ArticleWhen to Stay and When to Go?
Well it's been a wonderful 8 years of marriage, unlike most couples heading for divorce it's not a total train reck. I wish I could say that my husband and father of my children was a total ass but this is not the case, he's a great guy and fabulous father.
So why on earth would I want out? The truth is that as little girls from a very young age it's ingrained in us to get married and have babies. I dated lots of guys but I was still very young (21) and most of the guys I dated were well.... shall I say total losers, therefore I had zero interest in them after one date. My husband on the other hand was not a loser, he was a totally great guy. Great guy and compatible for the rest of my life are two very different things. Sure, we've gotten along for the most part but I get along with MOST guys.
What made this one "the one"? Well, 8 years and three little kids later I find myself asking just that, what made him "the one"? The truth is he was nice and cute and really what more could I want? I simply had no one else to compare him to, he was the first good guy, so I snatched him up.
In marriage there are far more things to consider like: Will he captivate me? Will I be the best I can be with this person? Will I devote myself to him wholly? Will he make a great father and help me? Will he be too firm, grumpy, demanding or jealous? Will he help me to reach my full potential by lifting me up or picking me up when I fall? Does he make you laugh and do you truly find him funny?
The truth is that until you're already married you really don't know what would suit you better and loving someone and not being in love with them will make for a very long and painful life. I've been in this toss up for years, should I stay or should I go? As painful as it is I have to go, be true to myself and not be pressured into what is right for everyone else but me.
Choose your partners wisely and just like hand bags and shoes, who doesn't want the top of the line!? Men are just the same...Never settle for the knock-off or the possibility that it might not be the real thing. Make sure it's the real deal before you invest, this is your life and not just a really hot pair of shoes.
Amanda
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wow---I am in your shoes completely---I can relate....
14 years of marriage, and 2 beautiful daughters. I can TOTALLY relate as well... May I ask, when did you start feeling this way, at what age?? I am 38 years old, and it has took me a VERY long time to get the courage to file; 7 years to be exact... I have been very curious why there are so many very unhappy women with good guys? I am one of them...
wow---I am in your shoes completely---I can relate....
Me too. 13 years and 3 kids...
I can totally relate. I was in this toss up for 2 years with my ex-husband. Now after 10 months I am in it with my boyfriend. It's scary & it hurts all at the same time. I wish you the best of luck!
I'm at a crossroad, but we're not married. We've been together for almost three years ans we have a beautiful 8 month son. Sometimes I feel like we're perfect for each other and other times I feel like I'm not good enough for him or maybe he's not interested anymore. I keep telling myself that we're perfect for each other, but then I see things that make me question our relationship. I really don't know what to do because I'm afraid to talk to him
Same goes. I've been in a relationship (my first) for three years. I lost my virginity to the guy, love him to death, but I'm just not into it anymore. We've grown apart, and I'm scared to death of telling him, but I know I have to do what's right for me.
Ummmm. 37years, 1 child. No affairs. Almost too late to do anything about it. Anyone got any suggestions??
hi there~ I am, (along with many other women are) right there with you; and you are NOT alone. I was, ( 5%, I still am)... I know how very hard this is; and the biggest, and best advise I can share with you, is the most important.trust yourself, and you cannot ask friends, family. I found that just confuses you even more!.
I was looking for answers everywhere besides within my own body and mind.
I was the, "walk away wife" (google it if youd like) , and It was too good to go; and too bad to stay- sol whats a woman do? I was in my local bookstore looking for some kind of answer, I was there to buy Dr.Phil's ,"SELF MATTERS", I walked over to the marriage section, and to my surpirse, there is a book actually called, "TOO GOOD TO LEAVE TOO BAD TO STAY", immediately bought it! If you buy ANY book, ssttrronnnnggly suggest you buy it! (the author is Mira Kirshenbaum. It has great advise without the emotional tie, any friend or family member will have; also, regaurdless whether they are "for" you, or "for him", there will be predispoistion to any situation. This book, has stories to relate to, questions for you to answer, however~ you NEED to be completely open, and authentic to yourself, and most importantly, fair.
I hope this will help. Feel free to email me if you'd like! sandralyn71@live.com, the best of luck to you, stay strong girl!
