Your question

Tue, 22 May 2012 17:16:47 -0400

I’ve been dating a great guy for almost a year. The only issue we have is that I get jealous and insecure when we are out for no reason. He has never given me any reason to doubt him; it’s just me. I’ve done it too many times and this is my last chance. Any suggestions on how to control these issues would be great.

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From the Expert: Jenn Clark

I hear you, girlfriend, and I think most of us have been there. In fact, who among us hasn’t had to deal with issues of insecurity and jealousy? But even though it’s common with women, it will absolutely drive a man away. A good guy doesn’t want to get in trouble with his girlfriend – especially when he’s done nothing wrong. A good guy wants to keep her happy. And when he feels he’s unable to accomplish this, he’s likely to move on.

Assuming it is the truth that he has done nothing to cause your mistrust, you are right in saying that the issue is yours and not his. The first thing you need to do to overcome these feelings is acknowledge them – which you have done. So give yourself a big pat on the back for recognizing the problem and being mature enough to admit fault. That’s a lot more than many people do.

Now that you’ve been honest with yourself, it’s time to be honest with him if you haven’t already done so. Apologize for your behavior and tell him that you don’t want to hurt him and are committed to not letting your insecurities affect your relationship any longer. If he’s the guy you say he is, he will appreciate the apology. Further, it’s absolutely okay to be vulnerable and open in a serious relationship. In fact, it’s necessary. Letting him know that you are not cool with this part of you and that it’s something you are going to work on has the potential to actually bring the two of you closer together.

Next – and I don’t mean to be a kill joy here – I want to address the fact that these issues surface when you two are “out.” I’m guessing this means they come up when you are in a social environment (perhaps at a bar or a club?) and there’s the potential for drinking. Don’t get me wrong – I love a cocktail or two – but I do know that drinking alcohol can make us more sensitive. It can also cause impairment in our judgment, decrease our ability to think “rationally,” and increase the likelihood of getting into arguments. If your issues of insecurity and jealousy surface when you’re out at bars or clubs or other places where people are drinking and being flirtatious, this might be part of the problem. If this is resonating with you, I’d suggest limiting your intake of alcohol to just one or two drinks. That should help your feelings from escalating into something bigger than they are.

Here’s the most important thing, however: Once these ugly feelings rear their heads, you need to learn how to control them. The feeling itself is rarely the problem; it’s usually our reaction to the feeling that gets us into trouble. The next time you are out with your boyfriend and you feel yourself getting jealous or insecure, I want you to start by calling it out. Say to yourself, “I’m feeling insecure” or “I’m feeling jealous right now.” Put a name to your feelings. Then you need to nicely and politely remove yourself from the situation for a moment – say you need some fresh air or to go to the bathroom. Do whatever you can to put a break in the action and get away by yourself. (No need to bring a well-meaning girlfriend who may unintentionally fan the fire!) Once you are alone, take a few deep breaths and just r-e-l-a-x. Remind yourself that your old enemies “Insecurity” and “Jealousy” are trying to take up residence in your head. Banish them away by reminding yourself how lucky you are to have a great guy and that these feelings are not your reality. Take the time you need to get your rational thinking cap back on. After you feel better, get back out there and give your fabulous boyfriend a big kiss and a hug. Tell him how sexy he looks. Making others feel good usually goes a long way in making us feel better.

Your gut and your instincts are powerful things. They are good. If a woman’s gut feels insecurity because there’s something she should be insecure about, that’s self-protection. That’s a positive thing. But if we allow insecurity and jealousy to sabotage healthy relationships, that’s a bad thing and those feelings are not our friends. So my advice to you is to be your own friend and protect yourself and your relationship from those negative influencers. You are absolutely strong enough to overcome them.

XX
Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle
Or on amazon.com at the following link: http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step--Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/r...

