Question
I've been with my boyfriend for 5.5 years and he is the guy my family knows I will marry. I met some months ago another guy and fell in love with him, but the problem is that he is of a different nationality and lives in his own country. We met recently and the time we spent together was more than great. I now miss him very much and I want to visit him again and again. My boyfriend, on the other hand, would be a perfect husband and father for my kids and really cares for me but I feel I'm used to him after all these years. My heart belongs to the foreign guy and my mind belongs to my boyfriend. I'm confused...
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I've had this sort of problem before. I had been with my boyfriend for over two years and I went through a very bad patch and one of my best friends at the time, picked me up and helped put me back together again. By doing this, it formed an indescribable bond between us. It was a little more complicated with the fact that he was dating my other best friend at the time. It got to the point that I thought I was so in love with this guy that it felt like I was cheating on him when I was with my boyfriend!!
In the end, my boyfriend found out (we never physically cheated or emotionally cheated) and he couldn't handle the fact that he knew I liked my best friend, so we split. That is one of my biggest regrets, but to be fair, I was 17/18 at the time and didn't really know any better. The other guy then turned out to be a total jerk.
Moral of my story is the other guy could be the best male friend you could ever wish for, but that doesn't make him the perfect partner. I was in a loving and caring relationship and I threw it away for nothing.
If I were in your case I would stay with my boyfriend and cut all contact with the other guy, because I'm sure that is what your boyfriend would want, and it's his feelings that count. However, people always have to make their own mistakes to learn from them, and you never know, it may not even be a mistake.
Perhaps try waiting to see how it turns out with your boyfriend without being in contact with this other guy, and concentrate on trying to get that spark back again. Sit down and talk with your partner about spicing things up in your day to day lives. Go on proper dates and woo each other. That's what I'd suggest, because if you're going to throw away a 5.5 year relationship, you need to make sure it was completely the right decision.
I don't think you should base who you marry by what your family wants or who they are used to. That being said, I also don't think you should leave the man you've been with for almost six years because of puppy love. You have to think about the pros and cons of each side (Its very Along Came Polly, but its the only way to be less confused). Are you ready to move to a foreign country? You said that your current boyfriend would be a great father, but would this new guy? And the most important: Do you really love him or is your heart just on fire for him? Because once the flame dies down you know for sure one way or the other how you really feel for him. I made the mistake of leaving a guy once for another man that wasn't interested once all was said and done. Its a tricky situation to be in, and I'm sorry for you. But just keep in mind no matter what your final decision becomes, everything that is meant to happen will happen in the end. Just trust your instincts and follow your heart and your logic. I have faith that you'll do what makes you happiest in the end.
From Facebook: Alex H. - "I was stuck between Robert and Andy (names have been changed). I had known Robert on and off for about 5 years and I only knew Andy for 2 years, but I learned that I only wanted to be with Robert because I wanted that spark of fire that comes from neaking around and being rebellious. It lust, not love. Andy, on the otherr hand, was who I really loved. All of my friends loved him and he was welcome into my family where as Robert was shunned by all of them. Friends really do want teh best for you. Ask their opinion."
I agree with Alex - most of the time, it's lust, not love, and you obviously aren't being faithful to the man who seems like he is always there for you and has been there for you. Sure, the other guy makes you happy, but emotions can be mixed. On the other hand, don't do something just because your family wants you to. Do it because you want to. If you love your boyfriend and want to be with him, be with him for that reason, not because your family wants you to be.
You are young obviously. Over time love changes and matures... and becomes "comfortable" it's still love it's just not the passionate I want to rip your clothes off my heart soars through the roof at the sound of your name kind of thing. There are few REALLY good strong carring good father type men out there, if you have one that you can say you love... you better stick with him.
When a new relationship comes along especially a "forbidden" one we feel alive and there's adrenaline and fire and newness... all of these things cloud our judgement. I feel from what you've said here that, that's the case with this. Cut ties with the foreigner and work on putting some spark back into your long term relationship.
If you don't learn to handle these types of "tests"... you will never be fully happy because in a few years or months the same thing will happen again the names will just change. Don't betray what you've obviously been working years to build if he's really the good man you say he is.
I have a problem like this. Ive been in love with my friend from england... for 5 years now. He's engaged but we still cant help but know how close we are. I swear to god im not trying to do anything to his engagement. Ive known him longer then he's know his girl.
right now im going out with someone who i know will take amazing care of me for the rest of my life. Ive known my current bf since i was 4 years old.
I am joining the military and i have the chance to move to england using the money ill receive, or from being sent there. I have a chance to be with england boy. I told him that.. and we both dont know what to do. I told him to think about what he wants most of all (which happens to be me) and what would make him happy.
I dont know if i should let this happen though. what do you think?
Don't let it happen. You say you know what he wants most of all, but yet, if he really wanted you most of all, why did he propose to his girlfiend? Also, you say you swear to god you're not trying to do anything to his engagement, but then you've said you have a chance to be with him? You may not realise it, but you are a contradiction. Stick with your guy and leave this England Guy alone. Let him live his life without you and if for a year or so, you both realise you physically can't live without each other, then fine, try being together then. But give each other time to get used to life without each other before hurting your current partners.
