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20 Red Flags Mr. Right is Mr. Wrong

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Posted by Anonymous on November 8, 2009 at 11:50 AM

Are you dating someone and wondering if he's the man for you? Are you not sure if he's husband quality? Here are 20 warning signs that might indicate he's not Mr. Right but Mr. Wrong. I found this article when I was trying to figure out if my ex was the right guy for me and it helped me realize he wasn't... Hopefully if some of you are going through the same thing this will help you as well...


Warning Sign #1: He doesn't treat his mother well.

Does he constantly complain about, badmouth, and have no respect for his mother? Does he argue with his mother frequently? Overall, does he not treat her well? That might be a good indication of how he'd treat you someday. If he doesn't respect his mother, that is a big red flag that he isn't the one for you. The same goes with how he treats his sister, grandmother, or other women in general.


The only situation I could think where this might be different, is if he had been abused or neglected by his mother. But even in that case, he should not be mistreating her, perhaps be estranged. If you are in that scenario, I recommend asking a counselor for advice.


Warning Sign #2: He doesn't have a steady job.

I may sound harsh, but if he's not working or in school full time, he's not marriage material. A good man should be able to support his family. Yes, its possible he could change. But you better make sure he's changed before you say "I do." What I mean is he's had a poor work history in the past, he needs to have had a steady job for at least 18 months or so, before you even think about marrying him.


Warning Sign #3: He is possessive.

If he tells you what you can and can't do, wear, or what kind of friends you can have, it time to say buh-bye. That is a big red flag of abusive men. If he is trying to control you, he's not for you.


Warning Sign #4: He criticizes you.

If he says hurtful, negative things to you about you, then its time to call it quits and move on. You deserve better. It will only get worse, hon, if you stay in this relationship.


Warning Sign #5: He has ever hit, slapped, or punched you.

Yep, that's a big red flag, sweetie. Is this the kind of guy you want to be the father of your children? Please don't make excuses for him, that behavior is not acceptable in any situation or scenario. It's time to move on. If you are in this situation, I recommend you call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.


Warning Sign #6: He is in serious debt and not trying to work out of it.

Has he accumulated a large amount credit card debt or other bills? Does he admit he's made some mistakes and is trying to get out of it? If not, he's not for you. Do you really want to start off a marriage in that boat? This is not to say he can't have any debt (as its understandable to have student loans, car payments, medical bills, etc.), but if he's been frivolous with spending money and is not trying to change, that's a big sign he's Mr. Wrong.


Warning Sign #7: He doesn't share the same religious beliefs as you.

I'm just being honest. If you're not on the same page in the religion department, I don't believe he's a perfect match for you.


Warning Sign #8: He has lied to you.

A good man is an honest man. Liars don't make good husbands. That is just my personal opinion that I feel is a big red flag.


Warning Sign #9: You're not physically attracted to him.

I know this one is obvious! But I really felt I needed to include it, as there are many women who do marry someone they aren't physically attracted to and in love with. If you aren't "goo-goo-ga-ga" attracted to him, then please don't marry him. There are other fish in the sea.


Warning Sign #10: Your family/friends don't like him.

Okay, this is one where you need to use your best judgment. If your family and close friends have told you that they don't like him, by all means listen to them! If it's just one person, you might take that with a grain of salt, but if several people have told you, it's a big red flag! At the very least, please delay marriage for a long time if this is the case.


Warning Sign #11: He is going way too fast in the relationship.

In college I had friends where their boyfriends told them they loved them just a few weeks after dating! And some we're talking marriage within a few weeks. And, you've guessed correctly, some of these relationships didn't last. This is just my personal opinion, but marriage is something that should not be pushed and she be taken very seriously. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's not going to work out (as my grandparents were married for 50+ years and had a very short courtship), but I do consider this a warning sign.


Warning Sign #12: He flirts with other woman.

No, it's not just you being jealous, it's a sign that this relationship isn't for you. If he flirts with your friends or other woman, he's not a good guy. If he denies it, that's an even bigger sign he's not for you. You need to marry someone who will be dedicated to you 100%.



Warning Sign #13: He uses drugs / is an alcoholic.

I feel that good marriages and drugs / alcohol abuse don't mix. If he uses drugs or you feel he is an alcoholic it's time to let him go. This is not to say that someone with problems in the past could be a good husband - as someone who messed up, got treatment, and stayed substance free for years might have potential. But if it's a problem now, it's time to say goodbye for now.