The 5 Stupidest Things to Fight Over

Mon, 21 May 2012 22:34:07 -0400

I’ve been married for about two years now, and while I am certainly no expert, we’re generally happy and doing well, so we must be doing something right. But listen: No matter how good your relationship is, it's tempting to engage your partner in a shouting match any time you or your personal space feel threatened. I mean, the least he can do is wipe the toothpaste off the sink, right? But is sweating the small stuff smart?

I tend to think that for most things, you just shouldn’t even bother. Now, I’m not advocating being a doormat here. If you don’t want to do the dishes every night, you shouldn’t have to. But here are five silly things that couples (yes, ok, even me) have been known to fight over but really aren't worth it in the long run. Take note of how to deal with these tips from expert Jamie Beckman so you can recognize when you need to take a deep breath... instead of blowing a gasket.

Socks
Wow, is he really leaving his boxers/PJs/jeans on the floor again? Don't fume. Kick his dirty socks under the bed (hey, you're not his maid), and try to forget about it — he likely didn't mean any disrespect. In a relationship, one person is always going to be the Oscar to the other person's Felix (aka, the neatfreak to the slob), so you might as well laugh about it.

Here's how to deal: Get one of those cool hampers with partitions that divide clothes by colors (relatively foolproof), and show him how it works. Then cross your fingers.

Maps
Trying to navigate a route together can seem harrowing at the time (even with Siri’s help), but resist the urge to lash out. Beacuse really, you'll eventually get there, wherever "there" is. And you probably won’t even be that late!

Here's how to deal: Roll down the windows for some air and try being silent. Not crying, not hyperventilating... just breathing. Your calm countenance will inevitably calm him down too.

Exes
Unless his or your old flames are actively trying to contact you or woo one of you back, obsessing over beaus/girlfriends past isn't worth your breath. Avoid bringing them up, and you'll avoid pointless fights. After all, there's nothing he can do about his past — and neither can you.

Here's how to deal: Repeat this to yourself: He chose you. And thank the good lord you aren't still with one of your exes — bullet dodged, yes?

Paint colors
Oh lord, when my husband and I painted our bedroom gray, you’d think we were redocrating the Taj Mahal . He liked this one and I liked that one and ugh, they’re all wrong! At the time, things like couch cushions and shades of gray seem important, but it’s just stuff. If your guy is hell-bent on recovering the pool table in bright-red felt or keeping his beloved moose head in your den, let him. At the end of the day, you can decorate around the offending item — an "urban woodsman" theme might actually be cool. Or you can ignore it, but picking your battles means you'll both end up happy in one way or another.

Here's how to deal: For every object he picks, you get to choose something of a similar size. An armchair for a writing desk or a wall of paint for a rug. You'll be making the decisions together, but you'll each get to put your own touches on the place.

Your television set
Fighting with your guy over the remote control is an old cliché, sure, but there are only so many Stanley Cup games you can take. Not that I’m speaking from experience here…Anyway, take a time out and focus on how it feels to spend time together rather than focusing on the screen. That'll bring you back to what's truly important.

Here's how to deal: Invest in a DVR, and grin and bear it. If you're not a hockey fan, for instance, ask questions about why he loves it and pick out exciting players to watch. Or just suck it up for twenty minutes and plan an impromptu make-out sesh during the two intermissions. Then introduce him to critically acclaimed TV shows that have a little something for everyone, like Mad Men, Breaking Bad, The Wire or Game of Thrones— all great for hunkering down and having a snuggle-tastic Netflix marathon.

So spill! What things do you not even bother to fight about anymore?

