The Ten Guys To Run From!
Posted by Jenn Clark on June 14, 2012 at 4:13 PM
Trust me, I’ve been around the block enough to know it’s not always easy to spot a “bad guy.” Most of them – when you first meet - look normal, talk normal, and even act normal. They’ll hold the door open for you, chew with their mouths closed, and happily buy you a nice dinner. It may take a bit before the horns, pitchfork, and tail begin to reveal themselves. And let’s just call it out: Women tend to overlook some obvious types of “bad guys,” usually because we either only see what we want to see or because we desperately want to believe we’ll be that one woman who will change them. Oh jeez. This is a sure-fire recipe for relationship disaster. So as you go about the business of meeting your soulmate, let’s explore the ten most common types of men women should avoid. No matter what.
1. The Checkered Past Guy
I love the saying “the past is prologue.” Very often who a person was, is who they are, and who they will be. People don’t really change that much. I’m not suggesting that a man has to be perfect or live in a house with a skeleton-free closet. If he’s over the age of 12, good luck finding that, sister! And as someone who’s made her fair share of mistakes, I’m all about second (and third and fourth and fifteenth) chances. What I’m talking about is the guy who unapologetically flaunts every bad thing he’s ever done within five seconds of knowing you. He’s the one who, on the first date, will tell you about the various women he slept with and how he cheated on his last girlfriend with the entire staff of “Crazy Girls.” He’ll probably add, “But that was a long time ago,” just so you don’t run from the dinner table screaming. Yah riiiight, buddy. If your new guy admits his every flaw without getting to know you a bit first, he’s subconsciously telling you, “I’m a ‘bad guy.’ Stay away.” If you accept all of this and tell him it’s all OK, part of him will wonder what’s wrong with you that you’d accept such a loser. A good guy won’t be perfect. But he’ll take a bit to show you his mistakes and flaws. He will not wear them like a badge of honor.
2. The Player
There are two types of “players” out there: The former player who is now looking to settle down, and the perennial player who has no intention of settling down. Ever. The former is not necessarily a “bad guy.” He’s sown his oats and is tired of the game. He’s looking for stability and a woman he can relax with. Here’s the rub: If you are aware of his past, it can be very difficult to distinguish between the two. I have a theory you might find useful when confronted with a “player guy.” I believe that the player who will eventually be a decent partner truly loves women. And that guy who will always be a cheating, manipulating sack o’ shit? He secretly despises them.
Don’t pay too much attention to what he says. The “bad guy” will lie without hesitation. He’ll tell you what you want to hear - that he’s tired of being single, that he wants a relationship. This, my dear, is utter B.S., so don’t get sucked in. Instead, look at his actions. Does he make you feel insecure or bad about yourself when you’re around him? Does he constantly check out other women and/or comment on them in your presence? Does he do things that degrade you such as talking to you as if you’re a little girl or feeding you directly off his fork? If so, RUN. This guy is bad news. The reformed player is a different story. If you meet one of those, more than likely he won’t even mention his “past.” Mostly because he doesn’t want to scare you off.
3. The Not Over His Ex Guy
Oh man, how bad is this guy? It’s been my experience that every man has one woman in his life who devastated him/broke his heart/got away. And woe to the woman who steps onto his path before he’s fully over her. She will never, can’t ever, live up to the image of the near perfect GODDESS who crushed him. I’ve found that most guys will talk about this pretty openly. Watch carefully when he tells you about her. If he says, “Yeah, she broke my heart,” and tears start to form in his eyes, it’s not because he’s sweet and sensitive. It’s because he’s not over her yet.
I suggest you quickly thank him for dinner/the movie/etc, grab your handbag, and make your way to the nearest emergency exit. Don’t worry about the sirens going off - they’ll be a signal to all the other ladies within his reach that he ain’t ready for nobody else.