Warning Sign #14: For single mothers - your kids don't like him.

I'm just being brutally honest, but you need to put your children first. If your children have expressed that they do not like him, and aren't comfortable with your relationship, then that is a big warning sign it will not work out. If you really, truly believe he is the one for you, then you should wait until the kids are grown to get married.


Warning Sign #15: He has a problem with pornography.

This is a tough one because you might not even know about it. But, if you have ever caught him with pornography or found it on his computer, that's a sign this guy isn't for you. If he does admit he has a problem and is seeking treatment, speak with a counselor about continuing the relationship.


Warning Sign #16: He is constantly negative and bitter about life in general.

If he complains frequently about his job, his family, your mother, random people at the grocery store, etc., then please think twice about this relationship. Do you really want to spend your life with a grumpy and grouchy man? It will only get worse.


Warning Sign #17: He has children from past relationships but doesn't have much contact with them.

This one's pretty self-explanatory. If he doesn't pay child support, doesn't act as a father to his children, he's definitely not that man for you.


Warning Sign #18: He has any kind of criminal history that involves domestic violence or abuse.

This one's obvious, but if he has ever had a restraining order against him, ever been arrested violent behavior, he's not Mr. Right. If he has other criminal history, I would think twice (but not necessarily immediately call it quits) about him. You might speak with a counselor on this one. People do change.


Warning Sign #19: He doesn't meet all of the qualities you've dreamed for in a husband.

This is another challenging one. You don't want to picky and unreasonable, but at the same time you need to stick to your qualifications in a husband. For example, if you always though you'd marry someone who would support you in being a stay-at-home-mom someday, but he doesn't like the idea, then he's probably Mr. Wrong. If you've always wanted 3 kids and he's not sure he wants kids at all, he is definitely not Mr. Right for you. (He could be Mr. Right for someone else that wants a childfree life.) You can settle when picking out your next car, but please don't settle for your husband.


Warning Sign #20: You are having some doubts.

If you are having an inkling of a feeling that he's not for you, by all means, listen to your intuition. Do not rush into marriage. I highly recommend speaking with a counselor to help you sort through your feelings.

These are just twenty warning signs that you are at risk of divorce, abuse, or just being unhappy. If your boyfriend fits any of these warning signs, please consult a counselor or minister. If you feel like you’re a victim of domestic violence please visit  http://www.ndvh.org/ for help!


This article was written by Rachel Carpenter. To see the original article click here: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/887383/20_signs_youre_dating_mr_wrong.html?cat=41

 

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  • Posted by Anonymous on November 30, 2009 at 2:57 PM
I'm going to have to disagree and say #15 IS a valid issue. I'm currently engaged to a man who has a full-blown addiction. It DOES exist, and it has almost caused us to break up several times. I'm sticking with him because he is willing to get help for the sake of our relationship and our child. I can't even allow "occasional" porn use for him because it literally is like allowing the former alcoholic to have the "occasional" alcohol... It causes him to relapse. A porn addiction is different than the guy who just uses it every once in a while in the fact that it comes at the detriment to other parts of his life, such as relationships with friends and family, neglecting other things that need to be done (ie jobs and personal hygiene), and turning to lying to hide what he's doing. The internet makes porn so easily accessible that it is very easy to fall into an addiction. If you ask a guy whether or not he's addicted, he'll undoubtedly say no, but tell him to go a week without porn, and then see if he can actually follow through.
On top of that... Those of you saying that women who don't like their men to look at porn are insecure, immature prudes, are you kidding me? How rude! I am NOT insecure with my relationship, but I know that allowing my man to get off to other women or flirt with them is disrespectful to me and our relationship. My fiance knows this as well. Perhaps he can see it better than anyone else BECAUSE he has an addiction.
But whatever. To each their own. If you're okay with your guy looking at other women, that's your deal, and all the more power to you.
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Okay, #15 - I'm calling shenanigans on that. I've known of plenty of great marriages - including those who are family members - where the husband had a porn collection. Not only did the wives know, but they were fine with it, or at least tolerated it. (Believe it or not, some people just wanna get off by themselves. There's nothing wrong with that!) And some of the wives actually had their own stashes. Or they watched together and found ways to integrate it into their sex lives. Believe it or not, porn can actually do more than serve as a spank bank.
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I have a beautiful daughter who seems to stuck onto this guy who I called "Mr Wonderful" and he has so many negative ways about himself and she's a great person who's trying to "fix" and "help" him I hope she learns from this article to get away from him for good
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  • Posted by Anonymous on December 18, 2009 at 12:57 AM
This is making me want to get back with my ex even more because the only thing wrong with our relationship is the religion one. I'm Jewish, he's agnostic, but it was never a problem for us. He celebrated Hanukkah with me last year and I went to his house and celebrated Christmas with him on Christmas morning. So that wasn't a problem with us at all!
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  • Posted by Lih Tong on November 15, 2009 at 7:53 PM
As some people have pointed out, porn isn't all that bad. it can also relate to the point where "are you physically attracted to him?" because there still ARE virgins out there (i can attest to that!) who would not know what to do in bed if not for porno.