Your question

Mon, 21 May 2012 20:50:03 -0400

Okay, i'm in a bit of a sticky situation. I've been close to friends with a guy for around 4 months now. It started out as pure friendship, however our feeling grew and we gradually became closer. We see each other around 4 times a week, and I normally go round his house (i'm really close to his family) and we watch films. We sleep together, and we originally agreed that we would keep it casual, and remain friends. At weekends, if we have a few drinks, he ends up admitting that he'd like more to come out of what we've got, as in a relationship. The next day, he always changes his mind and says that he is not yet ready for a relationship. I have admitted to him that I do have feelings for him, and I would like more to come out of it. I know I shouldn't be annoyed, as I new from the beginning that he didn't want a relationship, however he is messing with my head by giving me mixed messages. I know that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone else either, however if he did start dating another girl it would break my heart. I have thought long and hard about it, and the only thing that I can think of doing to protect my feelings, is to stop seeing him all together to make sure I don't get hurt. The only problem with that though, is I also count him as my best friend so that would break my heart. Basically, my question that I would like answered, is what should I do? Should I wait around and carry on as we are? Should we remain friends with nothing sexual involved, or should I cut him out of my life all together? Please remember he really is a decent guy, and he has been honest about the situation with me since the beginning. Help!!! :o) x

The Danger of Toxic Friends

Mon, 21 May 2012 18:50:04 -0400

According to a UCLA study, your frenemies are bad for your health. Researchers asked 122 healthy adults to keep a diary of social interactions for 8 days. Their findings? Those with negative social experiences had a higher level of inflammatory proteins that can lead to heart disease, depression, and cancer when compared to than those who noted fewer negative experiences.

The solution is easy: Cut out toxic people in your life. Here are the “friends” you gotta get rid of.

The Fighter
This girl picks to fight every battle—and scarily you’ve gotten used to it. Constantly bickering with people can lead to an increase in cortisol, which suppresses the inflammatory processes and inhibits the creation of proinflammatory proteins, the study found.

The Competitor
There’s nothing wrong with a little healthy competition—it keeps you in check. But the friend you run with on the weekends who’s constantly one-upping you, and your work buddy who’s always sucking up to your clients? Make some distance. Both leisure and work competition elicit high levels of inflammatory proteins.

The Guy Playing Hard to Get
That guy who only sometimes answers your texts has to go, too. The study found that vying for a romantic partner’s attention had similar negative consequences.

The Yes-Woman Who Never Does Anything
Surprisingly, stress can come from pretty small things that add up over time—like your friend who swears she’ll give you that 10 bucks/buy the cocktails next time/pick you up, but you know she’s not going to. If you feel like you’re overcompensating in a friendship, you probably are.

So how do you break up with a friend? If you’ve hit your limit and could care less about salvaging the friendship, let it fade. Scale back texts and emails. Take her out of your call rotation. She’ll get the point.

Think there might be hope? Keep the conversation short. If you deliver an knock-out punch at the start of the conversation and not the end, you’ll be about 35 percent more persuasive.

Have you ever had to break up with a bad friend? How'd it work out for you?

10 Ways to Go On Vacation Without Killing Him

Mon, 21 May 2012 17:11:46 -0400

This weekend is a glorious long weekend for those of us in the States (sorry to our international readers!) and it’s perfect for getting out of town with your guy for the first time. But going on vacation together means being together – 24/7. That’s a lot of time for things to go really well. Or really poorly. The first vacation I took with my guy was a disaster. We had really different ideas of what we wanted to do each day and there was constant friction between us. Let’s just say that we returned from the “relaxing” trip a little less than refreshed. Be sure to follow these tips instead to keep your trip fun instead of stressful.

1. Before you go: Talk, ask questions, figure stuff out
Do you get carsick? Is there something you absolutely must do? Is there something you absolutely won’t do? Are you going to have (or seek out) internet access? Are you going to want dedicate time to working out on vacation? Do you like to get to the pool early? Does he like to sleep in? Make sure you’re on the same page.

2. Be reasonable about what you’ll get done
This is my biggest problem. If you’re like me, you want to see and do it all! But if you plan 20 things every day, you’ll constantly be thinking of where to be next, you won’t spend as much time doing anything as much as you should, and you’ll probably fight about this. Let’s lower the bar. If you only have a few goals every day, anything else will be icing on the cake, and you can enjoy the whole thing as you go with the flow.

