These Bitches Be CRAZY!

Here's a message for my male readers:  Guys, I don't envy you.  As I've gotten older and watched the way many of us ladies conduct ourselves with men, I've come to the same conclusion as many of you.  Women are nuts.  Or, at the very least, extremely difficult.  Lest my girls think that I have started playing for the other team, I can assure you I have not.  And you all know I am not above calling men out on their "bad behavior."  But, since we are all adults (we are all adults, right?), I think it's only fair for both sexes to take responsibility for the way we act in relationships.


Women are always wondering what turns men on, and conversely, what turns them OFF.  And this was a subject I was interested in exploring myself.  So I asked a bunch of men what types of women they found "unattractive."  I expected them to be hesitant.  ("Ummmm, I don't know.)  Or to speak in generalities.  ("Ugly ones.")  Neither happened.  Instead, I received countless emails written in great detail and usually listing 8 - 10 types of women who were a buzz kill.  Some of these guys practically penned a novel or, at the very least, a graduate studies thesis.


So, in order to give you male devils your due, and to educate my sisters out there, here are the top ten types of women who drive men crazy.  And not in a good way:


1.  "The Pushover" - Ain't she sweet?  She's the gal who'll do anythingto impress and please a man.  Want her to juggle?  Just hand her some (ahem) balls and girlfriend is good to go.  A back bend?  No problem!  She can accomplish one effortlessly as she has no spine.  "The Pushover" never has an opinion of her own and offers no mental challenge.  Even though a man may use her for a bit just to see how far she'll go, he eventually tires of this "doormat" once she's worn out her welcome.


2.  "The Ball Buster" - Forget poisonous snakes, lions, and rabid dogs.  The most feared species in the animal kingdom is none other than "The Ball Buster."  Just one look from this demonic creature can cause a man to shrivel.  Seriously.  She's a master nag and a champion hag.  Her mission?  Dominate that man!  She puts on the pants and makes him wear the tutu.  I've never understood this.  When a woman busts a man's balls, guess what she ends up with?  A man with busted balls.  And how attractive is that?


3.  "The Mother Hen" - This lady is "The Ball Buster's" nicer sister, but her objective is still the same - to control her man.  She'll say things like, "Honey, do you really need to put so much salt on your eggs?" and "You look tired.  Get some sleep."  Being nurturing is part of a woman's nature.  But peck-peck-pecking at a man like he's a baby chick is emasculating.  Here's what I have to say:  Act like his mommy, and he'll see you as his mommy.  Yuck.


4.  "The Green-Eyed Monster" - If one of a man's greatest fears in relationships is losing his freedom, encountering "The Green-Eyed Monster" will give him heart palpitations and panic attacks.  She's the gal who will snoop through his drawers when he's not around.  She'll hack into his email account and look through his phone to see who he's called and texted.  And if her guy dares to even look at another woman, she'll order a key stroke logger and hire a PI to tail him faster than you can say "fatal attraction."


5.  "The Truck Driver" - We all know that men like women who are feminine, but they also dig it when we can enjoy some "male" activities and recreations.  In fact, I believe every woman should have the following words and phrases in her vocabulary:  "first down," "audible," "handicap," "air ball," and "pinch hitter."  (As well as a rudimentary understanding of each.)  Men like it when a woman can speak a bit of their language.  However, if a woman's vernacular is primarily taken from George Carlin's "Seven Dirty Words," her world record for intramural spitting has gone unchallenged, and her dressiest shoes are a pair of low top Chuck Taylors, then there may be a problem.  No guy wants a girl who's more of a guy's guy than they are.


6.  "The Airhead" - Not surprisingly, this little ditz made it onto almost every guy's list.  Fact:  Men do not like women who play dumb.  Or who, in actuality, are dumb.  I believe it's perfectly OK to ask a man to kill a bug for you.  Asking him to help with basic math is not.  Nor is it cute if a woman does not know the name of the U.S. Vice-President, is unsure who wrote "The Grapes of Wrath," or often says things like "I don't get it" while blinking rapidly.  Duh.


