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How to Prevent Him From Cheating*

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Posted by Jenn Clark on October 5, 2011 at 4:38 PM

(*As much as humanly possible) If you've been cheated on once, I can't imagine you'd want it to happen to you again.  And yes, there are things you can do to minimize the chances.  Unless he's a total heartless jerk, men are less likely to stray if they're in a relationship where their needs are being met.  And if, in his eyes, every other woman pales in comparison, he's much more hesitant to lose you.  So here are the ways to maximize your chances of enjoying a TRULY exclusive relationship: 

Pick your men carefully.  There are some guys who are just safer bets than others when it comes to fidelity.  I don't necessarily subscribe to the whole "you're only as faithful as your options" way of thinking.  Almost every guy has some sort of "options" - there's always a girl who'd be willing to "go there" with your man.  But let's face it, certain types of men are less likely to be faithful.  Players, commitment-phobes, egomaniacs and men who have a solid history of cheating are risky gambles.  As are guys who lack a strong moral code or who believe life's rules don't apply to them.  And if he acts like he's single when he's with you (flirting with or checking out other women), you can bet he acts like he's single when you're not around.  This is why it's so very important that you check out his character before you let yourself fall for him.  Is he a man of his word?  Does he do what he says he will do?  Does he treat others with respect and integrity?  If he can't keep small promises, he won't be able to keep big ones.

Don't push him into a commitment.  Men should always be the ones to secure an exclusive relationship.  They've got to do it on their time and when they are ready - usually after 3 months of dating.  But more often than not, we women are ready for a commitment after 3 minutes.  And how many of us have felt the need to have "the talk" much too soon?  This is often a recipe for disaster.  Just like he's the one who asks for your hand in marriage, he should also be the one to ask you to be with him and him alone.  A lot of guys will acquiesce to a woman's wish for monogamy because he likes her and doesn't want to lose her.  Great.  But what you really want is a guy who is so crazy about you that the thought of you with another makes him miserable.  When a man works to win a woman's heart, he becomes much less likely to throw it all away for a meaningless fling.  (To find out how to get him to commit, be sure to read my article "From casually dating to totally committed.")

Don't take away his freedom.  The #1 thing that makes men reluctant to be (or stay) committed is the fear of losing their freedom.  They want to maintain their independence and "guy activities" and shudder at the thought of spending Sundays at the mall instead of on the couch watching football.  This is why you've got to let him do his thing, not intrude on "guy time" and maintain your own life and interests besides him.  If you try to keep him on a short leash, he's going to want to pull away.

Trust him.  Living in fear or accusing a man of infidelity without cause is a big time no-no.  Think about it.  Would you want a boyfriend who never wanted you to go out with friends, asked you to call hourly to "check in" or was always thinking you were up to no good?  Would you want him looking at your texts or snooping in your personal space?  I doubt it.  And yet women engage in this type of behavior all the time.  Acting as if you don't trust him can actually encourage him to prove you right.  Let me give you this hypothetical:  Imagine you hear that one of his friends is cheating on his girlfriend.  Don't say "you better never pull that crap with me" or "all men are cheating scum."  Instead, say "I'm so thankful I have a guy I trust."  If you show you have faith in him, he's much more likely to want to honor that faith.  So unless he shows himself to be untrustworthy, show him that you trust him.

Treat him like he's your hero.  A man needs to believe that his woman respects and admires him.  When he is able to keep you happy, he is happy.  This feeds his ego and makes him feel like a stud.  Bitching at him, nagging or pointing out all his faults tears him down.  Learn to let the little things go.  If he treats you well, who cares if he uses a salad fork on his steak?  If he brings home 9 out of 10 things on the grocery list, thank him, keep your mouth shut about the missing item and pick it up yourself the next day.  See the bigger picture and focus on all the wonderful things about him.  Praise him, encourage him and let him know how wonderful you think he is.  Appreciate him and tell him he's the best.  (And if he's not great, you've gotta ask yourself if you really want to be with him anyway.)  If you consistently knock a man down, it won't be long before he's looking for someone to build him back up.

Keep him satisfied.  Guess what else makes him feel like a stud?  Sex.  (Shocker.)  So once you are in a committed relationship (this may mean marriage for my "no sex before the wedding night" readers), you need to see to it that he's getting it often and he's getting it good.  Let me explain:  If he's like 99.9% of men, he needs sex.  I'm no biologist (or would it be physiologist?), but I'm pretty sure this is a scientific fact.  And not only does he want/need it regularly, he also wants/needs you to be into it.  If you act like sex is a chore or like you'd rather be doing anything but THAT, he's not going to feel so great.  In fact, it's a major buzz kill for him.  Guys need to feel that their lady enjoys having sex with them and is open to reasonable experimentation.  Since I rarely get "nasty," give me a little leeway as I elaborate... 

I know a guy who cheats on his girlfriend semi-regularly.  He claims she refuses to go "downtown" on him because she thinks it's gross.  As you'd imagine, every time he cheats he does it by getting a BJ from another woman.  I'm not condoning his behavior - he's an idiot and he should break up with his girlfriend if not getting hummers is a dealbreaker for him - but I can't imagine her telling him (essentially) that she thinks his penis is gross, makes him feel very good.  Of course everyone has to have boundaries of what they will and will not do.  (Side note:  It is my opinion that if either one of you thinks a threesome would be cool, your relationship may have some serious issues.  If you are really in love, "sharing" is not an option.)  But if you are reluctant to enjoy sex or to experiment with it because you think "nice girls don't," think again, sister.  Nice girls DO.  But they ONLY do it with that special guy who cherishes them and protects their heart.  Having a frequent and vibrant sex life not only keeps his hunger satisfied, it's also a good barometer of how healthy your relationship is.  If everything else is working, the sex is usually amazing.

All this being said, don't think for a second that if he cheats, it's your fault.  It's not.  It's his.  No matter what prompted it (be it problems in your relationship or the mere fact that he's an a-hole), it is much more about him than you.  As I've said over and over, a real man would deal with problems and/or end things before he strays.  Even so, I know without a doubt that employing these "rules" will cause him to believe he's got the greatest woman ever.  Which will make both of you pretty damn happy and your entire relationship that much stronger.

Part 2 of Cheating Series... And if you want to read more amazing articles like this one -- become a fan of Jenn Clark at www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle.

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Ditto, Christine. Love shouldn't be a chore
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  • Posted by Anonymous on September 16, 2011 at 7:06 AM
Totally agree with Christine! I have heard the same things from my guy friends and think this is really good advice for those of us IN a healthy relationship.
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  • Posted by CC on September 15, 2011 at 8:51 PM
@Lauren
I think what she means is that you can do these things with a man that you WANT to do those things with. This isn't an article on how to make someone fall in love with you. It's not an article saying that you have to be his bitch. This is an article on compromise to maintain a healthy relationship! It's not telling you what to do; besides, a healthy relationship involves trust and safteu. If you don't have that, maybe you're not IN a healthy relationship. This article is giving advice for those in a healthy relationship.
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I know I'm gonna get crucified for this, but... Yes. And yes. And in case you haven't gotten it yet, YES. We'll celebrate our 25th in March, and those are *exactly* the things I did. And the best part is that we're closer than we ever were... kids leaving the nest can be a great thing, let me tell you. ;P
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So essentially, let him do whatever he wants and let him decide everything? No, that's not how a relationship works. And you're also telling girls to give a guy sex regardless of whether she wants it or not? Because that's healthy (not)!!! Any decent man won't need you to be his personal bitch just to make him stay. He'll want to make you happy too!
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