3. Bananagrams (Or any game.)
Bring Bananagrams. Just do it. It will make time fly, you can bring it anywhere, and you won’t get bored of it. The only caveat is that you might miss a flight or train if you’re too engrossed in the game. Kind of pay attention a little.

4. Snacks
They’re not for you, they’re for your boyfriend, who acts like a cranky toddler when he hasn’t eaten in 3 hours. A freak-out meltdown over getting lost can be assuaged with a handful of Beef Jerky or jelly beans (or a Snickers bar). Whether you have snacks or not might determine whether or not you are going to murder each other in a time of duress.

5. Always have your own cash money
You don’t know when the hell the next ATM is going to appear. And if you’re in a foreign country, you really don’t want to get stuck. There’s nothing worse than having to ask your boyfriend for €5 so you can buy a pretzel—especially if you two are already sort of on the edge.

6. Do something separate
This is a requirement. It’s the absolute best idea ever to spend time apart. You’ll be able to breathe, and you’ll have something to talk about when you find each other again.

7. Remember that this is not YOUR vacation
If you want it to be all about you, then go by yourself. But you’re with someone, and that is the whole point. You will probably do something you do not want to do. Your boyfriend will probably do something he does not want to do. Isn’t this fun?! (No seriously, it is.)

8. Don’t give a sh*t about getting lost
I think only bad people become irate about maps and directions—that is a huge red flag. You’re on vacation, not at work. This is the one time in your life that getting lost is okay. And remember: getting lost is awesome. I’m obviously not talking about if your vacation is trekking Everest or if you’re late for a flight or something. But don’t fret if you’re lost on city streets or driving around.

9. Take a moment
Look at you! You’re in a new, exciting place with someone you love! Nothing should bring this down, nothing. Think about your friends stuck at their work desks, your mom stuck in Ohio, everyone else who isn’t you right now. You are on vacation, goddamit. You will regret it if you waste any of this awesomeness being stressed or unhappy. You’ll later wonder, “why was I so stressed?” That is a promise.

10. Chill!
If you’re a control freak or a planner (like me), you are going to have to learn to just shut up and smile. It might be hard for some people at first, but you will have more fun in the end going with the flow than fighting for your way, then getting it. Plus, you won’t learn anything or get as many awesome new experiences if you are controlling the whole trip. That’s the #1 bonus about traveling with someone else—they help guide the trip to a place you didn’t know it could go.

Do you have any vacation horror stories? Or any tricks to help the rest of us stay sane? Share!

{Source: Glamour}

6 “Crazy” Things That Women Do That Are Actually Pretty Reasonable

Sun, 20 May 2012 13:54:56 -0400

Before I get into this, I just want to say, I hate the word “crazy.” I get so annoyed every time I hear it, especially if it’s some guy saying she was crazy or a girls is saying another girl is crazy. Enough! Unless you need to go to the loony bin, you’re probably not crazy. And finally someone agrees! Scott Alden, a blogger for HowAboutWe, wrote a fantastic article about 6 things that women do that guys say are “crazy” but are actually kinda ok. They may not be rational, but they’re not psycho.

As he says, “When we call a woman “psycho,” we dismiss her completely and suggest that she has no grounds for her emotions and behavior. Let’s be honest — 7 times out of 10, the guy did something. Whether or not we view a woman’s reaction as appropriate to the offense, a woman freaking out “for no reason” is a lot less frequent than we pretend it is.”

Here are the six behaviors often labeled “psycho” that he thinks are just as often justified (in his words).

1. Google/Facebook stalking
We really can’t underestimate how regularly men simply mistreat women in dating situations. Or how arrogant, whiny or boring some guys can be. Most women who have been dating for any length of time have at least one horror story. Many have a dating horror story compendium. Ask around.

Guys, you probably have friends who are players and manipulators — can you really fault a woman for trying to find out everything she possibly can about a guy before she goes out with him? Tweets, Facebook pics, articles — this stuff isn’t secret. It’s information that’s readily available.

