GirlsGuideTo | Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

Ok, I know that’s the title of Mindy Kaling’s super funny book, but I think we can all agree, it’s a thought that runs through our minds pretty often. FOMO, the fear of missing out coined by this Women’s Health article, is sometimes a great motivator. We don’t want to isolate ourselves, so this fear can help us stay connected to our friends and fill our social calendars weekend after weekend. But sometimes it can go overboard. Instead of feeling good about he plans we have made we are worrying about what others are doing. Stressing about what else we could be doing. Second-guessing the invites we've declined. If YOLO, how can you possibly do it all?

And it’s driving us crazy.

The urge to be everywhere at once is not a new phenomenon. Sarah Miller writes for Women’s Health: At its root, the phenomenon is a healthy response to variety and choice. But with today's nearly infinite options, it has morphed into something far more complex. Now, FOMO (which nearly 70 percent of adults experience, according to a survey done by marketing communications firm JWT) can feel like an uncontrollable yearning to be two or more places at once, fueled by the fear that missing out on something could put a dent in your happiness, status, or career. "FOMO happens when we invalidate the experience we're having because we're obsessed with the ones we're not having," says psychologist Arnie Kozak, Ph.D., author of Wild Chickens and Petty Tyrants: 108 Metaphors for Mindfulness.

And social media is kerosene on FOMO's fire. Before Facebook, a phone call from a friend might have made you wonder why you passed up ski-bumming in Vail last year or leaving cube life to teach English in Vietnam. But now that you can see your friends' lives anytime and anywhere, you are theoretically always missing something—a party, a trip, a new career opportunity.

Most of us can deal with it through a little whining and sarcasm (see: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?). But for ladies who want to be everywhere at once, it can be a nightmare. It wears you out physically and takes a serious emotional toll, in the form of uncertainty, regret, or envy, says psychologist Sherry Turkle, Ph.D., of the Initiative on Technology and Self at MIT.

We all know what those emotions lead to. Resentment. Dissatisfaction. Anxiety. Unworthiness. And these, in turn, can turn you into a crazy person that has become all too recognizable online. Don’t believe me? Example: You are out with your girls on a Friday night, grabbing drinks and dinner before seeing a movie and hitting up some bars later. During the movie you get super tired, because it’s Friday and you work hard. So you decide to head home to hang with your boy and relax instead of barhopping. You get home and see pics and status updates blowing up your news feed. You immediately regret coming home, even though you know it was what you really wanted and needed to do. So what do you do? “Enjoying a glass of wine and a shoulder massage from the best boyfriend ever. So in love!”

Essentially, you post something as a way of showing my social circle (and, of course, myself) that I don't need to be at some bar to be fabulous. If I can't be there having fun, the thinking goes, I'll show I'm having more fun right here.

"FOMO prompts people to use social media to present enviable versions of themselves," says Turkle, and this behavior can seriously mess with your head: "One of the weirdest things about FOMO is that people find it hard to live up to not only the images projected by others but also the image they've presented of themselves."

When Envy Works

Herein lies the upside of FOMO, explains Ann Mack, director of trend spotting for JWT. "It can be very motivating," she says. "It can keep us connected to other people and ideas."

But how can you reap the benefits without also ending up in an irrational self-validating cycle? First, remember you're seeing only the best parts of people's lives online. Then try to turn your darker instincts around: Instead of belittling yourself for being boring or left behind, use your FOMO as a catalyst to set realistic goals (an adventurous trip, an action-packed girls' night). You can use what other people are doing as inspiration. Just leave out the 'I'm not doing that now, so I must be defective' part.

It also helps to reframe the way you think about missing something. Instead of thinking, I'm not going to the party and I'm going to miss all the fun,try,I'm not going to the party because I'm hanging out with my brother. Having a "yes" alternative (and acknowledging you made a conscious choice) prevents you from feeling like, Ugh, I'm totally missing out.

Degrees of FOMO
Not all sufferers are created equal. Find out if you're an optimizer or a satisficer.

First coined by economic social scientist Herbert A. Simon, the terms optimizer and satisficer have been adopted by sociologists to describe how everyday people tackle everyday choices.

Optimizers

If you're constantly maneuvering to find the best possible angle or outcome behind any choice (you find the cutest little black dress but still rush from store to store looking for one that's even cuter), you're an optimizer. "Optimizers are not satisfied with 'good enough,'" explains psychologist Arnie Kozak, Ph.D., which can lead these people to professional success, but can also make them extremely vulnerable to FOMO. No matter what optimizers are doing, they may think they're missing something better (and they often never find a fulfilling outcome).

Satisficers

If, on the other hand, you take the first attractive option (that LBD is just great, thanks) and move on, you're a satisficer. Such people spend less time worrying and have way less FOMO, says Kozak. Yes, they sometimes settle for things that aren't quite the best, but they feel confident in their choices. Their easier decision-making might lead to a more joyful life.

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The girls of GirlsGuideTo…TV have a lot to say about social media and its role in how you feel about yourself on tomorrow’s brand new episode, all about beauty! Be sure to subscribe to theGirlsGuideTo channelso you don’t miss the conversation…and if you just can’t wait, check out a little teaserhere!

{Adapted from: Women's Health}