4. The Joker
It’s not a huge shocker that most women want a man who makes them laugh. As we all know, having a good sense of humor is one of the most coveted traits in a mate. Where you need to be careful is what he thinks is funny. If his “jokes” are at your expense and are hurtful, that just isn’t cool. I read somewhere that if a man is super sarcastic with a woman right away, he’s not trying to impress her. Personally, I’m down with a bit o’ sarcasm. I like it when my guy and I can tease each other in a good-hearted way. But if it crosses the line and makes you feel bad, let him know. If he’s a good guy and truly cares about you, he’ll check himself. If he does it again, dump him. He’s using his “sense of humor” to be hurtful. And that’s never a laughing matter.
5. The Freight Train
Oh, how I love this one. He’s a lot of fun, isn’t he? At least at first. He’s the guy who will move in on you faster than a speeding bullet. He’ll want to spend every free moment he can with you. He’ll call multiple times a day. He’ll start talking about a future together before you’ve even gone out on your first date. And, chances are, you’ll end up sleeping with him before you know how to spell his last name. (“Really? You spell ‘Smith’ ‘S-M-Y-T-H-E?’ I had no idea…”). I also like to call this one “The Insta-boyfriend” and 99 times out of 100, he’s full of crap.
He’s the type of guy who loves the chase, has no appreciation for delayed gratification, and will most likely vanish as soon as you “casually” mention how you need a date for your cousin’s wedding. Talk about a ghost train… So when you hear the “Whoot! Whoot!” of his whistle blown’ as he’s comin’ ‘round the track, see if you can’t get him to slow down a bit. If he refuses to linger at your station until you feel safe enough to board, let him go. Rest assured he would have moved along anyway, dropping you off at his next stop and picking up another passenger before you’d even stepped down onto the platform.
6. The Married Guy
When the women I talk to open up, I mean REALLY open up, I’ve been stunned at how many have fallen prey to the charms of this most dangerous of all bad guys. Don’t be naive or righteous, sweet sister, any woman, given the right set of circumstances, can become his victim. Why? Because he’s good. Real good. If a toxic, single guy can smell a woman’s vulnerability a county away, a married man can smell it from an entirely different continent. Perhaps you’ve gone through a terrible breakup or are in an unhappy relationship yourself. This slimy snake can tell. At first he’ll just test the waters. “Wow. Your boyfriend/husband/etc is the luckiest guy in the world to have YOU.” And when you respond with a shrug and a sigh, he’ll know you feel lonely, unloved, and taken for granted. After that, it’s “game on.”
I’ve heard it said that a married man will pursue a woman harder and more intensely than she’s ever experienced before. Duh! They’re married. They know if they treated us like the single jerks do, we wouldn’t give them the time of day. They will say things like “I’m falling in love with you” and “You’re the woman I should have married.” They’ll send you love notes, play songs they say reminds them of you, and tell you that you’re the most beautiful woman they’ve ever seen. You will begin to feel sorry for this poor, romantic, love-starved man. What a cold bitch his wife must be! He deserves so much better! And if the perfect storm exists - his overwhelming need for fulfillment outside of his marriage + your need for validation and love + intense attraction + opportunity - watch out! You’ll believe his lies, envision a future with him, and more than likely will fall completely in love.
Poor girl. I hate to tell you this, but you are not different. Your love isn’t “special.” You are NOT the exception to the rule. Here are the three things that will happen: (1) He will NOT leave his wife for you. And if he does (which he won’t) or if his wife finds out and leaves him (which she most likely won’t), (2) you’ll suddenly turn into the bitch who made him leave his family and lose half of his stuff (and 90% of the time your relationship is doomed) or (3) you’ll become the vehicle he used to realize he wanted out of his marriage. Think of yourself as a rental car he used to get from point A to point B. No one ends up purchasing their rental car at the end of the trip. It’s not even an option in the contract. I know several men who fall into one of these three categories of married cheaters. I know of NONE who married their mistresses and lived happily ever after. To think that’s possible is to believe a dating fairy tale. So here’s the moral of the story: Avoid the married man at all costs! ‘Nuff said.