2. Having cats
Have you heard this? That having cats, even one cat, is now supposedly indicative of a woman’s craziness? As if a kitten is some kind of gateway drug that leads to a heavy hoarding and daytime TV habit. This is ridiculous, wrong-headed, Seinfeldian thinking. Plain and simple.

3. Wanting sex
"She can’t get enough. She’s like, a crazy nympho, or something.” Guys. We seriously need to stop putting women down for wanting to have sex with us. Besides being an unfair double-standard, it’s just counter-intuitive. Because we want women to want to have sex with us. And many of them do. Please, don’t screw this up for the rest of us by acting like a woman’s insane for indulging her innate desires, okay?

(This one makes me laugh. How could they think that’s crazy?!?)

4. Jealousy
I’ll grant you — jealousy that is completely unfounded and provokes a wildly disproportionate reaction is a little scary. But cursing you out in front of the whole bowling alley because you were flirting with the shoe rental girl (who you were totally flirting with) and accusing you wanting to break up (when you have been wanting to break up and have been too chickenshit to say so)? Or stealing your phone and looking at your text history (when you have been texting with your ex again and lying about it)?

Women get the psycho treatment for doing things like this all the time, but you have to ask — are they psycho if they’re right?

5. Wanting babies
It’s like this — men can wait a lot longer to father children than women can to mother them. Women might sometimes worry, as they get older, that if they wait around for a man to be ready to have children, they might miss their window. So, a woman might bring this up earlier than is comfortable for a man, in order to gauge his reaction.

Uncouth? Probably. Unnattractive? Maybe. But psycho? It’s actually pretty practical, if you think about it.

6. Trashing your stuff
The need for trust and acceptance in our lives is universal. And powerful. So powerful sometimes that we promise each other unconditional love in the throes of courtship, before we can possibly comprehend the subtle conflicts that will arise between us. These conflicts breed doubt. But, at this point we’ve already promised trust and acceptance — emotional safety. We don’t want to go back on it so we try, despite our doubts, to make it work.

Let’s say you’re in a situation like this, and the doubt becomes a certainty that she’s not the one. Out of nowhere, you take it all away. Without her consent. And there’s nothing that she can do about it.

So the injured party acts out. She suddenly can’t bare to look at your records that are still in her bedroom and reminding her of how just a week ago the two of you were cuddling in bed, listening to “Astral Weeks” and talking about the future. How could you be talking about the future just a week ago and now ending things so definitively?

So she throws your records out the goddamn window. It’s not very rational, and it sucks for you, but nothing about any of this has really been rational, has it? You made promises you couldn’t keep in the heat of the moment and then retracted them. For no reason that you could explain.

To her, you’re the psycho.

Well, I say thank you Scott Alden. Sure, sometimes we overreact and maybe make some bad decisions, but we’re all sane adults here!

Have you done anything that you think was justified but was called crazy? Add to this list!

Make-Up Sex: Do or Don’t?

Sat, 19 May 2012 17:16:23 -0400

I just read this article by psychologist Seth Meyers in which he discusses why he thinks make-up sex is bad. For you, for your partner, for your relationship. Clearly, this is great for a discussion! His argument: “In general, make-up sex is bad news because it reinforces fighting and emotional drama. Think about it: If you have amazing sex after you have a huge fight, doesn't it make sense to fight again when the reward is so great?”

In a healthy relationship, you and your guy come together after an argument because you feel close. Your discussion was intimate and it makes sense that you want some physical intimacy too. Meyers makes the case though that this isn’t want motivates most couples. In his opinion, most make-up sex ,“results from having felt and expressed extreme negative emotions during a heated argument, without any true resolution afterward. Because these individuals get sick of feeling the negative extreme end of the spectrum, they hunger to switch gears and jump to the opposite end of the spectrum — to feel the high that comes with making up. Honestly, it's not that different from an addict who needs a hit of cocaine.” Jeez.

