Question
I'm scared of having intimate relationships. I was a victim of abuse growing up. My father lacked the father/daughter boundary line. Things like "Go away dad I'm in the shower" never meant anything to him. My parents had divorced when I was seven but up until the age of 13 I couldn't take showers in his house because I was scared of him walking in. When I was five I was molested by a cousin of mine on my fathers side. Add to that my low self esteem caused by years of mental abuse and my skin disease that makes my body look like I have patches of snake skin, I find my self scared of intimate relationships.
I am currently with someone I love very very much. He loves me as well and isn't bothered by my skin condition. When he says things like "You look so beautiful." Or "I love hugging you." I get a knot in the pit of my stomach. I have always had an issue with people touching me because of my traumatic childhood. My friends worked for a year or two to get me to stop flinching every time they hugged me goodbye. I'm still a virgin because of this issue and my boyfriend... he is being very sweet in not pushing the issue. He knows I'm scared of it and so he wont bring it up. However, I know that he would like it if I was more... open to being touched and open with touching others. His guy friends tease him about it and one of them is telling him he should probably find someone less broken in the head. Because of my low self esteem I've told my boyfriend he should do just that and find someone else who can be more physical in their affections. He just smiles and shakes his head like the very thought of that would be the stupidest thing on earth. I'm still working on getting used to his comments about me being pretty or how he loves me, but we talk about things like marriage and having children one day so easily. He really can't wait to be a dad and I want children but... if I am scared of being intimate... well... you see the problem there.
I just want to know, is there a way I can get over this? I mean, not just for him and our relationship, but for me so I can feel more like a normal person.
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i too have the same condition...when i was a small kid i was abused by one of my neighbours n my dad was also of same type...but now he's changed he asked sorry as well...My boyfriend too tells me that I am the most beautiful girl for him..which i can't believer coz i am a bit fat...n no one till now said i m beautiful...but we both have physical relation...during the period of having physical relation i jus recall my childhood and get scared coz i feel every guy are so type...we both talk about having marriage and all...but still after this long time spending with him i don't trust him..he blames on me for that....but the truth is that i don't trust boys....they always run behind only one thing...i know i always hurt him by telling i don't trust him..n i cannot make him happy with physical relation...but i want to forget all those memories i have even told him about me being abused and he said it's not my mistake though i couldn't tell him about my father....which i won't for sure....
for you i would suggest jus believe him n let ur mind's one half take the pleasure of having physical relation....if he truely loves you he will erase all your worse memories....
talk to him about your condition....hope it will help...
u reminded about my childhodd i got to find i am not the only one who suffered....there are a lot many..:( gals are always abused.....:(
I just wanted to ssay how terrible that must of been for you, i could only imagen what you went through.
Please ignore the comment above, im sure as hell that is doesnt help.
Have you ever thought of seeing a therapist? They are a lot of help.
Or if you dont want to go to a stranger, why not talk to your boyfriend about it all?
You never know, it may just help.
I truley hope everything goes well for you and my boyfriend.
x
i really feel for you girl.. and im so sorry to hear what you've gone thru...
God bless your soul..
i know its really really hard, but take a step, a little step everyday, to open up.. especially to someone understanding and loving like your boyfriend (from what you said, he's truly an angel sent from above, dude!!)
dont push yourself.. just one step at a time...
try to talk to ur boyfriend how you really feel..
Good luck girl.. :)
I'm so sorry to hear that, neither of you should have had to go through that.
Generally, most people will suggest counselling or therapy, but it's not because we don't know what to say to you; we do, but, only to an extent. We dont' have the training of psychology/sociology/psychiatry, and people who do, really can help you to deal with your issues. It's not much fun telling such personal things to a stranger, no, but they are bound by professional oath to keep it secret, much like a priest in a confessional. They also take an oath to help people, which is what you may need. Victims Services Offices are easy to find, and there's a whole medley of choices for you out there. The best advice anyone can offer you, and a therapist will too, is to TALK about it. It hurts to, but after a while, talking will get easier and it helps you heal. If a therapist isn't much up your alley, I don't know if you are religious or not, but sometimes talking to a priest can be healing. Catholic, Buddist, New Age, any of them.
The biggest thing for you to understand is IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Then you have to learn how to love yourself again. Seeking and accepting help will get you there. I'm not saying it's a miracle cure, no matter what you decide will take time and effort, but once you get there, the rewards are priceless.
your boyfriend loves you very much!!!!!!!!!
thats clear cuz he waits for you and accepts you the way you are.
obviously your discomfort in being touched CAN be cured---friends hugging
i guess you just have to take it veeery slowly. try to be VERY open towards being touched and push the line a little bit every time. but as soon as its stressful and stuff and you dont like it anymore just stop. your boyfriend will stay with you- he has already proven that.
before you were very unlucky but now you are extremely lucky to have a boyfriend like that.
I know how you feel..when i was 7 for years my dads now ex girlfriends son would abuse me in so many different ways it was sickening. I didnt tell anyone till years later...and I found out that so many young girlsar abused everyday..and it makesme sick to think about. I have been in a relationship for over a year now, and in the beginning , i was so scared of intimacy, i would break down crying if things got too heated..and i eventully had to talk to my boyfriend, becuse he began blaming himself. I have been told to go through therapy, but in the end it really depends on who you are wih and how much you trust them. I trust my boyfriend with my life, which made it so much easier to open up intimately with him, but even now i will have random breakdowns.. nd its something i live with everyday. i still have nightmares about events in my past, but you need to move on, it sounds to me like he loves you, andhe can only make it better.
What happened to you was very terrible, but it is very VERY clear that you have found some one you loves you very much for who you are and that it a wonderful thing to be cherished! I don't know how long you have been together, but maybe as you progress in your relationship you will feel more and more comfortable being around him. I don't know if this helps but you should consider yourself very lucky for the man you have found yourself with.
I thank all of you for your advice. Yes I am the poster of the question. For those of you who brought up Therapy, I have gone through it. Actually, I was told I no longer needed it when I turned 18. They said things would gradually become less of an issue to me and I could get over things on my own. As for my boyfriend, I told him that I had posted this. He wanted me to thank all of you for your help and advice as well. Though I don't think it hurt that most of you said that it sounded like he loved me very much. He said that part he agreed with more then 100 percent. Haha! We are working on my problems still and he is very supportive and promising to wait for as long as I need. I suppose it is something to take a little at a time.
Thank you everyone who gave me advice and were very supportive. It helps to know that there are so many who understand what I have been through and who wish me the best as I wish them. I hope that all of you who posted and those who didn't, have a wonderful life. ^_^
you kno what the same thing happened to me when i was younger with my dad im still in my mid teens and im scared to get in a relatioship with guys on top of that i have social problems i find it hard talking and meeting new people as i dont like changes but if u find a way to get rid or calm down the things that have happened to u as well as me then please say as i feel i could do with it as just forgeting it for a few years is now eating me up inside and i cry everytime i think of my younger years
This reminds me a lot of myself, I have the same issues....
Low self esteem
Skin disorder [Vitaligo]
Theres a guy I've been having a "fling" with on and off for the past 2 years.
we can't make anything official because I'm so afraid of showing affection due to childhood trauma.
I can't even look him in the eyes, and he takes body language very seriously.... and thinks I'm upset with him or don't like him.
I too get knots in my stomach whenever I'm complimented.
The doc. said its anxiety, but that doesn't help much.
I'm really not sure how to help, but know that you're not alone with these problems...