GirlsGuideTo | A Rough Patch in a Relationship... What Does it Mean?

Me and my boyfriend have now been dating 5 months, we've been in relationships before, even as "just friends" we were techinically acting like boyfriend and girlfriend.

Over the last month, we have hit a rough spot where any little thing can set us off into a full blown argument. I mean I understand that maybe we are both overreacting to something small. I mean, our last argument was because he was working on the day of the week we consider "our day". I believe we are both very stubborn and can be slightly self-centered. I am not saying that the rough patch will always be there and I know that all couples do have their arguments.

However, we've both found it's putting a strain on our emotions. After every argument we make up straight away, with the same "mushy comments". However, this isn't about the rought patch itself but more about the time period it will last.

I have a theory though, as soon as some of our friends stepped in with comments which were seen as slightly harsh at the time, about out relationship in public being a bit too "full on". The problems began the minute we tried to cool down the kissing and hugging in public, which in our eyes wasn't that bad. I guess change really does rock a relationship.

I really do love him with every ounce of my heart, never would I imagine life without him and I am really determined to get out of this difficult stage. I don't like the constant tension between us, we're best friends as well as lovers which all in all should mean, that we can be friends even if our relationship is rocky, but sacastic comments lead to manipulative words. It's all a bit nasty in all honesty. Although I will back down if it gets too extreme, I mean, I love him so much, my mouth isn't going to let me lose the best thing that's happened to me.

I believe we are coming out of this period, but I was wondering, whether it is bad that we have had this rocky stage and if shows anything about our future together? I mean that is really what I want -- a foreverness with the my true love.

Comments

Posted by Winnie on October 6, 2009 at 1:54 PM

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Every couple fights. Its imposible to not fight. But you both need to learn how to pick your battles. Is it really worth fighting over 'your day' when he had to go to work? Sure he could have spent time with you after he was done, but maybe he was just tired. Theres always next week/month/whatever. If anything, you can always reschedual. You get your day with him and he gets a nice little break. : )

Posted by Melissa Gibbons on October 5, 2009 at 10:41 PM

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I actually have something similar.. yet different.
I am separated from my husband and didn't want a relationship.. but matt came into my life and it just kinda happened. I was always a step back, never really let him fully into my life or my heart, and he would bring me flowers or chocolates, gifts, etc. I loved the attention and the fact that he really really liked me but felt bad i wasn't putting all of myself into it because of my past. Well, time has gone by now and we've been together almost 6 months, my walls are down and i'm in the relationship 100%, i really love him and he loves me and it's great.

Yet, i've noticed since i have let go of so much in my life and gave myself the green light to be with him he's less touchy feely, less mushy. i'm the one pouring on the mush and the texts every day with hearts and smiles.. i barely get anything back.. if i do it's not how it used to be just a few weeks ago.

i told him about how i felt on saturday and it started a full blown argument that nothing was wrong at all with him and i'm being paranoid and insecure.

Today was monday, back to work and i was waiting for my normal "Good morning baby, i love you" text. i didn't get it. instead i got a picture of something funny he was walking past with his cell phone.. and i never once got an i love u until late in the day when i wrote "i haven't heard it all day, so i'll start.. " his response was. oh sorry. i love you too.

what am i doing wrong? is it because i'm so into him now 100% that he's less into us? he was begging me and trying to get me to be 100% into our relationship for months and now i'm there but hes being different.. and hes saying i'm insecure.

What should i be worried about? what am i doing wrong? advice for this weekend?

Posted by Lisa Taylor on October 4, 2009 at 9:01 PM

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no friendship or relationship is complete without the downs to counter-act the ups ;)

Posted by Cara Candell on October 1, 2009 at 6:30 PM

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Every relationship hits a rocky point and it is true that arguing brings you closer in a sense of understanding eachother and how the other person feels, thinks, etc. However, the determining factor of fights and the success of a relationship is HOW you fight, not necessarily how often. If you are both yelling, interrupting/talking over eachother, or especially if you make belittling remarks/comments to eachother during the fight then it will get you nowhere and will doom the relationship. It sounds like you do manage to make up and that you try to be aware of when things may be getting too heated (that's good to be able to step back to allow space for both of you). As for what you fight about, the phrase is true, "pick your battles." It's easier said than done especially if you are already irritated, but arguing over the correct way to place the toilet paper roll on the holder is one fight which you should just skip. If you know a pending arguement is ridiculous then just don't go there. Communication is key and so long as you both argue in a respectable manner (hearing eachother out, no yelling, no insults) and being more choosey with what you argue over then you should do fine. Good luck :)

Posted by Anonymous on October 1, 2009 at 2:28 PM

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everyone goes through rough patches. just recently my boyfriend and i went through a really bad one, but because we knew the reason behind it (things that were lied about, problems with family, etc) things got resolved, which definitely helped our rough patch. now, we rarely ever argue (mostly becaues the things we argued or fought about were those things) or if we do, its usually something so small and insignificant we end up laughing it off in the end. as for the p.d.a. thing, i don't think that should matter. if it's a problem for your friends, then maybe those friends who brought up the issue you should be careful around. it sounds to me like that was something you felt was important. i feel like, as long as you're not full out making out (sucking each other's faces off) and groping in public, kissing and hugging is not a problem. maybe even talk to your friends about it and find out what makes them so uncomfortable. me, personally, i am not a pda person. my boyfriend isn't either. we'll hug or give small kisses in public but nothing further than that. :) i hope this helped :D

Posted by Jessica Amero on October 1, 2009 at 2:12 PM

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That is great advice. Sometimes you get really caught up in the moment and take it farther than it needs to go.

What my husband and I sometimes do is use our livejournal accounts to 'speak' about the problem. It helps being able to write it out, because you have to think about what you're saying, instead of just letting the words flow, without putting a lot of thought into it. Plus when you're reading their response, you'd had, hopefully, enough time to cool down and be logical.

Picking your battles is also a good idea. Sometimes there are things that piss you off, that just aren't worth the fight, or the energy you put into being mad about it.

Posted by Roseanne Bowes on October 1, 2009 at 2:03 PM

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i think this rough patch is exactly that just a patch, it was probably cause by other people telling you both to cool down in public. me and my bf had quite a long rough patch before because of other people interfering in our relationship. we got through it because we truely love each other, it sounds like you really love each other. dont worry about the rough patch it will get better and you will be a stronger couple because you have worked through it and not let it affect your relationship.
i wish you the best of luck for the future.

Posted by Noel Hollis on October 1, 2009 at 1:59 PM

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First, tell him how much you love him, when you're not making up after an argument. It's important that you don't' leave the nice comments for after the arguments all the time. Second, when you get mad, say something like "I need a few minutes to think about this, can I have 10 minutes of quiet/alone time." Or even just 30 seconds, re-evaluate the situation, because sometimes, it's not even worth it. If it is worth it, you want to approach it with a cool, calm head, not that frazzled mad feeling that guys are so good at making us feel.