And there’s always that subconscious fantasy that sex will make everything better.

So how do you know if you’re doing it for the right reasons? Meyers says next time you have a argument, pause. If you still feel angry, confused, or hurt you probably shouldn’t be getting it on.

On the other hand, what if it can be a good thing? For many, getting physical is not an admission that you're wrong and he's right. It's an acknowledgment and a celebration of the love you share even in the not-so-good times. Besides, 10 minutes after the shouting, he's already past the argument. Women hold on to anger longer than men do. We could learn from them how to let it go, but that’s another article for another day.

And what’s more, many experts say that for garden-variety fights -- disputes over household chores, child-care duties, budgeting, in-laws, not big issues -- makeup sex has the power to heal emotional wounds. "These ongoing issues may never be satisfactorily resolved," says Diane Andoscia Urso, a couples therapist in New York, "but good sex can really take the edge off them."

So join in the debate! Do you think make-up sex is hurtful or healing? Is it better to give than withhold?

Sh*t Guys Say to Girls (When They’re Not Really Interested)

Sat, 19 May 2012 14:57:09 -0400

“I like you. I think you’re awesome. Who wouldn’t want to be with you?! But…”

We’ve heard them all before. The phrases from that guy we really, really like. The one that starts out sweet and nice and lovely and magical. And then… bam! kapow!… we’re brought down from cloud nine and hit with a hard dose of reality.

Yet still, sometimes instead of just taking these phrases for what they actually mean, we tend to hold fast to whatever fantasy we’ve conjured up in our minds. After all, he’s sweet and nice and lovely and magical and… we’ve already picked out the china patterns (in our minds, of course).

The truth of the matter is that these phrases all boil down to one thing: he’s not really interested in something at least halfway serious with us. (Or not interested enough.) Bummer, I know. But taking them for what they actually mean can save us from a lot of heartache. I mean, haven’t you suffered through enough of those nights where your girlfriends are soothing you — in your drunkenness — while you “cry it out”?

YES! So, at the first sound of any of these lines from that guy you’ve been hoping to progress your “sort of” relationship into something more, run. Don’t walk. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. Just run.

“I’m just trying to have fun right now.”
Why wait it out and “have fun” with just one person for something that may never happen? Unless, of course, you’re just trying to have fun right now too.

“We’re still getting to know each other.”
If you’re still hearing this after a few dates, then dude’s not ready to lock it down with you. You’re too fabulous for this. So take your fabulous self and “get to know” someone else who wouldn’t give you the run-around.

“Sorry I haven’t returned your texts/phone calls/emails for the past three days. I’ve been hiding under a rock and there’s no cell phone reception or wireless.”
Okay. So he probably won’t include the latter sentence, but the former? Argh! The general rule of thumb for returning your calls should be the length of a workday. Extend it to 24 hours if you believe him to be really busy. After that, he’s just blowing you off. Not. Cool.

And here’s my all-time favorite. Drum roll, please…

“I have too much sh*t going on right now.”
That’s a pretty bullsh*t excuse, no? Alright, fine. Maybe he does have a lot of stuff going on in his life right now. Maybe the timing is a bit off. (I mean, it’s true what they say: the right person at the wrong time = the wrong person.) But guess what? There will always be sh*t going on. It’s called, wait for it… life. You should not have to wait for him to decide you’re important enough to be a part of that “sh*t.” And you have a life too. So keep it moving and start living it.

Don’t drive yourself crazy over these phrases anymore. Wake up. Quit it with the fantasies. See things in real time and for what they really are. It’ll save you lots of headaches, heartaches, and Heinekens (I’m not actually sure if people still drink Heineken; I just like the way the alliteration sounds.)

{Source: HowAboutWe}

So You’re Dating a Narcissist...