7. “The Prematurely Loving Guy
Eeeeewwww! This one is just plain icky. He’s the guy who uses terms of endearment like “baby,” “beautiful,” and “honey” within five minutes of knowing you. Here's the deal: He does it because it’s what he thinks women will respond to. If you are even slightly tempted to think you’re the only female he talks to in this way, let me assure you that you are not. We women all dream of a loving man who will truly believe that we are beautiful and shower us with affectionate nicknames. If he’s remotely worth his weight in salt, and he’s authentically crazy about you, he’ll wait a bit before he shows you this side of himself. Anything else is false intimacy and he’s attempting to manipulate you. Which is just plain creepy.
8. The Emotionally Needy Guy
Every man needs a bit of reassurance that the woman he’s interested in likes him in return. And it’s your job to let him know he’s not wasting his time. This isn’t being emotionally needy. The type of guy I’m referring to here is the one who needs constant validation. He’s not doing it to make sure you like him. Nope. In fact, it has little to do with you. This guy is USING you to stroke his ego. He’ll say things like, “How do you feel about me?,” “Do you want to see me again?,” and “I wish I knew how much you liked me.”
A real man will tell you he enjoys your company and wants to see you again. And then he’ll wait (with his fingers crossed behind his back) for your positive feedback and encouragement. This is the type of guy you want. Do not confuse him with “The Emotionally Needy Guy.” All he wants is for you to prove yourself and your feelings to him. And if you don’t, or when he’s conquered you and gets bored, he’ll be off to the next girl who makes him feel good about himself.
9. The Mother Issues Guy
Oh, is this one ever tricky. And he comes in many shapes and sizes. There’s “The Too Much Mother Guy” and “The Not Enough Mother Guy.” We all know “The No Woman Will Live Up To My Perfect Mother Guy” and “The Every Woman Is Evil Because My Mother Was Evil Guy.” If only it were as simple as determining if he’s a “Mama’s Boy” or not! And this bad guy is only exposed after very careful examination and a thorough investigation of his family dynamics.
I’m pretty convinced that the number one biggest factor in determining how a man will treat a woman is based on how he views his mother. Look for a man who loves and respects his mother. BUT (and this is important), he should also have the ability to see her as she is -- imperfect and capable of making a mistake or two. Never get seriously involved with or marry a man who sees his mother as “flawless.” If there’s ever an issue between you and her, you’ll lose. Every time.
10. The Selfish Guy
Unless you are a masochist or have the patience of a saint, flee flee flee from this one. We’ve all experienced him. He’s the guy who thinks only of himself, who will always put his needs before yours (or will grumble whenever he does occasionally “compromise”), and will insist on having things his way. He may be selfish with his time, his emotions, and/or his money. He’ll want you to absorb into his life instead of working to co-create a balanced partnership with you. In addition, he may also have the constant need to be the center of attention. Great. You’ll end up being his little side-kick who’s along for the ride.
It amazes me how many people - men and women alike - are truly selfish. We all have a tendency to put ourselves and our feelings first, but one of the great joys of relationships is the opportunity to nurture and care for another person. Very few of us will tolerate selfishness in our friendships. So why do we accept it in our romantic relationships? If he’s not meeting your emotional needs, or if you’re giving more than you’re receiving, please do the following: Yell “NEXT!” at the top of your lungs and move the heck on.
There’s a life lesson I love that says, “Keep your head, heels, and standards high.” Its’ so true! I believe that every “good woman” is a treasure (as cliché as that sounds) - a unique and precious gem that deserves to be prized and esteemed. When we give ourselves to men who do not appreciate our value (aka “lowering our standards”), we always get hurt. So what’s a single gal to do? Here’s my advice: When you meet a man, don’t rush into anything. Instead, stop yourself and be sure to “look, listen, and learn.” Do all of this before you give him your heart. Eventually you’ll know all you need to determine if he’s worthy of you. And if he’s not, get the hell outta there.
Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” You can find it on her Facebook page:www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle
Or on amazon.com at the following link: http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step--Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/r