Relationship Killers: 9 Phrases to Cut Out Now
Posted by Girls Guide To on May 7, 2012 at 10:13 PM
It happens to the best of us. You and your guy start arguing and it turns heated. Things are said that you regret in the morning. Here are 9 common phrases you should nix now to save your relationship. Are these communication killers part of your vocab when dealing with the love of your life? Remove these fighting words from your love lingo and you’ll reap the rewards.
"Then maybe we shouldn't be together!"
Anyone who says something like this just may fulfill that exact prophecy. You wouldn’t tell your boss you’re quitting your job unless you meant it, would you? But sometimes, in a relationship, we’re tempted to pull out the doomsday option just to get our partners off our backs: “If you don’t like the way I load the dishwasher, then you’ll never understand me! We should just break up!”
Save breakup talk for when you truly want to end a relationship, not as a rhetorical weapon. Otherwise, you risk your match taking you up on the offer and leaving you crying over your friends Ben and Jerry.
"You know, (insert ex name here) never would have done that!"
Comparing your current boyfriend to a past one is always a horrible, no-good idea -- especially when you say it out loud! We all have exes that have taught us what we do and don’t like in relationships. But the person you’re with now wants to feel special, not like the sequel to a bad rom com. Don’t make it sound as though you’re still hung up on the past. Tell your current love specifically how you feel and what you want, but in the context of the present. There's a reason you aren't with your ex anymore -- so keep that in mind.
"I'm too tired to help you with that."
Trust me, I know you’re not lying – you probably are exhausted from rushing around and dealing with your boss all day. But we all work hard and this is the lamest excuse in the book. Remember, the guy you love is probably as exhausted as you, and even if he’s not, he shouldn’t have to pick up your dirty socks, move a couch by himself, or cook dinner and do the dishes just because you did a little work. And the same goes for you! You should expect help too. If you’re really tired, ask to trade or defer chores. Or better yet, just do whatever it is eagerly and quickly, so you can have time to relax and enjoy each other’s company.
"Well, you left that dirty dish in the sink two weeks ago!"
Have you ever complained to your honey that he forgot to do something, and instead of apologizing he brought up something slightly similar that you once did? Everyone makes mistakes, but small infractions done long ago are not hooks to hang your hat on when you want to avoid blame for something you’re doing now. “You forgot to feed the dog five months ago!” is no excuse for forgetting to feed the cat today, and bringing up past problems simply leads to an escalation of blame and hurt. It's also just lame!
"It used to be much more exciting in the bedroom."
You were hoping for fireworks – but lately your sweetie is a sparkler at best. Though you may be frustrated, the worst thing you can do in the moment is to ridicule or insult your guy for his romantic performance. In the bedroom, we all are at our most vulnerable, so angry words take on an especially hurtful tone.
If you want to heat things up, positive reinforcement yields better results than negative comments. “I’d love it if we could stay in this position” works a lot better than “That’s not working!”
"This is the way I am, and I am never going to change."
On the one hand, it’s not a good idea to get into a relationship with the intention of changing someone. But on the other hand, people naturally change as they grow older, often getting better at time management, organization, and social interactions. If one of you is growing and changing and the other is staying stagnant, that’s a big problem. Claiming that you’re allowed to go drinking every night or your guy leaving the toilet seat up because that’s what he did when the two of you started dating is effectively saying “I will never grow or change, so don’t invest any hopes in me.”
Rather than freezing your personality in time, address the issue at hand. Come to the table with some things you feel you can change. Then give logical, personal reasons why you prefer to stay the same about other things. And respect what your partner brings to the table too.
With all the relationship-killing things you can say, it may be the most tempting to say nothing at all (and I think one we’re most guilty of). But talking and interacting with the other person is your principal job in a relationship!
If you’re not truly listening to your partner, and not expressing yourself – if you’re always saying “fine” or “no problem” – then your issues will never work their way toward resolution, and your partner won’t be able to feel close to you. If you stifle conversation, you’ll suffocate intimacy as well, and soon find your relationship breathing its last gasps.
"You are not allowed to..."
"Wear that shirt anymore...or...talk to that girl again." A controlling relationship is an unhappy one. We are not here to tell our partners what to do (they already have a mother!), but to enhance their lives in a positive way. A critical, controlling tone will quickly put a damper on your partner's spirit, to the point where they may look for a way out. And rightly so. If you tend to be controlling, work on it - and figure out why.
"Do as I say, not as I do."
It’s hard to come home and find that the kitchen is a mess, but…when was the last time you took out the garbage? If you’re going to criticize your significant other for something they’re neglecting to do, it had better be something you do fairly consistently. Otherwise you’ll come off as a nag who wants the rest of the world to get busy while you put your feet up. Nobody likes a hypocrite - so the next time you get ready to go on a verbal rampage...take a step back and really think about it, first.
Do you find yourself saying any of these? Did you have an ex who said these to you?