~ Sandy
Same space, great guy however the passion has fizzled and I can't imagine living the rest of my life without it. 18 years of being a mom and focused on that. I woke up one day and did not recognize myself. I'm feeling very selfish as I work on adding fun and new friendships to my life. I recently joined a coed dodgeball league lol. I want to feel alive. I plan to buy the book in hopes of finding some clarity. Thanks for your suggestion.
Shelley
After 37 years, you should feel free to at least talk to him about what you're feeling. Maybe if you bring up the topic he will begin thinking about things,too, and perhaps remembering what it was that made you marry each other in the first place. But, if I can say nothing else, it is NEVER too late to do something about it. You need to put your happiness and the happiness of your marriage first. Follow your heart.
I can relate to this too.. I've been with him for five years, and for the past year and a half I have been dealing with the toss up of whether I should stay or go... I love him, but I think that the only reason I have been staying with him all this time is because I dont want to hurt him. But I have finally come to the conclusion that even though I'm not in love with him anymore, I still love him.. And I think its best I leave him before this ends more badly than it should, and that goes along with the fact that I simply can't live this unhappily any longer.. Thanks Amanda for letting me know that im not the only one who has felt this way! I wish you the best of luck!
omg.. what you just wrote is what i feel to the dot. I don't know what to do.. feel real lost
Honestly... Its a process.. I mean I had to go through the process of falling out of love with him and distancing myself from him little by little each day.. Believe me, I went back a ton of times! And im not even sure that my process is complete.. but everytime I stand up to him and tell him I can't do it much longer, I feel a little more of the weight lifted off my shoulders... My advice to you is to make up in your mind what you wat to do based on how you are feeling.. The way I decided was by weighing the pros and the cons of staying. Needless to say, the bad outweighed the good!.. Think of how u feel when you are not feeling trapped by him or hurt by him.. If u feel like a better you without that (like I do) then its probably best you leave. Another way I figured it was time to go was when I realized that being with him, I no longer have piece of mind.. So thats another things to consider.. But like I said, its a process and it will take time. Wish you the best!
if you are afraid to talk to him then you should probably go... i think that you should be able to talk to your significant other about ANYTHING without fear.
I too can relate- The first good guy, 4 yrs & 2 suprise babies...He's a great, great guy, great father, great friend, but we just aren't compatible. I love him, but am not "in" love with him. I know what I have to do, but how? Neither one of us can afford to split up. I don't want to "force" a realtionship for the next 20 yrs. I want our family to be happy. I feel trapped.
even though it seems as if neither one of you can afford to split up, there is always a way. i remember my mother telling me about how when she got divorced from her first husband, she was so scared; she got married at 18 and had never had to live by herself and support herself; not to mention that she had to support 3 kids in the process. the fact is, one should never have to live in a relationship just because they think they can't afford it. there is ALWAYS a way.
the grass isnt always greener on the other side.step back and think about what you really want and think of the needs.....love is what you make it why dont you try and spice up the marriage you have and try and see your husband as a person not a father ..take an holiday together go on dates.....its not easy being a single mom . ive been one for 3yrs my ex was a bully and alcoholic. i now date a guy i knew 18yrs ago but thought he wasnt exciting enough for me..mr exciting beat me up...this guy is loving and understanding and makes me happy and content i wouldnt swap him for anything.......................x
I think you are right, Marie and, bullies wield their fists to control a situation, and some may even act loving and kind...at first! finding a good guy is so hard for many! I am glad you have a good guy in your life.
I don't think it's ever too late to try and find happiness. I just wish it was as simple as saying "I'm done,, next". I do love him and I'm in love with him, but the pain I feel every day is just unbearable.
i have been together with my husband 11years, married for 7, 3 kids.
i need to go, i have been with him since 19 and he is like having another child, he is 40.
i have no money, nothing of my own. this is so not the life i wanted but here i am, and i want ti each my kids that its not good to stay put because its expected of you.....
I relate completely. We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. He's a good guy and a great father. We were together 9 years. It's tough when you have to make such a decision, but, it's not what other people think or feel, it's about one self.