However, I would like to say the points stated aren't all bad either. and on top of that, I would like to modify #5 a llittle:

Has he ever been emotionally/physically abusive to you?

people tend to forget abuse isn't just a physical thing. Criticism isn't the only way to hurt someone. I had a boyfriend who would cry when he cheated on me, because he "couldn't lose me" and stalked me for ages instead of letting me have the time out to decide what to do. Then proceeded to go on a hunger strike to further prove how he couldn't live without me so me, in my naivety, felt bad enough to forgive him.

There's plenty of other things I can mention along the emotional abuse lines, but if you just sit down and look around I am sure people can start identifying the emotional abuse that they get...
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  • Posted by Anonymous on November 12, 2009 at 3:47 PM
I am a female. I like porn. I watch it with my husband. Does this mean we are cheating on each other? What is wrong with being naked? Its is natural. This shows that you must be extremly self-concious of your body. Skin is beautiful. I think sex is healthy.
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  • Posted by Anonymous on November 12, 2009 at 3:43 PM
I do not mean to be negative, however you are extremly wrong with so many of these. I am happily married for 27 years and let me tell you my side of the following:
Warning Sign #1: He doesn't treat his mother well. ---some people just do not get along with others. My husband, who is more in love with me today that ever before, treats me with respect. His relationship with his mother is awful! The same goes for my sister husband. This should not be a warning sign. This just means that there have been problems, and maybe you he just needs support and help seeing things from a females perspective.

Warning Sign #7: He doesn't share the same religious beliefs as you.
I am a strict Catholic and he is a strict Jew. While i go to church, he practices his beliefs at the temple. Our children were brough up learning about both religions. While my daughter chose to be Catholic, both my sons are Jewish. We respect each others decisions. This is the best part of our relationship, respect.

Warning Sign #19: He doesn't meet all of the qualities you've dreamed for in a husband.
My husband was not all there when i started dating him. He wasn't Mr.Right when i met him. Just because he doesn't do the things you like, or doesn't wear his cloths the way you like, or isn't as noticable of the things you wish. doesn't mean he won't learn. My husband learned how to do things the way i liked.. he took notice of how i dream my Mr.Right to be... he wanted to change for me because he loved me and cared about our future togther..

Now i have a question for you.....
When you are 87 years old, grey and saggy, will YOU be attractive? Looks have nothing to do with LOVE. in the end, all you will have left is LOVE... Soem things, you just have to learn how to look past.. don't be shallow. Love is so much deeper than that..

In my honest opinion, the author of this article has never seen love.

Even though some points are true, i think this should be revised. Love is a feeling that looks past the imperfections.

Ps-- why is porn bad? I think its great educational videos. That's what eyes are for, to look. As long as they don't touch, i don't see a problem with it.
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  • Posted by Anonymous on November 11, 2009 at 12:04 AM
just a thought...for those of you that are talking about the porn or the religion tips, these are based mostly on statistics. they do not always apply to a relationship in real life. some of them are obvious (controlling, domestic violence), but they are just the leading causes of divorce. this is a well-intentioned article, and the author was not necessarily being a tightwad. just saying. :P
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  • Posted by Erin Welch on November 10, 2009 at 12:32 PM
I'm glad someone brought this up! As an atheist, I've dated dudes with many different belief systems, and my current boyfriend doesn't agree with me religiously, but that is hardly a bad thing! It makes for such interesting conversations about the world around us.
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  • Posted by Erin Welch on November 10, 2009 at 12:29 PM
Yeah, that totally got me, too. It's a proble if the guy needs stimulus to jerk it? LOL really? Almost every guy I know admittedly uses porn, and that includes my delightful boyfriend.
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