Question: Recently I have been hit with family...

Recently I have been hit with family passing. First, earlier this year two of my uncles passed on. One hurt to have leave me and the other... As much as I hate to admit this, I was not sad to see leave. Next... a cousin of mine passed and I cried for weeks. Just as I began to get over it my father (Who I am not on good terms with) Contacted me and my siblings to tell us that his mother had been diagnosed with lung cancer and brain cancer. Today I got another call telling me she is not expected to last through the night.

I am at a loss at how to feel. My grandmother was not a particularly good grandma. She did things like chopping all my hair off before the day of a school photo. Her reason for it was because she was angry my mother had taken me to a professional hair dresser instead of her. She would also drop the ash from her cigarette onto my hands or feet (sometimes my hair as well.) Yes, that was done deliberately.Sadly, my father's family is very abusive and their prime target was my mother and I. I have tried for years to forgive them. Most people say that is the only thing to do. However I can't bring my self to do it. I am still angry and upset with how they treated my mother and I. We didn't deserve to be treated like that. After learning that our grandmother was sick, my mother sent us to see her for thanksgiving.

I looked into her eyes and saw the pain she was in. Part of me is happy to see her like that and the other half of me is sick to my stomach for feeling that way. Usually I have empathy and sympathy but when it comes to my father's side of the family I have learned I lack that. I know my sisters and I will be invited to a funeral. Because I am a bit of a writer I am sure his family will ask me to write something for her. I want my writing to convey true emotions if it comes to it and I don't want those emotions to be anger and hate when the woman was sick and suffering and her family is grieving. Even I think that would be a bit much for them. They are human just like us, despite how much I'd prefer to see them as demons.

I'm conflicted. I want my feelings of sadness and I want to grieve as anyone would for their grandparent, but I have yet to be able to unlock that part of my mind. I am at a loss of what to do. Could someone please give me a suggestion or some advice?

• Love & Sex
• Friends & Family
• Love
• Death
• Sadness
• Grandmother
• Passing
• Emotions
• Anger