"Don't marry the person you can live with, marry the person you can not live without"..
I used to say that my ex-husband was someone I could live with....then, I found out that I couldn't live with him. We get along more now.
I am now with a wonderful man who I can say: I found my soul mate.
Wow. I totally 100% disagree with you! Love and Marriage isn't a milk carton you throw away at the end of the day, once it is all used up. I have been married for 8 years now, and I would like to think I have learned something about this. My husband and I separated for 11 months a year ago, on the brink of divorce. I had it in my mind it was over, and I was never going to look back. I am smart, successful, I run my own business, and I pretty much get what I want out of life, and thought I didn't need him. I have found ANYTHING can be worked out, including issues, so unless he is gay, what kind of example are you showing to your kids? that walking away from their Daddy is what you do when you get tired, or want more adventure? If you want more, work it out IN your reationship, not out of it, and seek a counselor, or a pastor, or someone who can exactly tell you what marriage is all about, but as for this article, I am highly offended that you would think that when you are "done" you just toss your partner to the side, and this is EXACTLY the reason men and Women don't get married for the long haul, because they are afraid of getting married to some shallow person who no longer thinks it is "hip" to preserve the sanctity of their marriage! dang, I feel sorry for your children who will now think their parents are "options" what a terrible example to them! children are not handbags or toys that you put in a closet at the end of the day, and "forget".
I have known so many women who say things such as, "now I am going to do something for me" and I think, "well, why aren't you already doing it?" and then I realize what they mean is playing the field. they are tired of their partner, because they are not sexually satisfied in some way, and they want to find their sexual match. ha ha! oh yes, I am good, because I have lived it. and, I realize how stupid I was too! since my husband and I have been back together, we have rekindled that fire we didn't even know existed, just by changing some things up! So no, you aren't going to find something better out there, what you are going to find is a player out there who is going to play you like a fine tuned fiddle, and then leave your strings broken, and you wondering what had happened.
First of all i would like to say, not every woman that wants to do something for themselves is wanting to sleep around and i think most of us would never think of out kids as handbags.. omg what made you even write that. I think you are not understanding what we are saying here.
ok, you are creeping me out....
"I am highly offended that you would think that when you are "done" you just toss your partner to the side"
You're "highly offended," yet you did the same thing. So you're saying that since you did the EXACT same thing these women are thinking of doing as well, but you were lucky enough to be able to work out your marriage, that you're better than them and they're just bad people.
Nowhere in any of these posts did anyone talk about tossing their husbands and finding a new man "because they are not sexually satisfied in some way." I don't even think anyone even talked about sex.
You don't know what any of these women are going through. Yes, their men may be great guys, but that doesn't mean they have to stay with them no matter what. I am lucky enough to be completely in love with my man, and I know that if I started to have problems I would try to work them out. And good for you that you were able to make your marriage work and rekindle the fire in your relationship. But that doesn't mean that every women on here has the same situation as us. Maybe they did try to work on their problems, but it didn't help. Maybe they don't love their husbands anymore. Maybe they're in love with someone else. It doesn't matter. What they need is support, not someone bashing them because they're in a tough situation. Just because they're thinking of divorce doesn't make them bad women, or bad mothers. Being divorced or separated DOES NOT in any way mean these women don't care about their children anymore, or that they want to "put [them] in a closet at the end of the day, and "forget.""
You really should be ashamed of yourself for your post. You of all people should know the tough situation these women are in, and you should be giving them FRIENDLY advice, not bashing them, and accusing them of outrageous things that they never mentioned, and assuming that they are just terrible women who can't wait to "toss [their] partner to the side."
actually, I didn't leave my husband. My husband left me. It took everything I had, and 11 months to save my relationship at all costs. I didn't bother to read the rest of your reply, because you just "assumed" mine. and, we all know where this article is leading to, and that is the authors "sexual fullfillment".
"I am smart, successful, I run my own business, and I pretty much get what I want out of life, and thought I didn't need him."
Sorry, that sure doesn't sound like someone who was just left by her husband. That sounds like a woman who didn't want her husband anymore. I'm sorry I assumed as well.
