Question
I have gotten myself into the worst jam possible. I was going out with someone for a month when I left on a trip and got really drunk and slept with someone else. I have never cheated on someone before. And now, I found out I am pregnant. I honestly don't think it is my boyfriend's because we were extremely careful and I know with the drunken night that we were extremely not. Since finding out, I have broken up with my boyfriend because I couldn't be the kind of person who just pretends it's his and no one would ever be the wiser. Well, one of my friends told him what happened and now he thinks the baby is his, although I have come clean about what happened and told him it's very very unlikely. He is insisting on getting updates on my condition and getting a DNA test when the baby is born.
While this is going on...I am 23 and have no job, haven't worked in a year, as I have been backpacking around the country and such. My mom is battling a brain tumor and I have 4 little brothers and sisters, the youngest of whom is 4. No one in my family has money, I have no insurance, I have my ex breathing down my neck and most of my friends have abandoned me, as I am no longer "able to have fun".
I am so afraid and depressed and I feel like I have no options. I haven't told anyone in my family yet. There is no way I'd have an abortion and I would like to think I have the emotional strength to give the baby up for adoption because that would probably be a more promising life for it, but I know the minute I hear it cry, I will never be able to let go. I love children.
Has anyone ever been in a somewhat similar situation? Are there options for a young, single mother with no money and no education to speak of? I do not want to be one of those people on welfare...I was taught to deal with my own problems myself, not to rely on other's or make them take care of me, and I know I would get no end of ridicule for "taking advantage" of good taxpayer's money.
Also, I know there will be no help whatsoever from the dad. He is young and a jobless musician.
I know it is all my own stupid fault and if you want to criticize, okay. But I truly just want to make sure the baby is healthy and has safety with me...maybe if you have any words of real advice, you could share?
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Well, you're in a real mess... I am 20 and I'm sure I wouldn't be able to give the baby to someone else even if I knew it's the best for him/her... Although I'd probably try in the end.
However (and I'm speaking blindly here, 'cos I don't know how your relationship with your ex was...), if he didn't really break up with you (you say here it was you who left him because of the pregnancy)... Haven't you considered that even if the baby isn't his, if he loves you, you could continue with your relationship? If he isn't all despaired about the baby being his, I think you can give it a try if you two love each other. After all, a real parent is the one who gives love and care to a child. If he helps you during the pregnancy and the first months, you may be able to get a job =)
Well, you're in a real mess... I am 20 and I'm sure I wouldn't be able to give the baby to someone else even if I knew it's the best for him/her... Although I'd probably try in the end.
However (and I'm speaking blindly here, 'cos I don't know how your relationship with your ex was...), if he didn't really break up with you (you say here it was you who left him because of the pregnancy)... Haven't you considered that even if the baby isn't his, if he loves you, you could continue with your relationship? If he isn't all despaired about the baby being his, I think you can give it a try if you two love each other. After all, a real parent is the one who gives love and care to a child. If he helps you during the pregnancy and the first months, you may be able to get a job =)
i think the best possible thing for you is education whether or not you decide to keep the baby...you can go here. http://jobcorps.gov/Home.aspx
but until then....look for a job. waffle house, kroger, gas stations, even walmart....something to get you by...
Try a job anywhere. Do you know who the one night stand was with? He deserves to know too. Maybe he has always really wanted a baby and would take care of it. Unlikely, but you never know. And what if it DOES turn out to be your boyfriend's? I give you a lot of praise for coming clean with him. I guess go through with the pregnancy and see if it's his and if you can deal with it. You don't have to give up your baby the second you have it. I, personally, could never give it up. You may be able to get Welfare or something too. You may have been raised to figure out your own problems, but this isn't really just about you anymore. Just hang in there and good luck!
I really strongly suggest OPEN ADOPTION! If you want the best for your baby, but can't give it up completely, this is a good way to go. You can pick the parents (from what I've heard) and you won't have to pay any medical expenses. The baby will probably get the best care, since people who go through adoption usually are willing to do whatever it takes. There are lots of families out there who can't conceive and a lot of times, if you give them a baby you will probably be "adopted" into their family as well.
I agree with this. one of my best friends and her brother (literal biological brother) were adopted this way. their biological mom is still very much a part of their lives (both are now in their 20's).
If i was you i would take care of the baby as best i could while i carried it i myself am pregnant at this time and nurturing a child in your belly is a wonderful feeling. do whatever it takes to take care of your baby i know it isnt the best suggestion but welfare i know its not something to be proud of being on i did it for a short time until my husband and i were able to get on our feet. the best thing you can do for your baby is take care of it and be a good mom its tough trust me but seeing the beautiful eyes of you baby the day they are born and everyday after is the most wonderful thing u could ask for.
