The Danger of Toxic Friends

Mon, 21 May 2012 18:50:04 -0400

According to a UCLA study, your frenemies are bad for your health. Researchers asked 122 healthy adults to keep a diary of social interactions for 8 days. Their findings? Those with negative social experiences had a higher level of inflammatory proteins that can lead to heart disease, depression, and cancer when compared to than those who noted fewer negative experiences.

The solution is easy: Cut out toxic people in your life. Here are the “friends” you gotta get rid of.

The Fighter
This girl picks to fight every battle—and scarily you’ve gotten used to it. Constantly bickering with people can lead to an increase in cortisol, which suppresses the inflammatory processes and inhibits the creation of proinflammatory proteins, the study found.

The Competitor
There’s nothing wrong with a little healthy competition—it keeps you in check. But the friend you run with on the weekends who’s constantly one-upping you, and your work buddy who’s always sucking up to your clients? Make some distance. Both leisure and work competition elicit high levels of inflammatory proteins.

The Guy Playing Hard to Get
That guy who only sometimes answers your texts has to go, too. The study found that vying for a romantic partner’s attention had similar negative consequences.

The Yes-Woman Who Never Does Anything
Surprisingly, stress can come from pretty small things that add up over time—like your friend who swears she’ll give you that 10 bucks/buy the cocktails next time/pick you up, but you know she’s not going to. If you feel like you’re overcompensating in a friendship, you probably are.

So how do you break up with a friend? If you’ve hit your limit and could care less about salvaging the friendship, let it fade. Scale back texts and emails. Take her out of your call rotation. She’ll get the point.

Think there might be hope? Keep the conversation short. If you deliver an knock-out punch at the start of the conversation and not the end, you’ll be about 35 percent more persuasive.

Have you ever had to break up with a bad friend? How'd it work out for you?

The Solo Survival Guide to Wedding Season

Fri, 11 May 2012 17:13:50 -0400

It’s May. Just about the time you used to get excited for the summer. But now, those invites are filling your mailbox and instead of filling your days at the pool and eating ice cream, you’re facing a summer full of Crate and Barrel, Bed Bath and Beyond, and ice cream makers you have to buy (for someone else). It’s easy to get overwhelmed, stressed, broke, sad, and yes, resentful. But it doesn’t have to be that way! It’s possible to keep your sanity and have a little fun along the way, even if you don’t have a plus one. Here’s a single-girl survival guide to getting through the next few months keeping your single self happy, looking fabulous, and feeling self-fulfilled in spite of all the brides bustling around you.

Learn the world "no."
There is no rule that says you have to go to every wedding you get an invite to. If you didn’t get a save-the-date or your invite was delivered suspiciously close to the wedding date, sorry to say, but you might be on the “b-list.” It’s honestly ok to say no, especially if it’s an out of town affair or you feel like you were an obligatory invite.

Go halfsies on a gift.
Look, weddings are expensive for everyone involved, even the guests. Shower gifts, bachelorette parties, wedding gifts…they add up. Go in with other singles on a gift so you don’t go broke during the season. It’s the thought that counts here. You could also DIY a gift or offer your services (design invites, bake the cake, etc.) if you can.

Treat yourself.
No, you don’t need to rush out and buy a new dress for every event, though the idea is really, really tempting. Instead, invest in a few classic pieces that you can mix and match with what you already have, creating many new looks. However, you want to feel good so make whatever you buy really special. Buy that dress you’ve been staring at in Anthropologie for weeks. Have you been saving for some Louboutins? There’s no better time than the present. And it’s almost instant gratification when the compliments start rolling in!

Embrace the destination.
Can you really blame your friend for wanting to get married in Hawaii? Yeah, neither can we. Of course, it’s going to cost a little more, but instead of feeling like you’re wasting your vacay days, extend your trip and make it a true getaway, especially if you can get some of your girls to stay with you!

Have a partner in crime.
If you’ll be hitting a wedding solo, recruit a pal as early in the process as possible. (Hint: At the engagement party, she’ll be the girl in the corner looking like she’s having as much fun as you are.) Wedding-buddy duties include: sharing gag-me looks at the shower, having a ball on the dance floor together, and saving each other from some overly drunk, touchy-feely guest. So much better than a lousy plus one. Which brings me to…

Don’t drag along a mediocre date.
Just because you were invited as a “plus one” doesn’t mean you should necessarily bring one. It’s really hard (and really not nice) to ditch a date at a wedding and you might miss out on a seriously awesome guy at the reception.

Work your table.
This is not the time to be shy ladies. The “singles table” can be a good thing – it’s kinda like online dating and well, everyone is in the same position. Try treating it like a work social event since there's bound to be people you're sitting with that you don't know. Ask a lot of questions, and get to know the people you are sitting with. You never know – you could befriend just the right person that has in's at all the places you frequent when you aren't trying to catch the bouquet on a Saturday afternoon.

Beware the open bar.
Having a few drinks is not a bad idea, but you don’t want to be the sloppiest girl at the party. Nothing says wedding wig-out like letting your inner drunk girl out.

