Question: Help! He's so hot and cold

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Posted by Anonymous on June 18, 2013 at 6:05 PM

I had sex with a guy on a first date. When I texted him after our date, he was cold, distant, and said he was busy at work. So I decided to leave him alone. Now he texts me weird messages like, “You’re not talking to me anymore?” and “It’s like that now?” I don’t understand his behavior. What gives?


From our relationship expert Jenn X:

If you’ve been following my series of “Mr. Wrongs,” you’ll see right away this guy is a classic example of “Mr. Hot and Cold.”  When you come after him, he blows you off. When you blow him off, he comes after you. And, fundamentally, you question whether he’s into you or not. Confusing, right?

Listen, I’m sure you receive some level of satisfaction when he texts you. There’s not much worse than having a man reject you after you sleep with him and I get that his attention – such as it is – makes you feel better. However, I wouldn’t suggest getting all excited. It sounds to me like he’s playing a game of emotional chess. And you, my dear, are the pawn.

I believe men who behave in this manner are motivated by two primary factors: their egos and their sex drives. As far as their egos go, it makes them feel good when a woman comes after them. They crave the attention and the more spun up over them you become, the more validated they feel. This is why he’s giving you just enough to keep you on the hook. He wants you to reassure him you’re still interested without giving you any reassurance that he’s interested in you. Nice, huh?

These guys also like to have a steady stream of sexual options at their fingertips. Since you showed him you were willing to have sex without requiring any sort of investment on his part, he’s happy to keep you around should he want a repeat performance. But again, he’s only doing the bare minimum to ensure you’ll continue to be available. From what you’ve told me, there’s no indication of dinners and flowers headed your way. It seems like the best you can hope for is a text at 10 pm asking you to come over later that night. Is that enough for you? If you like him, I promise it won’t be. 

Will you ever be able to have a healthy relationship with a man who plays manipulative games like this?  No way in hell. As soon as you give him what he wants – your attention and more sex – he’ll go cold again, only to heat up after he doesn’t hear from you. In the meantime, you’ll find yourself becoming more and more attached. The cycle of frustration, confusion, and excitement will seem like love and passion. And the longer you keep it up, the more impossible it will be to let go.

Here’s what I say. Get out now while you still can. Chalk up the first-date sex to a momentary lapse in judgment or convince yourself you just needed to get your rocks off. Pick yourself up and move on. Show “Mr. Hot and Cold” you only run one temperature when it comes to him – freezing – and refuse to play his game. And then find a man who cares about your feelings in addition to his. 


Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” You can find it on her Facebook page or on Amazon.com or on Twitter @JennX30


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