I have had 3 friends go though somewhat similar situations. It is hard but can be done.
#1 - Your biggest concern is the health of your child. Keep up with doctors visits, take prenatal vits and eat right.
#2 - Learn your options. You have time to make the correct decision for you and your baby. Talk to adoptions agencies. Talk to other moms who have picked that choice (the adoption agency should have a list of people to talk to). Talk to doctors! You don't need to rush into a decision.
#3 - Take state help while trying to better your life! They have help for childcare as long as you are looking for a job or working. Look into all your options with that as well. It's hard being a single mom, but it can be done if you chose that option! California and maybe the federal government has a program called WIC for moms. You go to classes once a month I think and they give you coupons for formula, milk, juice, cheese, all good food.
Just get all the facts to make the best decision you can! Then, once you have made the decision, don't look back. You will know you made the best decision for you and your baby.
I also am 23 and jobless. Do whatever it is that you think is in the best interest of your child. My daughter is 5 weeks old now and just a couple months before she was born I made the final decision to take on the challenges of parenthood. That choice was the hardest one I have ever had to make. Back in february I was fired from my job after informing them that I was pregnant. Up until the moment I had a great paying job, private insurance, was able to pay all of my bills, and was going to college part time. After getting fired I had to get on unemployment, medicaid, and food stamps. The only way to pay for my prenatal care was thru medicaid. Yes, I was a little depressed that I went from being in a great situation and position to take care of myself and my child to being in a not so great situation and loosing the means to provide. It's been a challenge but I could not be happier that I chose to have my daughter. I am going to college full time this semester with 14 credit hours. Granted I have a lot of help from family, but I get ZERO support from the father. This was my choice, and therefore I will make sure that I can provide a safe place for my child to be instead of shipped off to some strangers house that only God will know what is going on. I couldn't imagine at this point having gone thru with an adoption. You will be entrusting the safety and well being of your flesh and blood in strangers. Where there's a will there's a way. It will be tough and challenging, but the rewards of being a Mother are far greater.
Also. My ex was convinced that the baby was his, and when I informed him that I had actually gotten pregnant from a one nighter he didn't believe me. He went one insisting that my daughter was his all the way up until she was 3 weeks old when he finally go to see her. She looks exactly like her dad and nothing like my ex. But my ex has been very supportive of me and has offered to help financially if needed.
Food stamps and medicaid are put in place for people who are in such jams as you and I. Abortion was never an option for me either, even tho the father asked me about a dozen times to get one and made it very clear that he was not happy with my decision to keep "it".
Ultimately the decision is yours' to make. But there are programs out there to help single young mothers. WIC, Food Stamps, Medicaid, Housing, education, etc...
First of all don't beat yourself up, things happen and you just need to regather and move on. don't be afraid to use services that are available as stepping stone and as means of support to create a better life for you and your child. WIC is a non welfare publicly funded program designed to help low income mothers during and after pregnancy, it is NOT welfare. contact your local Right To Life Group, they can help you and give you moral support. If your ex boyfriend is well aware of all the facts and is willing to help and be there, and you still have feelings for him there is no reason to not have a relationship. If your a member of a church make contact with your pastor or someone involved in women's services they may be able to help you in a number of ways. Don't put off telling your family, the longer you wait the harder it will be to tell them yet the more obvious the situation will become. the longer you put it off the harder it will be on all of you. you may also be surprised with your mom's condition, she may be thrilled at the idea of a grand child even though it is not under the best circumstances. you also need to get medical care and you can contact your local health department and they can direct you on how to get medical care for you and the baby. if your interested in school and a career, go to a local jr college and talk to a councilor because there are a lot of options out there for single mothers. and finally don't be afraid or embarrassed to use welfare or any other assistance available as long as it's being used as a stepping stone to help you through a hard time. theres a lot of people out there that are successful and give back to the community that have themselves used welfare as a means to better their lives not just to survive. good luck girlie, and don't let people get you down, your doing the right thing by being honest with people and not aborting the baby. :)
i think if you truly Love your ex boyfriend then you should go back with him, he seems like he would support the both of you and be accepting after a while if it wasnt his kid. you should just tell him that you need help for your health and the baby's and tell him your sorry that you just made a horrible mistake. try to find a job too, even if it doesnt pay much, its something. and you dont have to go straight to abortion or adoption either, you just have to get yourself on your feet again. work as hard as you can and you should be fine