Men’s Laughable Sex Advice: “Do It or Screw It”
Posted by Girls Guide To on June 1, 2012 at 4:32 PM
Women’s magazines are full of sex advice that are sometimes kinda funny. And probably not very realistic, am I right? But what about men’s magazines? Are their nuggets of relationship and sex advice also bordering on the ridiculous? In short: Yes. One of the Men’s Health bloggers went through their site and found some of the crazy tips they give out and I just had to share her thoughts! As she says, all women are different, so what works for one won’t work for another. Would any of these work for you?
1. The MH Advice: Drive a stick shift. “Men look ineffectual driving automatics.”
The reality: I don’t care what kind of car you drive, assuming you don’t have to brush a week’s worth of fast food wrappers off the passenger seat for me. As long as you take some pride in your ride, it’s okay. The only stick I care about is the one in your pants. Learn how to shift that and we’ll be set. Vroom vroom.
2. The MH Advice: In the shadowy corner of a swanky lounge, “Invite her to sit on your lap sideways with her legs crossed. Slide your hand under her butt and between her thighs. It’s a tight fit, but apply slow, pulsing pressure to her clitoris or just above to get the blood flowing. Achieving orgasm is a long shot, but being touched intimately in a crowded bar, with music blasting, a cold beer in hand, and your warm breath on the back of her neck, is a thrill that lasts—and will continue at home.”
The reality: I get how the thought of this could be exciting, but the last thing I want in a crowded bar—no matter how dark it is—is your finger up my unit. Trust me, coming on too strong is a turn off. And applying pressure on her. . . umm . . . in a bar . . . with people all around . . . is a little strong. [I agree.] Instead, show her you have some self-control. Whisper something in her ear, and if she agrees, have her sit on your lap in the dark privacy of the back seat of your car instead.
3. The MH Advice: Never be a wallflower at the club.
The reality: Some girls aren’t all about the guy shaking his junk on the dance floor. Honestly, I know a ton of hot, cool girls who are wallflowers, myself included, and that doesn’t make me a loser. If you are a wallflower, capitalize on what you can bring to the table: a killer smile, open body language (don’t cross your arms), a sense of humor, and confidence.
4. The MH Advice: Sexy statements, like “I’m going to take these off,” turn her on.
The reality: Play by play can get annoying. What’s next? “I am going to kiss the quadrant of your upper thigh now”? Zip it. And just take them off. If I want you to keep them on, I’ll stop you.
5. The MH Advice: Have an attractive wing woman. The hotter, the better.
The reality: Wait, you’re going to bring a hot girl to the bar to try to help you pick up hot girls? Right, because that will make me walk right up to you! If you’re hanging with another girl, hot or not, I’m going to assume one of you has feelings for the other and to steer clear. And let’s be honest: If you have a hot wing woman, you likely do have feelings for her.
6. The MH Advice: Mow the lawn in jeans and no shirt so I can play desperate housewife from the window.
The reality: Yep, and we’ll do the dishes in our panties too. If you’ve got a body worthy of showing off shirtless, meet me on the same side of that window and we’ll take our shirts off together, mmmk?
7. The MH Advice: Kiss me in front of your friends or coworkers and slip me the tiniest bit of tongue. They’ll think we have a smokin’ sex life.
The reality: Try that and I’ll whip out our behind-closed-door nicknames. Got it, Mr. Snuggles?
8. The MH Advice: “There are always red flags when a relationship is ended.”
The reality: Sometimes, there are no red flags. Some guys are fighting demons that even a five-star girlfriend can’t slay for them. So own your issues. These are your problems, not hers. It’s not fair to let them screw up her life too.
Do you agree with these? Or would they work on you?