Question
This sort of covers a number of things really. Today, my boyfriend and I (of almost a year) had a falling out because I'm having a hard time in my final year of university, my family is falling apart and I'm generally very stressed at the moment. I'm not sleeping well and when I do get some sleep, I have absolutely horrendous dreams, mainly my friends/family etc getting killed.
The thing is, I have a very very hard time letting people in. I have very high walls and very rarely trust people. And I hate crying. Whenever I get angry, or upset, I clam up and push people away.
This is due to a number of things. My family life is very complicated and I'm often the one left in the dark, and also the one expected to heal a rift between two family members due to the fact I'm the only person that they are both talking to. A couple of years ago also, my so called best friends at the time completely turned on me, leaving me to fend for myself in my last year of sixth form. It was seven girls vs me and I broke down. Ever since then, I have never let anybody get close enough to hurt me.
The problem now is I'm hurting my boyfriend by not letting him in. I've tried so hard to. When I'm upset, I will tell him what's wrong, but he has to wait for me to calm down first as I can be very fiery and unmanagable and don't like being comforted or crying in front of people. But it can take a day or two for me to calm down enough and he doesn't like waiting that long.
I've said I'll go and see a counsellor about it, about everything to try and alleviate my mood swings, but the waiting list is a couple of months and I'm scared I'll push him away by then as he's starting to wonder why he bothers.
I don't want to lose him, but don't know what else I can do to try and let him in.
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If you are located in Finland Helsinki there are a couple of marriage/couple relationship counsellors who I know can give service soon, if this is helpful you may leave your email here. Wish things get better soon.
i know what you mean and i'm currently in a similar situation. maybe try asking why it bothers him so much that you have a hard time letting him close to you? does he know why you don't let people close to you? i think talking could help work some things out and definitely try counseling, there's no telling what it could do for you.
Just remember--
1) guys don't care about details
2) guys don't like drama
3) guys don't want to see you cry
Okay, settling that-- let's say that you take the approach I do on letting my boyfriend have the skim toppings of the problem that is going on with me.
Basically if I had a problem with 7 girls turning on me, my explanation to my boyfriend for me not letting him in would be, "I had an issue with girls, they stabbed me in the back-- I don't really want to talk about it."
Guys love that line "I don't want to talk about it." (as long as you give them a sentence of explanation.) They don't want to be left in the dark anymore than we do.
You have to give him SOMETHING if you truly want to keep him, it's only fair.
As for therapy, sounds like a good idea. Take it- GO.
If you are actually serious about your boyfriend, you have to realize that he is the one who is your best friend. You should be able to confide in this person (imagine as a husband years from now). He is what you have, you are his, he is yours. You will eventually need to break down and tell him what in the hell is going on in your brain. Unless you want to drive a wedge in between both of you.
Your personality is much like mine. My boyfriend and I are actually in a slightly similar situation. When I am upset my natural response is to shut down and push everyone away until i calm down. My temper doesn't help. He knew I didn't like talking about what was wrong but it was still hurting him.
Simply, I sat down one day with him and told him why I do what I do, and that i don't mean to keep him out I just am used to handling things myself and when I am mad I don't care who is around me they won't get anything out of me and trying to will only make me take things out on them. I told him usually when i calm down I will go to him and explain that even if he thinks I have calmed down not to ask because I am good at masking feelings.
He understood for the most part, but like Lauren said guys don't like drama, care about details, or want us to cry. He still shows he cares, but he knows when and when not to try and figure it out.
I agree with all the comments above - but there is one thing missing that I think you need to clear up first - you have to get out of putting your family and their needs first. I used to do that all the time - I used to think that without me all of my family couldn't get along or move on with their lives. And I would make my boyfriend take a backseat while I had to handle their problems. STOP!!
Your boyfriend is the person who loves you - like you deserve to be loved! Start putting him first and let your family take care of themselves - you'll see they can and they will, they don't need you even if they said they do. If they loved you they would let you live your own life (with your boyfriend) in peace. Step 1: stop getting caught in the middle of their dramas, 2) start concentrating on getting good grades to find a good job when you graduate, 3) start focusing on the guy who could very likely be your husband a couple years from now. Best of luck from a "been there done that" sister.
Show a version of what you wrote there to your fella, he should understand then and see that you wanna let him in, your just havin a hard time gettin there. gd luck :)
if he loves u he will understand. and he will hang in there.