GirlsGuideTo | WTF? How to Find a “Perfect Husband” in College

Oh ladies. I am sitting at my desk shaking my head because I don’t even know what to say. My friends and I always joked about girls who went to our college just to get their MRS degree (and trust me, there were), but this article is taking it a step too far. Written for the University of Georgia’s student newspaper, sorority girl Amber Estes describes the step-by-step process of attaining “the thing that is most essential in securing our futures.” Mmmhmmm. She’s not talking about her education. She’s talking about a husband.

As she writes, “That’s right ladies, four years to find a husband. Every true woman knows how vital it is to find the right brilliant babe to father their children and replenish their bank accounts. A Southern belle is nothing but a pretty face and pearls without a man to eat her cooking and appreciate her cleaning.

So ladies, the clock is ticking and the hunnies are being taken at an alarmingly fast pace. Our expiration dates are fast approaching. To help you find that special someone, I’ve laid out step-by-step directions for how to secure your husband and consequentially, your future.”

With sentences like that, it’s hard to believe that Ms. Estes is serious. I mean, this has to be satire right? Please tell me it is…I don’t think I can handle it if she’s being serious and I might start spontaneously weeping at any moment. Let’s go through the steps shall we?

Step 1: Get to College.
Well that doesn’t seem to bad. Presumably you had to use your brain to get in, so we’re on the right track here. Then you just have “pick your perfect prince, and zero in for the kill.” Obviously!

Step 2: Hang Out Outside of the “Ambitious” Student Buildings
You know, like the law school or med school or whatever “Ag Hill or Terry” is. Seriously, don’t you know that’s where the future rich men of America will be? Ok that’s easy, but then comes the hard part: “look flawless, seemingly without trying. Nothing screams desperate louder than a girl who is all dolled up in her nicest outfits lounging outside of Terry.” Oh goodness.

Step 3: “Instagram Everything”
Yes, because guys want to see every insignificant detail of your life! I can’t say it any better than Ms. Estes: “This step is crucial. These boys have only ever seen you in your I-look-good-but-I’m-not-trying attire; they have way higher standards for your going out pictures. Nothing spruces up some mediocre pics like a lighting adjustment and filter on Instagram. Also, make sure you take pictures with your pretty friends, but not ones that are prettier than you. That way the boys know you don’t hang around with uggos, but it’s also crystal clear that you’re the queen of the pack.”

Duh.

Step 4: Stay Classy
Ladies, a man won’t get down on one knee for a woman who is “overly willing to get down on both of hers.” Keep your eye on the prize, aka, the joint bank account! “Let your gent do most of the talking; this way you’ll get a better feel for if he could indeed be the one, and he’ll drive himself crazy wondering what you’re thinking. At the end of the night (after he’s paid the bill and opened all of your doors) leave him with a simple but enticing kiss. By this point, he doesn’t stand a chance.” Yes because men who want a trophy don’t expect it to talk. Or have a brain…

Step 5: Lockdown
Ok, so he’s taken you on a few dates and now you’re going steady.

“Once he does make you his girlfriend, the hard-to-get phase must end. Playing coy was fun, but coy does not a trophy wife make. This is the phase where you put this boy on lockdown. Ensure he desires nothing more than his dazzling girlfriend. Bake for his frat brothers, encourage him to do well on his tests, and impress his momma like it’s the last round of recruitment. On the flip side, make sure you’re not too much. Nothing drives away a golden gent more than a control freak.”

Yes, aspire to be in every part of his life, but for heaven’s sake, don’t control him!

Step 6: Tiffany’s

Well, we’ve come so far. If you’ve done everything right, that Tiffany’s rock should be sitting pretty on your finger by graduation. “Voila, congratulations future Mrs. Dr. Perfect.”

And wait, the closing is my favorite part.

“This is your chance to live happily every after. Encourage your man to go wherever the money is, and then stay by his side regardless of any circumstance. Pretty soon, you’ll be sipping sweet tea by the pool at the country club while some babysitter watches after Junior and Georgia Ann.”

Oh yes, some babysitter.

Our verdict: WTF? Like I said, if this isn’t a satire (and not even the website knows…it has an online poll up about it!) I am going to weep myself to sleep for the future of women everywhere. It’s just…wow, I really am pretty speechless. Have we even left “The Help?” What’s so wrong with doing you and getting yourself a real future using say a REAL DEGREE? And if you meet a man along the way, great!

What do you think, is this satire? Would you follow Ms. Estes’ steps to getting the MRS degree?