Celebrate love. (No, really!)
I know it’s corny, but weddings truly are a special time, and it’s always nice to see two people who have found each other--especially when they’re your friends! Take advantage of this moment to celebrate love between two people, and remember why you believed in love in the first place.

Remember that you’re still tons of fun.
All your married or soon-to-be-married friends would probably love to be in your position of freedom. They’ll at least want to live vicariously through you because sometimes, being single is awesome. So why not give them something to look forward to? Go on a bike ride with that guy you met at Whole Foods last week. Say yes to wine tasting with the guy from spinning. They just might become your Plus 1s!

Ward off post-wedding blues
A weekend spent celebrating someone’s wedded bliss while you go home alone can send you into a downward spiral of self-doubt and recrimination. Pre-empt a sad Sunday of “What’s wrong with me”? and “Maybe I should have given him another chance” by having plans with your most upbeat friend. Have a decadent lunch, go on a hike, do yoga. In other words, revel in your freedom. Not convinced? Get on Netflix and watch any movie about miserable married people, and remember that marriage doesn’t necessarily make you happy.

Debate: Can Men and Women Be Friends?

Wed, 09 May 2012 14:15:29 -0400

It’s an age old debate made viral again by this recent YouTube hit, "Why Men And Women Can't Be Friends". But now, the question is shifting from “can” to “should,” as in should men and women be friends in the first place! The things researchers have time to study…

To find out, researchers examined the male-female friendships of more than 400 heterosexual adults of every age. The results, which you can find here, analyzed two different studies and concluded that men tend to be more attracted to their female friends than the women were towards the men. And men overestimated the strength of attraction that female friends felt toward them. Imagine that ego trip…

What’s scary is that said men's behavior might be "more sexually opportunistic". Though anyone who’s ever felt concern over a boyfriend’s friends or has been cheated on will tell you, it’s not altogether surprising.

But the real takeaway from the study, as noted by Gawker, lies in the risk an opposite-sex friendship might pose to your current relationship. The research showed people who found their platonic friends attractive were less likely to be satisfied in their romantic relationships.

I’ve been reading through the various articles recapping the studies findings and I can’t seem to make an opinion. Maybe my brain is overloaded on this fine Wednesday. I am completely ambivalent. I guess this stems from the fact that I don’t really have any close male friends and never really did in high school or college? And if I did, it was only because I liked them…haha…but my boyfriend has a few female friends…I’m rambling now, but the point is, I’m torn about the issue.

Do any of you out there have close friendships with guys? Is it really purely platonic? Or do any of you have a boyfriend with close female friends? How do you deal? Let’s talk it out!!!

Your question

Fri, 04 May 2012 15:23:51 -0400

Ok so my brother (28) recently got a divorce. His ex-wife just walked out on him and our family with no explaination what so ever. She has been in our family for over 7 years (5 they dated/engaged and 2 were married) and has become a sister to me.

After she left, he started dating this 19 year old. It's tearing my parents to shreds and they know he just needs a rebound, but we fear she may try to plan an unexpected pregnancy. We think she knows she is just the rebound and is looking to make sure he doesnt go any where. If we talk to him about it, he just pushes further from us.

What should we do to make him realize what's happening without him pushing away? HELP!

Facebook Statuses That Make You Go…Seriously?

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 20:56:44 -0400

Everyone sees them... An awful status update from a friend that makes you question why the hell you were ever friends in the first place. It's bad enough seeing every single “We’re engaged” or “It’s a boy” update, but you’re strong, you can pour yourself a glass of wine and handle it. Then you refresh...And you see new updates and friends writing on each other’s walls...You check it hoping that it's going to be something good (or you’re just bored and FB creeping, no judgement)... And then you read it...Your first reaction is SERIOUSLY? Then you can't help but wonder if there's something very wrong with these people because why would they ever think you'd a) care and b) be ok with it. Here at GirlsGuideTo headquarters we’ve definitely had a good laugh about some of the statuses we’ve seen and wondered why our friends would ever put such crazy sh*t out there in the internet-universe.

So, please spill! Do you have that one friend who fills your News Feed with the funniest (and not like “ha ha” funny…) updates? Who won’t you unfriend because their updates make you feel just a little better about yourself? Have you ever been a victim of an Ugh Update? If so, share your best of the worst status updates and we'll all have a good laugh (or two).

Girlfriends: 5 Types of Friends Every Woman Needs

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 20:36:00 -0400

Your girlfriends are like your very own personal army and each soldier has a vital role to play in your life. We’ve pinpointed five girlfriends that every woman needs next to her on the front lines…

1. The Cheerleader
Bless the cheerleader’s heart. She doesn’t have the nerve to tell you when your hairstyle looks silly or your pimple needs popping. But sometimes, you don’t want to hear that mess anyway. Your cheerleader friend always sees your best qualities and she’s quick to compliment you on all of them. She’s the one you call when you need a quick pep talk before you quit your job or tell your boyfriend “I love you” for the first time or when you need to go swimsuit shopping on a “fat day.”