If that was an apology, then I will take what I can get (LOL)
I wasn't trying to knock the author of this article, All I know, is that marriage is tough. It is probably one of the toughet jobs out there. And, you know, if she said her man was abusive, I'd beg her to get out while she could, for the sake of her children. If her husband was cheating on her, I'd ask her why she would be in a marriage like that. but boredom? or, wondering if she could find something better? oh heck no. I can guarantee you there is something better out there, and that goes for all of us!
I am ambitious, and that does scare men off, including married ones who feel they need to compete with their wives, and when they can't, do not feel adequate. that is what happened. He left to find his adequatecy. (hubby)
I was lucky though. I had a business and a job, and I left both to move to another state to tell him that he was the best thing that ever happened to me, and that I was sorry he felt the way he did.
I cannot say that my husband and I had sparks all over the place, or anything, I mean we did, but we have also felt that for others, yet remained faithful to each other.
I was single in my twenties though, and I know what men are like. they are as unpredictable as women are. they say I love you, and then never speak to you. they love you, and then leave you. just ask your single friends, they know what it is like.
I wish the author of this article well, because I just want her to know I have thought about what she has written with thought. I wish her children and husband well, and of course, I mean no ill intention, but I mean what I have written.
marriage is not supposed to feel like a "job" if you ask me... And maby most of these women got married a bit too earley in their life.
It's not that they don't know what they have, perhapps It's that they don't know what they're missing.
And "love" means so many diffrent things, depeding on the meaning you you'r self put behind it. Having someone you share you'r life with saying "I love you" and being able to tell that he/she truly means it, but not being able to say it back can be worse for some...
your are soooo totally right!!! if you weren't married nor a woman I would tell you I love you!!! haha. but seriously I am so sick of hearing about divorce. and how people are ending and changing their lives over selfishness and insecurities in themselves. It is just sickening. Marriage is supposed to be forever. till death do you part. not when the road gets rough. or.. I don't feel happy this year. ugh!!! Where did all this sane talk go!! Why can't people grasp this??
I think you're a self-righteous, standoffish woman. You act like you're better than anyone out there because you "saved your marriage". Since you claim that your husband left you, I'd like to know: what did you do? Guilt trip him to come back to you? So now you just made one more person miserable. Some people need to be by themselves in life, or need not to have a commitment in life like marriage, and don't realize it until AFTER they've done it. People make mistakes. So have you. If you claim that you've never made a mistake, you claim you're god, and from your assuming and judgemental nature I wouldn't say that is who you are. So what are you: a Westboro Baptist? Look them up. Google them. I'm sure you'll find many attributable similarities.
Sounds like you have an axe to grind because of some guilt trip in your past. Obviously, you feel guilty about something in your past. tsk, tsk. not everybody leads a selfish life like you promote. SORRY!
You really need to understand where this woman is coming from. Apparently, you have no empathy. There are other problems in a marriage/relationship than homosexuality. Violence, emotional abuse, or you plain aren't happy. Not being happy does not automatically mean that you want to sleep with someone else. It means the personalities no longer mesh, and THAT can be even more distructive than a divorce. Trust me. My parents finally got a divorce after 25 years of marriage in which they weren't happy for 15 of it, just because they had kids. I would have rather had them happy than miserable like they were.
Seeing your parents in an unhappy marriage and fighting constantly is NOT GOOD for your children. If you think that that's a better alternative than getting a divorce and being happy again, then you have some serious issues.
I have been through a lot of bad relationships, where I wasn't appreciated, and my boyfriend was the total opposite. Raising his son on his own, paid full attention to me, no drugs and he would never cheat. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but this seemed so amazing to me especially being a single mom. We have been together a little over 2 years now and have another baby. Just now I'm going through this, I didn't think about the fact that we don't have much in common I was so sure that he was what I needed. I love him, but the differences are starting to be painfully obvious. I am going to give it time and hope that we can compromise, that he can be more accepting of what I like even if it's not his thing. I have given up too much of what made me who I am. I would hate to break up our family, but if we stay together the next 20 years and we drift apart, it will be uncomfortable for everyone. But I really hope we can meet in a happy place in the middle. It is very tough!
