Yes, but does he RESPECT you?
Posted by Jenn Clark on May 28, 2011 at 9:46 PM
It's no big deal if a guy wants to sleep with you. It's no challenge for most women to put on some hoochie-garb and find a willing accomplice for the evening. Let's face it - this takes minimal work and effort. Which may be why his initial level of physical attraction doesn't necessarily determine the strength of his desire to have a relationship with you. And if you think you're gonna get a guy to like you - to want to be with you for the long-term - just because he finds you desirable,...well, think again, sister.
We all know that men are visual creatures. They're attracted to what they SEE. And most men SEE a lot that attracts them. But what sets you apart, what determines if he views you as a passing thing or as something serious, is based on who you are on the inside. And ultimately, whether or not he RESPECTS you. Respect. It all boils down to respect.
Not too long ago, I heard a great quote: You can't demand respect, you command it. Love that! It's so true, isn't it? So if you are feeling disrespected; if your relationships seem to fizzle rather than sizzle; or if you are having problems sustaining men's interest, read on. This one is for you.
1. Respect yourself - If you don't respect yourself (your thoughts, your dreams, your body, etc), how can you expect anyone else to? No man will respect a woman who doesn't respect herself. Period. End of story. So how do you respect yourself? By liking yourself. By knowing who you are and being true to that. By having boundaries that you allow no man (or woman) to cross. A woman who respects herself doesn't chase after men in order to gain approval. She doesn't need someone else's acceptance in order to feel good about herself. She believes in herself and holds out for relationships with people who also believe in her. And she doesn't settle for relationships where she's treated badly. Ever.
2. Assert yourself - I don't believe in being a ball buster. That's gross. And very few men like it when a woman tries to push them around. You aren't the boss of him. But you most certainly are the boss of yourself. You determine the course of your life. No one else! And you absolutely have control over charting your direction. Men respect women who have their own goals and opinions. Adopting a "whatever you want, honey" attitude may appeal to him at first. But watch how quickly boredom will set in. If you don't like how you are being treated, stick up for yourself. If you want something you're not getting, be direct and tell him. Don't keep your mouth shut and become resentful. And certainly don't stomp your feet or pout like a little girl. Men respect women who know what they want and have the strength to get it.
3. Maintain yourself - One of the fastest ways he'll lose respect is if you give up everything important to you for him. When you cease to be the center of your own life and instead orbit around him, he won't see you as an independent woman. He'll see you as a clingy child. Why? Two reasons. First, most men are acutely aware they are no superhero. He knows he's not perfect and when you act like he's your end all-be all, he can't help but wonder what's wrong with you. He wants you to think he's great and super neato and all that. But making him the center of your universe puts way too much pressure on him. Second, once we abandon everything for a man it's not too long before we begin demanding reciprocity. "I don't go to bars with my girlfriends. Why do you still go out with the guys?" "You're more important than my work. Why don't you make me more of a priority?" Sound familiar? The fuller your life and the more content you are, the more he'll respect you.
4. Control yourself - One of the fundamental problems with relationships is that most men believe that 99.9% of women are (at least a little bit) crazy. We may get irritated by this (after all, it's THEM who make us crazy, right?), but if we look at this objectively, don't we give them just a bit of ammo? C'mon! Admit it! Haven't we all allowed a guy (at one time or another) to make us go somewhat...psycho? (Seriously, if you never have you deserve some sort of medal.) Here's the deal: Men want women who are in control of their emotions. Why? Because they have no clue how to handle them. For reals. Our emotional outbursts scare them. When you fly off the handle, cry, and scream, they just don't get it. They think your response - to whatever the provocation - is totally out of proportion and completely unreasonable. The more frequent your hissy fits, the more he'll lose respect for you. Bottom line. So, as hard as it may be, try to keep the drama to a minimum. If he's habitually upsetting you to the point you are having trouble controlling your emotions, you should probably assess whether or not he's the guy for you.
5. Save yourself - I'm not a preacher of abstinence. Maybe in a "perfect" world, we'd all be virgins when our first love found our glass slipper and proposed on bended knee. And then we'd get married and go on to be deliriously happy ever after. Yeah, riiiiight. Life ain't no fairy tale. And, for most of us, sex is integral to our relationships. But here's the deal when it comes to sex and respect: The VAST MAJORITY of the time, the faster you have sex with him, the faster he'll lose respect for you. Sleep with him on the first date? Congrats. More than likely you've just committed relationship suicide. Listen up. He's a guy. He wants to sleep with you. Duh! Men learn to respect and begin to really fall for a woman in the time BEFORE the relationship is consummated. So don't sell that time short. And if he's not showing respect before you sleep with him, he's certainly not going to treat you with it afterwards.
When a man truly feels respect for a woman, that's when his attraction goes through the roof. And it's the kind of attraction that lasts. Unlike physical attraction, which is fleeting, emotional attraction has staying power. Just like many of our relationship issues, I believe it all goes back to being a "goddess;" that confident creature who is in control of herself and successful in her relationships. Let's face it - who DOESN'T respect a "goddess?"
Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” You can find it on her Facebook page, Twitter or on Amazon.com.