2. The Mentor
She’s usually a little older and wiser. She’s been around the block and she will warn you about all of the potholes and cracks in the sidewalk before you get there. She also knows when you’re going to get yourself into trouble before you do. Expect her to say “I told you so.” But also expect her to dish out a big bowl of something tasty with an extra helping of loving and a comfy couch to watch your favorite rom-com when she does.

3. The Paper Chaser
No, this girlfriend is not a gold digger, but she’s definitely about her paper. She works hard for her money and can teach how to get the most out of your job and career. She’ll tell you never to settle for the first offer a potential employer puts on the table, how to save for a rainy day and where to invest your coins -- once you make some.

4. The Wing Woman
Why is it that when you suck at relationships, all your girlfriends suck at relationships too? It’s the blind leading the blind. You need at least one woman in your life who understands men and is quick to nudge you in the right direction. The wing woman will bring her man to your house when you just need a buffer between you and your man. The wing woman is always down to drag her boyfriend along on a double date just for the off chance that the new guy in your life might be “the one.” She’s also down to dissect his pros and cons with you the next morning over coffee and if that guy doesn’t work out, she’s got a long list of other men on her radar that will.

5. The Party Girl
When all your other girlfriends are laying low because the weather man says you’re going to get six inches of snow, your partying girlfriend is rocking her snow boots at the club. Although she has a little bit of a reckless side, she’s always down to let loose and have a good time. She’s there to remind you that life is not as serious as you make it out to be. She’s also the perfect girlfriend to discuss your most recent make-out session with a perfect stranger. And if you’re already coupled up, she’s the one you’ll turn to when you need a break. Girls’ night!

Long Distance BFFs: Make It Work

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 12:49:10 -0400

It’s a fact of life, as we grow up, we start to spread out. Maybe you moved for a new job or your best girl is getting her masters degree across the country. It totally sucks, but you don’t have to be afraid you’re going to lose touch with your college clique. Staying close with your old buddies shouldn’t be a problem if you’re truly best friends. Being inseparable for four years of school, or maybe longer, will make the long distance thing hard, but it’s all about being open minded.

Use Technology to Stay Updated
Having a private group on Facebook or a group chat through Gchat are simple ways to stay in touch with your friends. My best bud and I even have Skype dates so we can chat “in person.” You can fill each other in on the latest news and talk everyday. If something happens, you can tell them immediately — just like you normally would if you were hanging out. The Internet makes it easy to stay close these days, so there is no excuse for going a few days without talking. Think of it as being in a relationship — your friends are just as important.

Use Distance to Your Advantage
Sometimes when you’re away, getting easily distracted by everything around you is normal. The best part of it is that you’re not the only one who feels this way. Dealing with the stress of everyday is difficult, and you may feel like you have no one to talk to while you’re away, but that’s what your best friends are for. The great thing about going to different colleges or working in different cities is that you can relate to each other and help one another out. Take advantage of the distance and use this time to get closer — best friends will always be there for each other.

Use Vacation to Meet Up
Taking a trip together is a perfect chance to reconnect and rebuild a friendship after time apart. Not only do you get to travel and see someplace new/score some relaxation time, you will share the experience with your friends and create new memories. Spending hours on the beach is the best way to fill each other in on what you’ve missed. Bonus if one of your friends already lives in a travel spot! My BFF lives in Florida so I just hope on a flight and it’s almost instant vacation!

What’s your secret to making long distance relationships with friends work?

Your question

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 10:27:28 -0400

I feel like I need my parents' approval for the important decisions I make in my life. I am 24, just finished graduate school, and am currently looking for a job. I want to go to Ireland for St. Patty's day, however my parents think it is a bad idea because I don't have a job. I have the money and time for it, so I feel like now is the best time. I love to travel and once I enter "the real world" I wont be able to go places anytime I want and have to rely on vacation days. Due to the field I am entering, once I find a job I wont actually be able to start work for about a month after. The only loss I can see in going is that if I haven't found a job by then, I will lose out on some days looking for a job. I think I'd feel worse about not sticking up for myself to my parents than not going, but I dont even know how to do that. I am 24, an adult, and should be able to make decisions and not worry about what other people think, but in this case it is very hard...any suggestions on how to boost my confidence in talking to them and not always feeling like I need their approval?

Your question

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 16:29:40 -0500

A year ago my best friend of ten years decided to cut ties with me, and she hasn't spoken to me since. Now, months later, she keeps sending my boyfriend, who she was never even friends with, pokes and friend requests on Facebook. He hasn't responded to any of these, and I've just been ignoring them.

The question: As this is a recurring thing, am I doing right by ignoring it or should I confront her about it? The fact that they weren't friends and haven't even met, just makes me think she's trying to get a rise out of me...but she's the one that decided we shouldn't be friends anymore, so why is she even trying to get my attention?

Your question

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:41:01 -0500

I've had the same two best friends since I was 11. We are now in our third year of college (we all go to the same school) and I couldn't feel further apart from them. When we were younger, it was rare that a weekend passed that we didn't spend together. Now they both have boyfriends. And as soon as they started dating our time together slowly decreased. Now, the only time I see them is when they throw crazy parties, which I hate going to. I don't know if I should talk to them or just give up on ever hearing from them again. I wouldn't even know how to bring it up. Please help.