GirlsGuideTo | Question: I've been with my fiance/boyfriend for almost...

I've been with my fiance/boyfriend for almost 4 years now. We've been through a lot of obstacles with him being in the military. Before he left there was a girl who informed me he was on a dating website and was talking to her trying to hang out with her, when confronting him he said it was probably someone messing with him...which I believed because then I started getting old women messaging me and the dating account was closed a day that we were together the whole time. After that he went to Iraq and he got depressed and it was hard to get him to communicate with me...he came home we got a house (which he makes me help pay for but refuses to put my name on anything) and he started going out and partying with his friends which was fine until he started refusing to tell me where he was going, not coming home, turning his phone off, driving home drunk at 5am, and losing money. One day I told him I was going out with my friend (which I hadn't done since he returned because he was the only one "allowed" out anywhere) he didn't like that too much so he decided to kick me out through a text message while I was driving on the NJ turnpike. So my parents rushed to help me move and that night he asked a girl for drinks...then a week went by and he was crying and begging me back so I moved back a few weeks after because I love him. 2 months later I see he was texting another girl about wanting to meet her and wanting to be more then friends and that he was on plentyoffish.com. I open his laptop and there's at least 20 girl's profile that he had looked at. He wasn't signed in so I don't know for sure who he talked to but he admitted to making it before he kicked me out and that he never met up with them. I didn't know whether to believe him or not but I promised to give him one last chance. He does not sleep with me because I'm not ready for that yet and every time I ask him to stop yelling at me he blames everything on me like I'm the one who did all this to him. He promised to try his hardest to make me feel loved and all he's done was take me to get my nails done...that has nothing to do with love...I just don't know what to do in this situation....Help!

Comments

Posted by Anonymous on August 4, 2011 at 5:24 PM

Totally agree!!! I had my share of dating military guys with PTSD. It never works!

Posted by Jenigo Magdich on August 4, 2011 at 5:23 PM

Never ever give up your career and what you want/love to do for your guy. The reason is that if he loves you, he will want you to have what you want. The relationships when you give up more than you get never work out in the end. Take care of yourself. Don't feel bad for him. You made the right decision by moving back in with the parents. Hope all works out for you!

Posted by Anonymous on August 4, 2011 at 5:19 PM

It seems to me like your relationship died a long time ago. He keeps your around only for when he is depressed. He needed someone to be "his girl" while he was in Iraq to make the situation more dramatic, but in reality, he is not ready for a relationship. He just did it, cuz that's what all military guys do - they get a girl, they get engaged, then disappear to the war... Then once they come back, that's where it ends...
A lot of military guys have depression from what they have experienced, so honestly, in general i would recommend to stay away from a relationship like that. It's never going to work.
When you left, he begged you back, cuz it's the thrill of the chase. Don't buy into it. Before you know it, he will be after another girl. He did it once, he will do it again. I wouldn't trust him for a second. Just leave for your own sanity. You deserve better.
Obviously he doesn't want you in his future since he doesn't want your name on anything. You don't need him.
I know it's easier said than done, but you need to love yourself more than the relationship. This is an abusive relationship (not physical, but emotional). First and foremost you need to take care of yourself. You don't need a life like that. You will cry for a couple of months. Then will be depressed for a few months, then it will all go away like it never happened and before you know it, you will be seeing other people and will look back and think that this was a nightmare you didn't need and you made the right choice by leaving him.

Good luck to you!

Posted by Vanessa Lentini on January 26, 2011 at 5:24 PM

I'm glad you decided to move on. You deserve someone better; not someone who will punish you for going out by kicking you out of the house you're helping pay for. That's my red flag, more so than the other girls and websites. It's hard leaving a relationship, but I'm so glad you're taking the step to leave!

Posted by Anonymous on January 19, 2011 at 12:16 AM

I've seen that apparently even though he's dead set on the fact that he only texted one girl one time, I've seen its been more than one girl on the site...well I quit the job that I took to be close to him, got one by my parents and now I'm just waiting for the right time to move.

Posted by Anonymous on January 15, 2011 at 11:25 PM

I understand that it should be over with...I just feel like it alot to give up since I stopped going to school changed jobs and moved for him. Just seems more difficult than it is I guess.

Posted by Becky Scott on January 13, 2011 at 11:56 PM

Also, it sounds like he has PTSD & needs help. Sad as it may be, that's not your problem (unless you stay with him, which is a horrible idea).

Posted by Becky Scott on January 13, 2011 at 11:45 PM

I can't believe you even have a question in your mind about what to do. I'd be soooooooo beyond done!!! Obviously you should dump him & move on. When you're ready to date again, don't date anyone even remotely like him. Unfortunately, it sounds like you're stuck in this unhealthy mess & don't have the courage to get out. Good luck, I really hope you find the courage to move on & get him out of your life for good.

Posted by Elizabeth Bianchini on January 13, 2011 at 11:23 PM

One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard about guys is that they will say anything to get what they want. If you don't trust him now you probably never will. He obviously has issues with being faithful. If you're really desperate to make it work you have to sit down with him and talk all of these issues out face to face. You need to figure out where he's coming from, why he's on a dating website, why he did anything that he did. And then if you're satisfied with his answer you have to tell him where you're coming from. You have to tell him EXACTLY what it is you want or need him to do. If you want him to give you a hug and a kiss before he leaves the house, tell him that. If you want him to bring you chocolate, flowers or some other treat you love once in a while, tell him that. Guys are not good at picking up on subtle clues and hints. It can be scary or embarrassing to ask but you have to be straightforward in explaining to him what would make you feel loved. Guys are not mindreaders, they'll try but even the sweetest most caring guy can't read minds, especially a girls.

Posted by Anonymous on January 13, 2011 at 11:20 PM

My bf and I have been together for 4 years as well...I saw he had an account at pof and he said he made it when we werent together...i dont know what im gonna do with my bf either! :( im sorry we have these type of guys in our lives...I hope things will look up for us!