I read the article about the girl who “was dating a guy who was moving in w/her best friend (who at the time had a boyfriend -- but broke up a week later). The guy then breaks up with her & she comes to find out her best friend and he hooked up. She feels betrayed by both of them especially her friend…” and I kind of recognized myself in this. I feel like I need to know if I’m really a horrible person right through, or if it’s okay to make a mistake, one that I really regret.

This summer was a tuff one. My boyfriend, who said he would never leave me, decided he didn’t want to speak to me anymore…and that was it. He was the one person in my life I trusted, the one who had supported me through rough times. My family was not to be counted on, and had no best friend to talk to…I had friends, but not that close. I was a wreck, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I went out drinking heavily every Friday and Saturday for four or five weeks, and took at the same time sleeping pills and other calming stuff. When I was out, I was really pathetic, crying even then. I could not control myself. I was always looking for him, everywhere, wishing he would turn around the next corner…just so that I could talk to him. Well, this is not the main point in my article.

While I still was with my boyfriend, I met this guy when I was out one night. I talked to him, just like you would talk to a friend, but he started flirting with me. I told him (when he got “too close”) that I was in a relationship, and that what he was doing was not okay. He accepted this, and when we met a few times after that he behaved politely. Time passes, and for some reason I talk about this guy with a friend who for some reason (probably because she knew I had met him, and he had flirted with her when she was out one night a few days before our conversation, my memory fails me a bit) brought him up in a conversation. She says that she’s not interested in him anyway and that he’s much older and so on, but it’s nice to get some attention.

One night me and a few of my friends are out at a club, and my friends (including the friend I just mentioned) end up at that guy’s place for an after party. When we’re about to go home everyone leaves his house except for my friend, when she joins us a minute later she tells us that he kissed her. It was her first kiss. “So, do you like him now?”, I ask. “Naaa, He’s so old” (+ another reason I don’t really remember), is her response. We discuss this matter a few days later and she says the same thing, and that he’s not the kind of guy to be in a relationship with.

Well, now to the night I regret so much. It was about three or four weeks after the break up, and it’s a night out with some friends. I’ve just started to be able to eat a little, and not cry continuously. I do feel alone, like I’m never going to be able to trust anyone, or love anyone ever again, but I’m out trying to work my way through the worst as quick as possible (even though I know “time heals”, or so it’s told). The guy is there, and my friend is there. This is so hard to explain, because I don’t want to make excuses, but I feel like there was so much on my shoulders and in my mind at that time. I had had a lot to drink, as “usual”, and that on a quite empty stomach. I take a seat in a sofa on the terrace; I don’t really feel like dancing or anything. The guy joins me, and we talk, don’t really remember about what. He probably knows somehow that I’m not with my boyfriend anymore. It feels good to just sit there and talk to someone, about whatever we are talking about. He makes me feel appreciated in some way. He then says that he thinks he has feelings for me, and we’re probably sitting kind of comfortable. He looks at me for (it feels like) a long time, leans over, and I give in. I give in, feeling that I maybe am not butt ugly and that maybe I can manage life without my ex boyfriend (who at the moment I'm still struggling with). I feel so horrible while writing this. I stop kissing him almost right away, because it doesn’t feel right. My emotions are not where I can control them, and I’m so confused about my break up (I still Love my boyfriend of course, even though I at this moment think I’ll never see or speak to him again). I also wonder what my friend will think about this.

She’s standing with some of our friends near the bar and I walk over there, thinking that she probably hates me now. She says “no, I don’t care; you do what you want”. Now when I think about it, we probably had this conversation before the kiss….and maybe that is of some importance? When we went home that morning she stopped me and said “I know you think I hate you, but I don’t, we’re still friends”. I was so glad to hear this, because I had bad regrets, I didn’t care for the guy at all, it could have been anyone (who’s not in a relationship and so on of course), and I didn’t want to put our friendship at the risk. We said good night, and parted.

The next day things had turned. I talked to my friend, and said I was sorry about what happened and that I really hoped that she could forgive me. It didn’t mean anything, it was a big mistake and to that when she said it was okay, I really believed it. Now she was upset, and it wasn’t about the kiss really, it was because of the “principle”, she said. This principle I couldn’t figure out, maybe “you don’t kiss a guy who your friend has kissed, but she says she doesn’t like, and…”, maybe somebody can let me know what she meant? Maybe it was because he was her first kiss, but as I mentioned “she didn’t care”. From this,” still being friends”, in a few days it went to “maybe not being able to forgive me for this”. I tried to apologize in every way. I ignored the guy when he texted me, mailed me and so on. I wrote to my friend, tried to contact her.

When she didn’t respond, I posted an article in my blog because I knew she would see that. I spoke from my heart and said that I couldn’t do anything to change what had happened, but that I didn’t understand where the principle lay. My principle is to say what I feel and think, and I didn’t think that she could talk about a broken principle when she had told me the opposite of what she felt. I wrote that I probably though should have seen that I was doing something wrong, even if I was confused in every way (everything I did felt wrong at the time). I had just gone through some of the hardest weeks of my life so far, and it was hard to recover from – I was still in a “regret stage”. I really had been a person I myself didn’t recognize. I asked for forgiveness, and wrote my sincere regrets…with no response from her. A month or two later (as I said before; my memory of some things just doesn’t function - probably because of the pills I was on), she posts an article in her blog saying (to anonymous person, but probably me) that “you’re haunting me, stepping on me, and when I say I forgive you, I really don’t. You will never get my forgiveness, you don’t deserve it, It’s over…” and a lot of harsher words. I read it over and over again, and it makes me so sad.

No matter what I did there was no second chance for me, to show her that I’m not really that person who did that stupid thing this summer. I just wanted a second chance. “It was just a stupid stupid kiss”, I know it sounds so cliché. I’ve never done anything like this before, and I’m not used to people saying these things to me. I don’t think of myself as a bad person, I know I’m just human, and I made a mistake…one time. I sure will never make the same mistake again, but I still have no chance to prove it to her. I miss her and want her in my life, but I can do nothing…maybe with this article I just wanted to get all this of my chest, what (from my point of view) happened…or I don’t know, maybe I want some answers to if I’m really that bad of a person..I just need some response. I feel like she overreacted a bit, she did tell me she didn’t care…why couldn’t she just tell me that she did? Maybe there’s a girls code I should know of, or maybe I’m just stupid. I regret it, but I have learned a lesson..I think. I talked to a couple of my friends about this, and they agree with my thoughts.

My friend and I are close to 20 years old, and, as my other friends pronounced it, it’s a bit fifth gradish. “Night club kisses” (or in general with people you meet at parties) aren’t that serious of a subject in our age. I don’t know, as you can see I’m a bit divided. I could use some serious response to if I’m a bad person, what she meant with “principle”…and just any response. Thank you.