's wrong for the relationship or anything, but because you aren't enjoying it. I bet your boyfriend is more aware of the fact that you aren't enjoying it than you realise. You need to talk. You need to explain to him why you are going to stop sex for now. Make sure he realises it's not a permanant thing, it's not his fault, but it's not yours either. Then you need to just be close to him without sex. I think therapy would help, but it's not the only thing that could help, also the waiting lists might be long so in the mean time try this. Take off your make up and turn on those lights. Look at yourself in the mirror, decide what you like about yourself, or if you can't decide what you like about yourself, pretend it's someone elses body you can see. What would you compliment? Those lovely eyes or the hight cheek bones? The long legs or the smile with the perfect teeth? You'll find there's a whole lot you'd be envious of if you were looking from another perspective. Start there. You can even get your boyfriend to do it too, and tell each other what you like about the others body. Then write a list of your favourite personality traits, ie, you are a caring person, you are intelligent, you are always making other people smile, you're funny. Anything, focus on the positive!! I understand this isn't going to happen over night, and I do know it's going to be difficult. But I also know, that it will be worth it! :) Good luck and I really hope this helps.
realize you are beautiful...listen to him when he says it...trust me it can help break that barrier. theraphy might work too.I AGREE WITH THE COMMENT ABOVE compliment yourself find things you like about you
id talk about it with him
if he loves you he'll be willing to wait until your comfortable :)
if not, he wasnt wortth it in the first place
I agree with the comments saying stop having sex.. not because it is wrong or because you are not married but as has been said before because you are not enjoying it.. You are faking it and that makes you feel even worse than you already feel about having sex..
You are probably scared to come clean to him about faking the pleasure, maybe he will get upset with you for leading him on.. but in the end that is a normal reaction cause you have indeed been hiding your true self! own up to that.. if he really likes you he will want to talk to you and hear you out! and in the end support you through this difficult time..
If you dont want to tell him or feel as if you cant then maybe this guy is not meant for you.. OR you are not ready to be in a relationship, in that case you need to work on your issues before you date again.
wow i guess i am what some ladies call a whore. i love sex and have had as many partners as i have teeth in my mouth. i was also raped a lot when i was a toddler, i guess i had the opposite reaction, i dont shy from sex, i seek it. i dont date anyone if i dont have great sex with them, its extremely important to the health of my relationships. dont ever marry someone you havent made love to first trust me. i'm married now and for a long time we didnt really have sex after we were married due to busy lives. we did before, but it was new and exciting and so after our life got evened out and we had time to, we realized we weren;t compatible at all! it caused a lot of promblems and i almost divorced him because of it. but everything else in the marriage was amazing, so i stuck it out and we've been working on it. we actively and somewhat therapeutically work together on our sex life. if you dont tell your bf whats going on it will cause bigger problems later on, if you tell him, he can help you deal with it. he doesn't know hes hurting you and im sure he doesnt want to be.