Question: My parents are getting divorced and I...

Sweetheart i really feel for you as my parents divorced when i was 14. Although i was very very close to my mum i couldnt go & live with her at 1st circumstances were bad. My dad refused to leave the family home because my mum left him he said he should stay in it. This caused alot of arguments & tension between my sister, myself & our dad.we loved our dad but as we got older & began to see how badly he treated mum spoke to her abusively, physicaly abused her etc. By the time mum bucked up the courage to leave we felt we hated him so much & resented him for our mum having to leave. He would still slag her off to us on a daily basis either not realising or to selfish to realise we hated being in the same room as him or talking about even the little things that were happening at school or when out with our friends. Unfortuantly divorce can be the black hole of sinking into depression as i did & at 15 a year after the split. I was sent for counseling & put on a low dose anti-depressant for a few months. My mum by then had got a better paid job & a bigger house so i was luckily able to get out from my dads hatred for me because i would'nt agree in the past or still then what he said when slagging mum down.
Believe me sweetheart at the moment you may be feeling that the nastiness being thrown around & seeing your mum so down & crying so much will never end. I can promise you that once your dads hurting has finaly calmed & he has mourned the marriage break up (I say mourned because my councilor explained dads anger as a form of mourning because as with when someone passes away the hurt & anger towards the other person going away knowing they will never be in your life how you feel you want them to be both feeling of pain are very similar. Eventualy babe the days will get easier for you & one day u'll wake up & realise later in the day that you had'nt thought of the split as soon as you woke up & begin to feel happier days ahead for you & your parents as they both learn to live individual lives but are still able to come together as one when you need them to be or sort out anything to do with your life. Hope you & your parents can find the lite at the end of the tunnel as soon as possible for you mainly but also for them to move forward into their own new lives. Hugs & much love to you. Sorry if not all of this makes sense but my eyes keep welling up & bleary so screen not in vision properly!! Hope it does though :))))))) xxxx

Hun. first off things will get better.second. i would say it sounds like you are very close to your mother and maybe you would feel better if you guys spoke and expressed your guys pain to eachother. that would be painful to talk about but i think the end result would be a good one because it will remind you guys that you have eachother to get you through this difficult time.

and if you have a good friend you trust you should talk to them about it. venting about an issue always makes me feel better. and you shouldnt be ashamed to express your feelings to someone you trust and love. friends are there to help in difficult times.

good luck with everything and i wish you the best
keep your head up

well, maybe youu could go out with your dad, and while he's in a good mood youu could speak to him about hurting your mum. tell him how its affecting youu. he may not care about your mum, but it seems likee he wants to spend time with youu. if he really doesn't give a fuck, even after you've said that, then he's really bad news.

hope it doesn't turn out that way (:

Oh god doesnt this sound familiar? My parents are exactly the same and split up over 2yrs ago. Even thought my father, if u can call him that, left my my mum for another woman, he still likes to call my mum his "wife". My mum eventually had a breakdown and I followed shortly after. When my dad used to ring up my mum to cause an argument, I'd snatch the phone and defend her. BIG mistake. Suddenly it wasnt their divorce, it was partly mine too. What I didn't realise was, it was their marriage and it was up to them to end it. By the time I'd realised that it was too late, I saw too much and I'd heard too much. Now I cannot stand my fathers guts. I hate him with every fibre of my being. Along with all men because I fear there all like him.
Remember this is NOT your fault. You didnt do ANYTHING to cause this. I know its traumatic but I'm now happy they divorced. I know that sounds weird but if your friend was in a unhappy relationship you'd tell her to end it. It's no different with our parents. I'd rather mine were seperate and happy then together and miserable.
Try to leave all the big decisions to them, there supposed to be the adults, even if they don't act like it!
In time it will heal, I promise. Just try to keep contact with both parents. Let them know you support them both but you DO NOT want to hear the details (Knowing when your parents last had sex is horrid, no matter what age!)
Not all men are like that, I promise!
Good Luck, Stay Strong and remember no matter what, they will always love you!

I know the feeling. Both my parents have been having a problem for 3 years now. Unlike you they aren't getting a divorce because of my little sister who is 10 and it's a shame to get a divorce in the asian society i guess you can say.
I'm actually the opposite, I want my parents to get a divorce because I want my pain to stop. I'm also close to my mum and my dad has been around but I have never come to know him properly and in his eyes I was just the perfect daughter which he had no idea of what I liked or was like.
Whats worse was last year my dad had an affair with a woman 20 year younger, and a woman who worked together with both my mum and dad. This tore their relationship apart more than it was and physical abuse came in.
Beside all the pain they may cause you and sibilings you can't change the fact that they are goin to be apart now. You will still be able to see the both of them and live with the one you want depending on what type of divorce.
Time will pass and eventually it will be okay. Its hard to accept but you just need to keep a little confidence in you to make it all the way.
I am still hoping for that little push myself.
good luck to you~

Do fun stuff with your mom. Go out. Have a girls movie night. Just do fun things with her. It will help you both to feel better about the whole situation. Try going to some support groups. Let your dad know that you love him but you love your mom too and don't like seeing her upset and that his being mean to her isn't going to make anyone's situation any better.