I totally understand what you're saying and can relate as well. A good relationship of 5 years and 2 wonderful kids but he and I share nothing in common. He too is a great guy and I am thankful for him in many ways. But theres no spark , no chemistry, and very little as far as similar interests. I dont think I'm at a point where I would leave due to a number of factors. But you know, there was a man before him who was I think what you might qualify as my soul mate (we connected in amazing ways) and leaving was very hard but he didint treat me well about half the time and that wasnt good enough for me. Now I'm with someone who possesses the traits the other didnt but lacks elsewhere. I dont know that that perfect guy exists for all of us.
there is nothing wrong with having "nothing in common", LOL if my husband was just like me, I would go nutts. chemistry can happen with many people, where we desire to be with someone else, but our ethics prevent it, because of an already committed relationship. My husband and I have been together for awhile, and both of us at one point have wanted to drift, but we didn't. It happens. Commitment is a hard thing sometimes. And, oh yeah, sometimes other people' chemistry seems like they are totally "the one" but as I, and my hubby have had to learn, who would really take a bullet for you? that' the one who loves you most. I know -at least in my case, it is my hubby.
Amazing.....was my life a week ago...8 years, one child, same feelings........I got the courage three weeks ago and I have never felt such relief
Yes, I am in that same boat. Second marriage, 19 years, empty nest, married to a stranger. I'm fond of him...most of the time. I tolerate him. He has grown into an obsessive jerk and I'm a passive agressive personality. my friends tell me to leave, my kids are even telling me to leave. I'm not convinced I'm that miserable. Or that brave.
I am in the same position. I love my husband so much, but I am not in love with him. I feel cray talking to my friends about this because they love us both and they just think we should work it out. He loves our kids and is an amazing father to them. He is smart, cute and a hard worker. I feel alone as I go back and forth in this desicion. The thought of wether I will now be alone for ever. Am I being selfish, what about our kids? I felt trapped since I have been with my husband for 10 years. Now what do I do?
This is so weird to read what you are saying, I too have been with my husband for 10 years since we were 18 years old.. now 3 kids later and 10 wonderful years.. but it's just that feeling inside. He is awesome looking, a great father, a great husband, hard working decent i could go on and on.. but i feel torn.. I don;t want to hurt him or the kids... will i be doing the wrong thing, what if i am?? I keep thinking about it.. have thought about it the last few years.. I love him I'm just not in love with him... :( this is so hard, we are having fun together and our sex life isn't that bad at all... so it's not like i haven't tried, but it's like living with a friend... is that mabey how it's supposed to be? then why do i feel like there is something missing?
I have never been Married myself but I don't think I'll ever understand why someone would rather file for divorce and try with someone new rather than trying to fall in love again with the guy/girl you already have. I mean it's kinda a no brainer that marriage is a very hard intense kind of relationship. So if you are ready to quit on this one before even trying to talk to your Husband and make it work what makes you think it will be any different next time? If your husband is the great guy and good, loving father you said he was in your post he'll probably want to help save your marriage if you ask him to. And I've know and heard of (from older friends, mostly mentors and dance teachers) sparks that have been rekindled between spouses with some lingerie and letting him know that you don't want it to end, that you want him to pursue your heart. And if you don't have the courage to end your marriage, maybe there's something in you that dose not want it to end.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is don't give up before you've really tried.