Why is he engaged to the other girl? Has he told you all of the wonderful things that made him fall in love with her as well? Why did he choose to put a ring on her finger? She may be a wonderful unselfish person. Maybe she'll be on here posting about you one day, the one who took the love of her life away.
He engaged her because he thought it would be best for the both of us to have our own lives. I dunno what to do. I tried not talking to him for months. I blocked all his friends and him and just didnt say a word. Then i had a stupid dream about him and i totally crumbled. I dont want to steal him, like she did to me. but i hate thinking 'what if' all the time. I dont want to do something i'll end up regretting... but i feel that if i we do just leave things how they are i *will* regret not trying harder.
Its really stupid. You all probably think of me as some naive little girl. And i guess I am.
If England guy was really that important to you, you would have fought harder for him then. It's a whole new ballgame with two innocent people involved. If England dude really got engaged to another girl just for yours and his sake, then that's the wrong thing to do and part of me doesn't believe that. Dating a girl so he can move on with his life makes sense, but putting a ring on girl's finger? I don't think so. And now you have a bf as well, who you say is good for you.
You do want to break the England guy's relationship if you want to move to England to be with him and asking him to put his priorities in order. It's also not very fair to do that to him, the girl he's with and your bf. You should let England guy be. If it was meant to be, it would have happened already. I'd limit how much time you spend talking to your friend. Cause your bf could be the one you need to be with. If you two were single, I woulda said go for it, but neither of you are. So you can't just blindly think about yourselves but the ones you'd be hurting if you seriously went through with something like this.
I agree, thanks a lot for all your guys's help. I'm gonna take it all into consideration... because your right.
Having the same problem. Known a guy for a few years now, been with my BF for two and a half. Tough Times.
do what you feel is right for you. if you are a religous person pray for an answer. I wish you the best of luck.
You have a loving boyfriend who wants to spend the rest of his life with you and you allowed yourself that open window for this new guy to crawl through?? You are young yes.. but you need to forget about this guy that has no respect for your current relationship. It is obvious lust, and you should stop now before you make any further mistakes you are going to regret for the rest of your life.
Find ways to make your heart jump at your current boyfriend.. what makes your heart speed up? Does his kiss still do that? Seeing him walk towards you after a couple of days apart? Find SOMETHING, before you do this to yourself and your SIX YEAR relationship!!!!!
depending on your age and the point you are at in life, this could go either way.
i say if your mid 20's & really considering settling down with said boyfriend than cut contact with the other guy.
however, if your younger than that--this could be a good reason to get out of current relationship and embark on something new.
if your hearts not in it, you shouldn't be with your boyfriend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpdFoizbnTg&feature=related
"Sooner or later you're gonna hate it
Go ahead and throw our life away
Driving me under, leaving me out there
Go ahead and throw our life away"
LOL.
I had that song stuck in my head.. then i scrolled down and saw you've posted part of it xD
You're having a 'oooh lookie, shiny!' complex. You're comfortable with your bf, in a spot where things are good and comfortable. Predictable. 'Boring' and this new guy gives you something new and shiny to play with. You're suffering through lust. It sounds like there's nothing wrong with your bf, you're just bored of being comfortable with him and this new guy gives you that rush of something else. I'd get rid of this new guy. If you only met him a few months ago, it's not true love. It's totally lust. Instead of looking outward for something different, I'd try communicating more with your man.
I really wish 'love' hadn't become such a fad. People are are more interested about being 'in love' that realizing that being comfortable and stable in love is often better. I would also tell your man about what you've been doing. This'll seriously break his heart, cause almost six years is nothing to sneeze at. But you also can't hide this from him either. Cause think of it this way. If it's happening now, it can always happen again.
i think because you have been with your bf for so long, that this new guy is a bit of excitement for you. but i think you'll regret it if you leave your boyfriend. you've been with him for so long for a reason
Amen to that!
I agree. If you really feel that your current boyfriend would be an excellent father and husband, I'd say stay with your current boyfriend and cut contact with the other guy. I remember how excited I was at the beginning of a new relationship. Maybe that's why you fell in love with this other guy so fast. He's new and exciting and your boyfriend isn't so new. Stay with your boyfriend hon, it'll keep things much less complicated.
One bit of advice I would give is to try to shake things up and to try new and different things with your boyfriend. That may make you feel better about staying with him.
It's the new and exciting thing you're feeling. Those butterflies you get when someone new comes into your life and surprises you with all they are. This doesn't mean you're in love with him. Just because you've grown comfortable with your current man doesn't mean you love him any less. Perhaps you should quit focusing on your alleged "love" for a guy that isn't even around and try to work on spicing up your current relationship. Things get boring, I know, that's why you constantly need to keep each other interested!
On the flip side...you shouldn't be with someone just because you think they'd make a great husband or father. That's not a good enough reason to marry someone. You need to truly LOVE them. You have to be able to not picture your life without that person and want to commit yourself entirely to him. Divorce rate is up to 56% nationwide. Do you want to contribute to that just because you thought he'd make a good father, but you didn't truly love him?
From the sound of it...you're not ready to get married at all. You need to figure yourself out first.
I agree. Especially the last sentence.