Question: I'm uncomfortable with my boyfriend's fetishes and...
Posted by Anonymous on August 7, 2012 at 7:32 PM
He has recently started talking more and more about liking my feet. I don't mind that he ﬁnds them attractive, but he wants pictures of my feet, wants to paint my nails, and likes to rub his penis against them for a sexual thrill. I'm not used to people touching my feet. I do not know if I'm comfortable with him wanting to pay so much attention to them.
He also asked me yesterday for pictures of my legs, face, and of myself in a corset. I am incredibly uncomfortable with my own body. I don't even like to have sex with the lights on or with my eyes open. I'm terriﬁed of someone having pictures of me in any context other than the kind that people take for fun or memories.
Ladies, I'm conﬂicted. I'm not comfortable with a lot of this, but I also don't want to deny him his fetishes because I know it's a big part of his sexuality, and he already thinks he's a freak for thinking the way he does and I don't want to reinforce that. Help?
From the Expert, Jenn Clark:
First off, I think it’s ﬁne that you are sensitive to your boyfriend’s sexual tastes. In every relationship, there needs to be some amount of compromise and give-and-take. However, compromise becomes unhealthy when what you are compromising is yourself. And it seems to me that you are in danger of doing just that.
Also key to a long-lasting relationship is compatibility. A couple needs to be compatible both outside and inside of the bedroom for things to work well. The fact that you are uncomfortable with some of his fetishes should make you consider this fact. If you were both on board for the things he likes to do, I’d say, “Have at it!” It’s your business and yours alone. However, I think it’s time for you to seriously ask yourself if you will really be okay with these types of activities for the long haul.
One thing that strikes me about your question is the fetish you are most comfortable with is, in my opinion, the most damaging to your sexual well-being and the biggest indicator of potential underlying problems on his part. A man who has a healthy outlook on sexuality wants to be with an active and engaged partner, not with a woman who is asleep or semi-unconscious. I’m not saying it’s the equivalent of rape, but the fantasy of having sex with a woman without her full consent is a major red ﬂag. Sure, you are consenting by acquiescing, but in his mind he’s fantasizing that he has full control over you. Sorry girlfriend, but that sounds a little scary to me.
You say you aren’t that comfortable either with your sexuality or with your body. I guarantee that being in a relationship like this will not help you to deal with those issues. In fact, feeling pressure (even if it’s unintentional and minimal on his part) to do things you are uncomfortable doing won’t help you to enjoy your sexuality or to be more sexually expressive. Instead, it will have the opposite effect.
The truth is that his fetishes are indeed needs that he must fulﬁll. They aren’t going to change and, for whatever reason, they are what he requires to feel sexually satisﬁed. However, it’s not your job to compromise yourself and your own desires if you aren’t comfortable with them. Too often, women put the needs of their men before their own. They worry more about keeping a man happy than they do making themselves happy. Guess what? It’s a huge mistake. So instead of worrying so much about pleasing him, I’d encourage you to ﬁgure out what it is that will make you feel sexually healthy and fulﬁlled. If it’s not the same things as your boyfriend, that’s okay and it doesn’t make him a “freak.” It might simply be that you two are not sexually compatible. As you go about ﬁguring all of this out, be sure to keep the following in mind: Making your partner feel good is a great thing, but it should never be done at your own expense.
Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” You can find it on her Facebook page:www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle
Or on amazon.com at the following link: http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step--Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/r