Do fun stuff with your mom. Go out. Have a girls movie night. Just do fun things with her. It will help you both to feel better about the whole situation. Try going to some support groups. Let your dad know that you love him but you love your mom too and don't like seeing her upset and that his being mean to her isn't going to make anyone's situation any better.

I won't repeat some of the great advice people above me have given, but just add two things.

It is important that you tell your dad exactly how you feel. Let him know that when you see your mum in pain because of him, it hurts. Let him know why you don't want to do things with him. Let him know that you love him but do not like how he's acting. Maybe it will help him understand and maybe it won't, but at least it will let you feel like you've explained yourself.

Also, there are children of divorced parents groups support groups. Sometimes you need a therapist, but sometimes you just need to meet people who don't think you are crazy. They're full of people who have been through exactly what you are going through now. They usually have great advice for how to handle daily stuff, but also really validate how you are feeling (with laughs and stories, but not pity) when other people may not really get it.

I am in the same situation. Honestly the best thing you can do is stay out of it. Don't get in the middle of their divorce. It has nothing to do with you and it will make your life more stressful. If your father keeps harassing your mother she could always get a new cell phone number if thats an option. They do not have to communicate over the phone and with my parents divorce that was best.
If you dont want to see your father then you dont have to. My father did the same thing. When my parents were married we weren't very close and while they were going through the divorce I was a little hesitant to see him. But now we are really close and I see him at least once a week. You have to understand its YOUR choice who you see and what you do.
You don't have to act happy all the time. Nobody is happy all of the time. what I found that helps is talking to a Therapist. It helps a lot because they have no bias in the situation and I don't know about all Therapists but mine would give me his opinion on the situation I was in. It's not a shameful thing at all to go talk to a Therapist. It is very normal to have the need to talk to someone else.You may even need to try to get your mom to see a Therapist also. It would help her too.

First and foremost- find a therapist. I went through this in highschool and you have to find someone that is there solely to listen to you. It's a great source to let out your anger/depression/etc and to get and outsiders oppinion on how to deal with the situation., without having to worry about upsetting the other person .

Second- do NOT for a second think your dad is ever going to believe you don't love him. I think in this situation it could be best if you wrote him a letter. It's a perfect way to tell him EXACTLY how you feel- such as "when you send mom mean text messages it not only hurts her but hurts me", This is also an excellent way because once you have finished you can read over it to make sure you aren't too harsh/you are harsh enough, or that you didn't leave any important details out about how you feel. You can still stress that you LOVE him but have do not necesarily LIKE the person he has become...

Third- Remeber that as much as you love your mom (and this was the hardest for me to accept because my mom is TRULY my best friend) sometimes, you have got to think of yourself first and if she is venting/crying/bringing you down, you have got to walk away. Remeber that it is not just her going through this. You are too. And this does not mean you cannot be there for her.But just like I told you to find a therapist that will be there strictly to help YOU, your mom needs to find someone outside of the situation to help her through the difficult times. Constantly leaning on you is just going to cause more hard feelings toward your father and more confusion to the situation for you. As I said, this does not mean you cannot be there for her, but in this situation, you cannot be the ONLY source for her to vent to...

Lastly- Do not feel like you have to keep a smile on your face constantly. There are going to be days that you absolutely hate the world. When people ask how your doing just politely respond "I'm handling it, but I'd prefer not to talk about it because I'd rather try and get my mind off the situation for the day". And let it drop. Soon enough people will get the hint and stop bugging you about your feelings every time you see them...On the other hand- do find something that you love to do, whether it's reading an old book that always made you smile, or scrapbooking, getting your nails done, taking a walk- ANYTHING, that you can turn to on those exceptionally hard days. You will need stuff like that to get you through and remind you that there are better days to come.

I hope this helps you a little bit. It's a hard situation to go through no matter what age you are! I will keep you in my thoughts, and I promise it will turn around some day. As hard as it is just give it time, and it will all come together as it should. It will never be like it was before but you will find a new rythym on how to deal with the seperation. Keep your spirits up as much as possible. Start a journal every night to let out your feelings or even so you can go back and read about the good days :o) Try to smile when you can, even though it may be the hardest thing for you to do right now. If you do need someone to talk to thats been through it I"m here for you...If not, I'll continue to keep you in my prayers- and I promise, someday, you will be happy again, and you will get through the day without having this first and foremost in your mind...