OMG: Watch Out for these Clandestine Classics

Thanks to the popularity of 50 Shades of Gray, it seems publishers and marketers think we can’t get enough of the “mommy porn.” And maybe it’s true. But I’m not sure we needed this…a company called Total-E-Books will publish a series of classic novels with the addition of new sex scenes. Yes. Now you’ll finally be able to know what it would have been like for Elizabeth Bennett to get it on with Mr. Darcy. The series of ebooks called “Clandestine Classics” includes tales of Sherlock and Watson's gay love affair; Jane Eyre's sexual submissiveness; and Mr. Darcy's naughty attempts to screw Elizabeth Bennett in the meadow.

The publisher touts: "The old-fashioned pleasantries and timidity have all been stripped away, quite literally. You didn’t really think that these much-loved characters only held hands and pecked cheeks, did you? Come with us as we embark on a breathtaking experience -- behind the closed bedroom doors of our favorite, most-beloved British characters. Learn what Sherlock really thought of Watson, what Mr. Darcy really wanted to do to Miss Elizabeth Bennet, and unveil the sexy escapades of Mr. Rochester and Jane Eyre. We’ll show you the scenes that you always wanted to see but were never allowed."

Here are some of the guilty pleasure excerpts via total-e-bound.com. I swear, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

Sherlock Holmes: A Study in Scarlet
In "Sherlock Holmes," Along with Holmes, Watson throws himself into finding the killer, but also finds himself. As Watson reveals more of his desires to his lover, Holmes does his utmost to make sure those desires are met. In a heady time where Watson is thrust into a horrifying murder case, the love he feels for Holmes, and the sexual experiences they share, help him to remain level-headed until the killer is caught.

Wow. Just wow.

Northanger Abbey
"Northanger Abbey" delivers the tale of Catherine Morland and Henry Tilney's secret nighttime trysts — "[a] world where sex knows no boundaries and even her deepest, most secret fantasies, can be played out behind closed doors."

Pride and Prejudice
In "Pride and Prejudice" Elizabeth Bennett is at first turned off by Mr. Darcy's arrogance. But "sexual tension soon leads to an unexpected kiss and Elizabeth’s world is turned upside down." (Read: they have sex outside.)

Not gonna lie, this one makes me sad. Can we just leave Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy be? They are wonderful to begin with…don’t ruin a good thing!

Jane Eyre
"Jane Eyre" comes with steamy scenes about Jane's sexual submission to Mr. Rochester, "her one and true master."

I hate to admit it, but this one makes sense. I can totally see the S&M…

Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea (Really? This needed to be sexed up?)

In "Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea," Professor Pierre Aronnax ends up a hostage alongside harpooner Ned Land, "a sexy and temperamental harpooner who has his sights set on the Professor." A harpooner. LOL!

Our verdict: OMG. This is just funny. Is it just like professional fan fiction? I would have loved to see the publishing house approach these authors…”So, we want you to take a Sherlock Holmes story and make him and Watson gay. Can you do that?”

Will you buy one of these books? Any of them in particular that really interest you? I’ll bet that Pride and Prejudice and Jane Eyre will be their bestsellers…

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