I sincerely hope for the best with you :)
<3
(and my comment was directed to the first questioner. I only skimmed the comments after the first few and didn't realize there was more than one person asking for advice)
Well, I'm no expert. I had been married for 13 years and one child from a previous marriage. I love my ex-husband, but I'm not "in-love" with him. I did the hard thing and told him this, and filed for divorce and he couldn't understand it. Normal wifes don't do this....Normal women don't feel this way, he said. I often wonder when he turned into me, and started feeling my feelings...but, apparantely I wasn't NORMAL. We did divorce, it was extremely hard. I was called names, threatened, outcasted by both mine and his families and friends. I was utterly alone....after a few months, he started coming around and being this wonderful man, again...and now we are back together. I often wonder if it was just easier this way. I do love him...I'm not "in-love" with him, and he will never understand that, so I keep it to myself. We are best friends and have many interests and dreams in common, and that holds us together for now. Some men you just can't leave. He wouldn't let me leave....and in the end, he won. I know it isn't all about sex. I'm 43 and had a total hysterectomy when I turned 40 for medical reasons. My hormones didn't work well before, now I have none. So, sex with any man is not my turn on...these days. I'm of absolutely no help, just know that you are not alone. Just do what you feel in your heart, and live one day at a time the best you can. :][
Magazines and other forms of popular culture teach girls and women well how to mold their personalities to be compatible with men. Then, when you try to match up the real experience of a relationship with the dating scripts, everyone's upset. Women are upset because they feel inauthentic and men feel duped. I think what you're feeling is completely understandable considering the pressures put on girls and women to make themselves desirable while dating, and men's susceptablility to falling in love with fantasy (ie. Pygmalian). I'm also treading water in my 9 yr, 2 kid relationship but I think I've figured out how I got here and it makes me want to try to introduce new ways of relating and understanding b/c there's a lot to work with, actually.
I totaly agree, and the preasure they put on women to get married young! All little girls want to be princesses when they'r young, and then the grow ip, and it's like they realise that a wedding is the closest thing to that dream!
Sometimes it takes more then 3 years to see that you don't work out that great, and people change all the time. It's natural. And then, someday you might realise that you don't want the same thing any more... It happens, and it's a shame these women feel so trapt! Women getting married after 1, 2 years, maby that's too early!
But you married this man! did you not?? you took vows! I have to say i am watching about 5 really good people in my life going thru a divorce. some from a few months, to a few years, and one relationship that has been together for almost 20! i just don't understand. My mother has been divorced and remarried 4 times. I just could never imagine wanting to spend the rest of my life with that many men, then divorcing them in the end. My aunt and uncle have been married for 30 to 40 yrs. She told me IT IS WORK! there are moments where you feel like abandoning him. there are moments when you feel like you have had enough. there are moments where you feel like you could just kill him. BUT YOU WORK ON IT! and you have a good man?!!!!! you have half the work done for you!. another thing I want to say is I was working at a gas station around 2 yrs ago and this lady came in saying how it was her 45th anniversary. I was totally shocked since we dont see much of that these days. plus i was single and wanted advice. so I asked her "how in hell do you put up with the same man for that long... I mean just how all together?" and she tells me there are so many men. so many choices, it all depends on how much you are willing to deal with from a man. All men have their issues, and most of them cant let them go, and when they do it takes a lot longer then it would for you and me. point is... you have a good man. at one point you loved him. at one point you couldnt see your life without him. at one point you adored everything about him. remember that. find that. YOU TOOK VOWS DAMMIT!
ANOTHER THING, MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT FEELING UNHAPPY ABOUT THE MARRIAGE BECAUSE YOU ARE IN ALL ACTUALITY UNHAPPY WITH YOURSELF! OR INSECURE ABOUT YOURSELF. MAKE SURE IF YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE IT IS PURE-FULLY BECAUSE HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU.
agree with you :) I don't when marriage became such a throw away, marriage is suppose to be until death do you part not until you get bored and think oh there is someone else better out there. You have to work at marriage, it won't always be easy.
I am on the other side of the coin, I am married to a man that says that he has never felt sparks for me, but he loves me. At what point does he find someone who gives him those sparks and leaves me? I have thought of leaving him several times, but have just never gotten up the courage, since I love him. From what I have read...sparks are important...in my opinion, they are what keeps you there. Should I suck it up and accept the things I cannot change, since he says he wants to be my husband?
I read this article interested, but also curious. I'm young, only 19, and have been dating the same guy for three years. Sometimes I question it, but I'm slowly starting to realize that's only because I feel like I should question it. My mother is always saying to me (despite the fact that my parents really do love my boyfriend) comments like, "yeah, we'll see how that goes.." with a bit of disbelief. It's not in the fact that the relationship won't last, but she has outwardly told me that I'm in college and I should be exploring and doing my own thing. So I question myself and I question us. I read this maybe to find a little guidance, I'm not sure. What I do know is that I came out of it with a grin on my face and my heart pounding through my chest. Reading this I realized that I absolutely did still love this man.
I really appreciated this article, thanks.