Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating...
Posted by Anonymous on June 19, 2012 at 4:29 PM
I never thought I’d be one of those women who got upset about her boyfriend watching porn, but it really hurt me. I felt like what I was doing for him sexually wasn’t enough. I also have some body issues and didn’t like seeing those women with “perfect” bodies.
He used to be a sex addict and says he only watches The Playboy Channel every once in a while. But he masturbates to it whenever I’m not around; sometimes an hour after we have sex. Is this normal?
From the Expert: Jenn Clark
I don’t want to start off all judgmental and old-fashioned sounding, but I don’t think you are necessarily overreacting. Here’s the deal: The vast majority of guys watch porn every now and again. They’re visual creatures and it’s just a part of their genetic makeup. Unless a man objects to it based on moral or religious grounds, you can pretty much bet he will indulge in some internet eye candy from time to time. As women, we shouldn’t base our self-worth or self-esteem on this. It’s not about porn stars having “perfect” bodies or being more attractive. In the vast majority of cases, it isn’t a reflection on us or that our men don’t think we are sexy.
Just to make sure I was thinking along the right lines, I decided to ask a few guys I know their thoughts on porn.
“I need a visual aid to be able to masturbate,” one said. “It’s not that I think those girls are ‘hotter’ than my girlfriend.”
“If it’s been a while since I’ve seen my girlfriend or had sex, I might use some porn in order to get off,” another told me.
So do I think it’s a big deal if a guy occasionally watches a bit of porn in order to achieve an orgasm? No. I really don’t. Nor do I think it’s horrible for couples to watch it together if they feel like it.
Here’s what concerned me – and the men I interviewed – about your question. First, you say he “used” to be a sex addict. Personally, I’d be very concerned about that tidbit of information. How did his addiction manifest itself? Was he chronically unfaithful? Is he used to having a lot of anonymous or casual sex? If so, the root of his problem might be much deeper and have more to do with intimacy issues than with The Playboy Channel. Perhaps he uses porn as a way to connect with women in a fleeting and purely sexual manner. Subscribing to adult channels is usually not for the occasional porn watcher. Most men who pay the bucks for that type of programming are often quite serious about their porn. If he’s had issues with sex addiction, I’m not sure this behavior demonstrates that he’s fully in recovery. Have you discussed this with him? It is well within your rights to know how he’s working to overcome his addiction and any treatment and/or therapy he might have received.
Secondly, every guy I asked said that masturbating to porn an hour after you two finish having sex is not normal.
“It’s sounds like he’s never satisfied,” one told me.
Are you sure about this? If he’s really flipping on the TV not long after you’ve been with him, this is an absolute sign he’s still got quite a problem. It’s much more than a high libido or active sex drive. If he’s still good to go, why not turn you on instead of turning on the television?
Lastly (and most importantly), I’d like to address your statement that you have only been with your boyfriend for five months and yet you say you want to marry him. Sweetheart, five months is not enough time to determine if this guy is “the one” for you! You are still in the early stages of getting to know each other. It sounds to me like you’ve got quite a bit to learn about this man’s past – and perhaps present – before you decide to spend your life with him. I would tread very, very carefully if I were you.
Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” You can find it on her Facebook page: www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle
Or on amazon.com at the following link: http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step--Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/r