7.  "The Gold Digger" -  This girl isn't just looking for a man who'll pay for dinner.  Oh no, she's looking for a man who'll pay for her whole life.  And not too many men are enthusiastic about this.  So, how can you differentiate her from a nice girl who just wants a guy to treat her like a lady and take her on a date?  Simple.  "The Gold Digger" is pretty easy to spot.  Just look for the acrylic nails (a couple will be broken off if she's in between guys), the custom bedazzled Ugg boots, the designer mini-dog in the designer tote, and she'll probably be talking loudly on her iPhone with the pink rhinestone case.  If you are still unsure, here's a good test:  If you take her out and pay for the evening with anything less than a platinum AMEX, she'll never call you again. 


8.  "The Supermodel" - Let me be clear with this one.  Not a single man I spoke with said a real, live supermodel would be annoying.  Of course not.  But most guys are completely put off by a woman who obsesses about her appearance to the point you'd think she makes money based on her looks.  Men do not understand why it takes this lady 2 1/2 hours to get ready - to go to Starbucks.  Deep down, "The Supermodel's" inability to leave the house without a full face of makeup comes from insecurity.  Most men love a woman who is confident enough to throw on a baseball cap on a Saturday afternoon without spending an hour under the blow dryer.  After all, even real, live supermodels have bad hair days.


9.  "The Drama Queen" - We alllll know this girl.  And let me tell you, she's as annoying to her girlfriends as she is to her boyfriends.  Evvvvverything is a "big deal," because she's convinced herself that she's a big deal.  There are no little battles, only world wars.  Every offense her man makes is a dump-worthy one.  And even the slightest hangnail is an event entitling her to a case of histrionics and a mental breakdown.  "The Gold Digger" may drain your bank account, but "The DQ" will drain your emotions.  And much like eating daily at your local "DQ" is toxic to your body, dating "The DQ" is toxic to your soul.


10.  "The Clinger" - Do these texts sound familiar?  "What r u up to?"  "How is ur day?"  "Where r u?"  "When can I c u?"  Ohhhh, "The Clinger."  Phrases like "personal space," "alone time," and "breathing room" mean nothing to her.  She calls constantly, sends sappy/love-y dove-y letters via email "just to brighten your day," and will show up unannounced at a man's office with lunch.  She thinks she's caring.  He thinks she's a stalker.  Although the truth (as it often does) probably lies somewhere in the middle, "clinging" to a man (especially in the beginning of a relationship) is a sure fire method to make him pull away.  In fact, he's usually unable to pull the ripcord fast enough.


To the guys reading this:  I know what many of you are thinking.  "If I show this to my wife/girlfriend/etc and tell her which number(s) she is, how mad is she going to get?"  I'm not totally opposed to you doing that.  Self-reflection and self-improvement are good things.  When I first compiled this list, I showed it to a close female friend of mine.  "I know these women," she said.  "I've been these women."  We all have at one time or another.  And each one of us could use an occasional wake up call. 

AUTHOR'S BIO: Jenn X is a writer, blogger, and all around "sex-pert" when it comes to men, dating, and love. She began writing at the age of six when she created a newspaper, wrote articles about her family and pets, and attempted to sell copies to her neighbors for a dime. Around the same time, she began offering relationship advice to anyone who would listen. As a trusted counselor to many women over the years, Jenn has experienced the gamut of relationship blunders, both first and second hand. She recently put her two passions together and now writes relationship advice columns, both on her blog and for various websites.  She doesn't mince words when it comes to matters of the heart, but always tempers her viewpoints with wit and humor. One fan describes her like this: "If Carrie Bradshaw is a cosmopolitan, Jenn X is a scotch on the rocks." Jenn received her B.A. in Journalism at the University of Southern California and was a columnist for the Pasadena Star-News when she was only 17 years old. She currently lives in Los Angeles and is just now starting to take her own advice.

You can find her complete blog posts and published writings at:
www.jennx30somethingandsingle.tumblr.com and on the Facebook page, Jenn X: 30Something & Single.

Website:  www.jennx30somethingandsingle.tumblr.com

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