Fri, 18 May 2012 20:29:49 -0400

We all know these guys: they have an unlimited amount of entertaining stories about their fabulous, adventurous lives. They often have larger-than-life personalities coupled with baffling displays of deep insecurity. They have extremely high demands of the people close to them, yet they often fail to keep their own promises or live up to adult responsibilities. They don’t think the rules everyone else abides by apply to them, and they feel that their “specialness” can only truly be understood by other exceptional people.

Narcissists have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

Being colleagues or close friends with a narcissist is hard enough. But what about if you’re actually in love with a narcissist? In our “look at me, fan me, follow me” culture, it seems like everyone has a place in the spectrum of self-absorbed behavior that is narcissism. However, there’s an important difference between having narcissistic tendencies and being a toxic narcissist, someone’s whose behavior is so wildly destructive, oblivious of consequences, and inconsiderate of others’ feelings that it’s nearly impossible for them to be in an authentic relationship built on love, trust, and support.

In their book Help! I’m in Love with a Narcissist, authors Steven Carter and Julia Sokol gave ample examples of relationships featuring toxic narcissists and their clueless counterparts. To help those of you who might be reluctant to come to terms with the fact that you are in love with a narcissist, here is a checklist of what dating a narcissist feels like:

You’ll feel like you’re doing most of the “work” in the relationship.
Your partner will do things to sabotage the relationship from moving forward—but doesn’t want to completely let you go either.
Your partner may have a long history of troubled relationships and addictions of all kinds.
Your guy may have recurring episodes of infidelity—which he somehow makes your fault.
You’ll feel emotionally drained by how hard you have to work to make your boyfriend happy.
The relationship will be organized primarily around your partner’s interests and activities.
You’ll feel controlled or manipulated by your partner’s moods and ideas.
You’ll often have to explain, apologize, or cover up for your guy’s bad behavior.
Your partner will make unilateral decisions that impact your safety and well-being.
You sometimes feel unsafe by the actions of your partner.
Your partner will refuse to see your good intentions, always making you the “bad guy.”
You find yourself desperately trying to get back to the “good ole days” of the early parts of the relationship when it seemed like you could do no wrong.

Did you recognize your relationship among any—or even several—of the qualities above? Though authors Carter and Sokol were adamant that “you are not going to be able to fix, change, cure, or heal the narcissists in your life,” they do offer several steps you can take to protect yourself against further exploitation or abuse from the narcissist that you love.

Establish healthy boundaries: Like helpless newborn babies that are intimately connected to their mothers, narcissists often have nearly nonexistent boundaries with their partners, seemingly sucking the life energy out of the people that love them. By putting a limit on how much of your time, energy, patience, and understanding you will give to the narcissist in your life, you are teaching him or her that loving him or her does not equal letting them take over your life.
Establish a firm sense of self-worth and self-knowledge: Narcissists feed off of other people’s attention, admiration, and loyalty. If you have a firm sense of who you are, your values, and what you truly enjoy doing, you will be less likely to get drawn into the narcissist’s all-consuming world.
Get professional help: Though most narcissists will refuse to join you for couples’ counseling, you can and should seek professional help on your own. A professional can help you uncover why you are drawn toward narcissists, and how you can break out of that destructive pattern so that you can find true and lasting love.

Healing from a relationship with a toxic narcissist first takes a willingness to admit that you’re in a relationship with one. Though it’s painful to admit that the person we love might love themselves and their own interests way more than they actually love us, it’s better to be honest with ourselves so we can move on rather than continue to be the supporting actor in someone else’s drama.

Have you ever been in a relationship with a toxic narcissist? What was the tell-tale sign that you needed to escape this unhealthy relationship?

{Source: Ebony}

Your question

Fri, 18 May 2012 18:47:18 -0400

I love sex with my boyfriend, it's amazing, but he leads most of the time and likes it when I'm on top. Are there any ways to make me-on-top more interesting? And I was wondering about ways that I could maybe take the lead sometimes?? Any thoughts? Thanks ;)